Oh, I was at a wedding!

My friend and also my African Sunrise - partner CJ got married a month ago, and I think it was the most perfect wedding I have been at. I have not been to many, but still, it was SO great, in so many ways. And Cj:s dress, geeez, beautiful.

And hey, I got to be a girly girl for a day. It was great. Maybe again in a year or a few. Who knows :)

New Routines

Erika is staying with me these last 2 months I am around. It's great, we get so much more time to spend together now, before I am leaving for 3 months.

Having him around has helped me starting some better routines. I go sleep earlier, I wake up earlier and we have started to work out a bit in the mornings. It's just 30-45 minutes but it is something! I have not exercised at all for probably 2 years. This is really something I need. And I really hope I will continue in Sweden, even if I have to find a way to motivate myself, which is my biggest issue. I always find excuses. I will really try this time!

About routines. The 2 cats that stay with me in this house; Stella and Monkey. I will miss them. Stella waits outside my room every morning, then run after me to the bathroom and then again back into my rum and jumps up at my bed and wants a cuddle. Too cute!

28 days

Again, time. you FLY! 28 days left, really?!

It's getting colder here, but winter has been taking its time to get here indeed, and I am not sad about it. Winter... well... it's like autumn in Sweden. But the thing I never get used to is the cold inside of houses. At the moment it is about 20 degrees outside during the days, but I am sure it is like 15 degrees inside, COLD for me. I am used to 20 minus but then to get inside where it is at least 25 degrees all year around.

Anyway, talking about the weather, really?

What can I say, life is a roller coaster indeed. Feels like so much happened the last 6 months that I am not sure what to focus on if someone asked me what I have been up to.

Work is fun. Lot's of things to do, but in a good way. I am so impressed about what we created in just a year. It is actually really cool! I have become some kind of logistics pro, without even realising it. And I actually really like it. Who is coming when, where will she stay, where can she work, does she needs something special, will she come on Garden Route, should I put her on the list, what do I do if she cancel last minute, How many people are coming next year and where can I put them, how do we get them to their project and who will take them when? Etc etc!
Check out our website www.africansunrisevolunteers.co.za  , it will be updated soon to even better!

Anyway, just a simple update about my not too exciting life :)

See you soon Sweden.

Less than 4 months

It's March, this is normally when I start to think about Sweden again. Booked my ticket back, contacted my jobs to see what and where I will work during the 3 months back that side ( I was gonna write back home, but this is home.. but that is also home.. haha. whatever, you know what I mean)
I am looking forward to the time in Sweden, but I do not wanna go yet! But it is nice that I found peace in being both sides. I do miss daylight bright summer nights, family, friends, some of the food (kebabtallrik, falukorv and potatoes that actually tastes something for example). I miss to feel safe outside, even in evenings. But after 3 months I am so ready to go back home to CT, trust me, it get's a bit boring, and the knowledge about winter on it's way makes it much easier!

I've gotten into a very lazy mode the last weeks. I lost all my energy. You know what I think I need? Exercise. But I just can not find myself doing it. How can it be so hard!? I am just talking about a walk in the morning or to get to the soccer on Tuesdays ( I promise to try go there tomorrow) or do some sit ups and push ups at home. But nope, nothing. I find myself working instead, or washing, or doing dishes, or watching series. Well, I hope it get's back soon.. Any ideas how to inspire myself?

Series.. at the moment I am following:
Sneaky Pete
Homeland
Riverdale
This is Us
Suits

Favourite is This is Us, for sure! But, Rupert Friend (Peter Quinn) has a fantastic part in Homeland this season, great actor! But how many seasons can Homeland go on for? Not so sure.. Riverdale is just another Teenage Series where the teenagers all look like they are over 20, but I like the Archie theme... And, it's perfect to watch when I am a bit tired. I just started to watch Sneaky Pete, and I am not sure how much I like it, but it is absolutely ok! Suits... one season too much? I kinda think so, not really exciting anymore. I just put my eyes on "Harvey", that's all :)

Oh harvey... 

Oh by the way, last weekend we organised a soccer tournament for fundraising. We raised R5000 only to have people come and play, have fun, eat some and dance some ( Thanks Metabs for the beats). I love organising events like this, it's a lot of planning, organising and work behind it, but when it is done, it is always so worth it!

Here is a pic of me and Erika from that day. Me in a Swedish t-shirt, of course ( GO ZLATAN)!

I wish I could blog about something fun... But... there is not much fun at the moment to update you about..

March!?!?!?

January was SO slow. February just disappeared. Crazy fast! Not sure how or why. I now have less than 4 months left here before I go to Sweden again. But 4 months is in one way a lot. Lot of things can happen.. I am aware of that..

Got home from another Garden Route Monday evening. That route starts to feel like home now. The roads, the hostels, the people. I love it. My favourite is still Myoli Beach in Sedgefield. It's amazing. Big, quite and the prettiest sunset AND sunrise. I wish there was a beach like that a little bit closer to Cape Town..

This week is full of admin. Planning. Emails. Phone calls. make sure things are sorted. On Saturday we are hosting a soccer tournament to fundraise for Breaking Bread Community Development  
Will be lots of fun but it also includes a lot of planning and organising and make sure people are coming etc, and things like these tends to be slightly more difficult in SA than in Sweden. People just live with the "manana manana" thinking. And it is awesome most of the time, but not when it comes to things like this. For example, I clearly wrote that 28th of Feb was last day to pay to be part of the tournament.. Today is the 1st of march and have even half of the teams paid? Nope.. Haha! I mostly laugh about it and do not get stressed anymore, but it is a bit frustrating sometimes. I could have all sorted, planned and fixed by now, and could relax until Saturday morning, now I know I will sit with this until Friday evening, and get teams to wanna book Saturday morning basically... Stress because of too LITTLE to do, and too much unorganised stuff. In Sweden you stress because everyone is super organised, want things to be done fast and stress you to hurry up... Different kind of stress, indeed! I think I prefer the South African stress though. Because it is just about to learn to not stress, and take it as it comes and when something comes up, I can fix it, until then, I can not do anything about it so why stress about it?

Ok a lot of bla bla bla about stress... Enough of that!

I have work to do! Laters - haters and lovers!

Another Monday

Today has been a very typical Monday. A Monday in Cape Town.
I set my alarm for 7.30. I don't need more than 8 hours sleep. What happened? I snoozed till 9 anyway. I always tend to do so. When you are your own bosses you can come to office at 11... Nice, but bad for my sleeping habits. So, I ended up sleeping too much and got a head ache the whole day. So stupid. I was supposed to wake up and take a morning walk... Yeah right..
Got to office about 11 and worked for about 4 hours. Then went buying some food ( chicken , tuna, sallad, egg, milk... whatever, trying to eat healthy ok!) and then home to make laaate lunch.
I was supposed to go and meet someone at 5 to talk a bit but she had to cancel so I am now in bed, working a little bit more ( I mean, 4 hours is a bit too little even if we are our own bosses) and then I will watch series.. I LOVE THAT I HAVE WIFI THAT CAN HANDLE TO DOWNLOAD MOVIES/SERIES haha... An episode of a 45 min show takes about 20 minutes to get, not too bad!

Erika is on a 5 day hike, no phone. It's boring to not be able to share my days with him, want to tell him about Saturday night, how tired I was on Sunday and how great "This is Us" is ( best series in a long time) and how much I miss him! And on Friday I go on a Garden Route trip so won't see him until Monday night again.. Well, we did 4 months away from each other last year and then another month in november.. We are ok !

Yeah, that's a Monday for me...

How are you all doing? Not sure anyone will read this tho.. But yeah, if you want to know about my life from 2006 - 2013 this blog tells a LOT! Dig in to the archive, stalkers.. :) 

Me and Cj at work, promoting a young boys caps! 

Topics?

I am trying to get a blog written for African Sunrise ( the company I run with my friend CJ) but I just can't find anything that I really wanna write about. It somehow should have to do with volunteering/Internships/Cape Town/community work or whatever. There should be plenty things to write, I know... I just can't find the right inspiration!
I am so used to write like this, about me, my life, my thoughts... I am not sure that is right for the company blog!? Maybe I should just write about my view of Cape Town? I am not sure...

Anyhow.. Life goes on here in Cape Town. I moved back to Obz, and I love it. I do not miss town at all to be honest. Here you have so many nice cafes and restaurants close around, you can walk to all of them, I know people, I just feel comfortable. I can go to town when I need, it's just 5 km away (Uber is 60 rand .. 40 kronor!).. I also stay in the best house since I moved to South Africa, and have the easiest house mate in Kirsten. Calmness.

Me and Erika are good. Very good. And I am so happy. It's been a journey of 10 months. True rollercoaster. Life is a rollercoaster though. I know it. And the downs are the ones that takes you up later. As long as I know we know what we want I am ok. I know! He is a very humble, honest and loving person and I have never felt like this before in my 32 (!) years of being alive.

Visa story.... Well, I am working on it, trying to find a way around it. A way to be allowed to stay in this country! It's amazing how hard it is even though I spent the last 5 years here.. But I will not give up. This is where I wanna be. I know!

So, just an update about my life I guess...

Will end with my favourite pic of me and Erika....

Just something to start with

Hey hi hello.

Have been some crazy months of my life. Lots of stress and mess but also a lot of love and fun.
I do not fell like my blog is the place anymore to share too much personal stuff.
But I can let you know that I have been through some of my toughest challenges, in several ways and I can only feel one thing about it now; Happiness.
I am so happy that this all have made me stronger, so much stronger. I know so much more about me and what I need and what I want. Oh, I also feel a lot of gratitude. For so many things. Life is not fair and you are a lucky bastard if you have the good things on your side. I am lucky at the moment. I know I will face more struggles, but I also know that I will be able to face them now. I will not run away anymore. I will face it, go through it and come out stronger from it.


That's all for now. BUT I promise to start write more again, ok!?

Life is so fragile

I did not want my next blogpost to be negative.
But I have been too busy to write during the good days.
Now I just really have to get something down here.

I have been through the hardest week of my life.
I never thought I would experience something like this.
I knew I took a risk when I got into this. But you know, it's always like that, "it will not happen to me".. But it did. And at the moment I am just truly sad. Sadness never been bigger in me I think.
I want to hope and believe and trust.

We will see. He is strong. And apparently I am too... Stronger than I ever thought I would be. I would not have been able to handle this 3 years ago. Not at all. I have learned so much about myself the last years, it's crazy. And such a good feeling. Someone said that love is not enough. And it is true. So let's see if the other parts will catch up with the love. I really deeply hope so.

The best job in the world

I have said it before. But I DO have the best job in the world.
I had to say goodbye to the kids today. About 10 boys around 15-17 years old that I have been working with all summer. I have spent more time with them than with anyone else the last 3 months. They have become my family. We have laughed, cried, fought, screamed, played, talked and just learned from each other.

They came to Sweden from another side of the world. Over mountains, through snow, through fire and war, crossing open oceans. They have seen things that I will never even gonna be able to imagine. And still they are the most humble, sweet, nice and caring people. They are teenagers, so no, they are not always nice, polite, calm. No teenager is. BUT they have something that not every teenager has. They have a mission, a vision of survival. They had to leave family and friends behind. To survive. To not die. To not grow up oppressed and treated like animals. This gives them an aura and a strength that not everyone has or ever will have.

THANK YOU for letting me be a part of your life. To let me listen to you, to let me be a friend.

I love you and I will miss you every day. INSHALLAH, I see you in June and by then all of you have got an "yes" and can stay in Sweden. Nothing else can be fair. But I know, the world is not fair. And I really hate that fact. But I feel it in my heart, that our time together isn't over yet.

So, I see you in June!

Time is irrelevant

Time is a weird thing.
Some things feels like they happened a few weeks ago, but it was actually years ago.
Some things feels like it was a lifetime ago, but it was just a few months ago.

I know that I am soon turning 32. But what does that mean, 32 years?
I just know that I appreciate getting older.
I do never wanna be 20-25 again. Confusing years.
I would not mind being 11 forever though.

Still learning. So much. THAT never gets old. No one knows everything. I believe that even when you are 75 you feel confused sometimes. "What do I want and need?" might never be answered.

And that is ok.

I know one thing only; I want to live NOW and appreciate today and tomorrow. I do not live my life to plan what to do when I am 60. That shit is just stressing and depressing, because you will change your mind so many times on the way anyway.

I do not plan my life more than 6-12 months ahead. And I am glad, because it never ended up the way I thought it would anyway. I love it. The unknowing.

I have no idea what this blog post is about. I am just awake, can not sleep, and think a bit too much.

I miss Cape Town, and can not wait to go. But as every year, I feel a bit scared. And I do always think "do I wanna live in Sweden?". Do I ? No. I do not think so. So for the next 9 months I will be in Cape Town and then another 3 months in Sweden. After that, who knows! Max 12 months planning...

Sverige

So I am soon done with another summer back home in Sweden.
All years are actually very different from each other, and I like that.
I like that I still feel like I learn something new every year and feel like I am developing and expanding this side of me. I do not go home for holiday. I work as much, or even more, when I am here. My job in South Africa is still there, almost every day. Emails, contacts with my co worker, meeting students and volunteers that will come to South Africa later, marketing, social media, planning for the next semester. There is not one single day where I do not think about that job. But main focus is still on my job in Sweden, the days I am at work. Even other days too, in the way that the refugee situation in Europe is something that is and always will be a part of who I am. It's been 8 years since I first had my internship at a home for refugee youngsters in my hometown. And I loved it from day one. And I stil say; it's the best job in the world! All the different cultures, religions, ethnical backgrounds, food, music etc. All the conversations and sometimes quite hectic arguments. I love it all. The whole "package".

Last year with my visits to Hungary, Serbia and Greece to help at the borders is a year that I will never forget. It has changed who I am. It has changed my view of people and made me realise so much about myself and also about politics, and how human rights seems to mean less and less in this world. But at the same time as I've seen so much tragedy and coldness I have never felt so much love. It's a weird feeling and I feel that a lot in South Africa too. The people that comes from the worst surroundings and the most terrible life stories, are almost always the most loving and caring.

But being a refugee, running away from home. That desperation that makes you to take the decision to put yourself and your children in a small boat over open ocean, or over mountains in snow and minus degrees, or to lay under a truck or inside a truck that maybe never opens again and you will die.. That is something that I can not even try to explain. To see that look in some of those peoples eyes.. I have a hard time watching anything on tv about this. I cry basically every time. If I close my eyes I am there again, on that field in Rözke in september 2015, hell on earth.

It is still hard to understand that a child that has seen fear, war and death can smile and play and love.
If children could run the world, we maybe would have a chance to survive on this planet.

But, it's time to go back now. To go back home. Because even if I love my job here in Sweden, Cape Town is home. That's where I feel like me. That's where I feel calmness and warmth. I can not really seem to find a way to fit in or really enjoy the every day life in Sweden. I have not in a very long time.

I am excited for the year that is coming up. Lots or work. But in a good way. I am so glad that CJ asked me to join African Sunrise in February! I do not even wanna think of where I would have been today if she didn't.

I am stressing a lot over my visa. It's a long and slow process. I remember from last time. And I know it will be harder this time. Since 2014 it's just more complicated. If I am lucky I have my visa by Jan next year. Until then, everything is a bit unclear. And I hate that. To just wait and to not know. And it's worse when you are in another country where you do not know bureaucracy enough. It is basically the same as in Sweden, but when you read files and papers and directions in a language you don't know 100% it is easy to get confused and stressed.

But, I am not a refugee, I am not in NEED of this visa. I just want it. And this is what I keep in mind. The worst thing thatcould happen is that I would have to go back to Sweden. And that is not a danger for my life or my human rights. So I am very aware of that there are kids in Sweden that ran away from terrible things in Eritrea, Afghanistan, Somalia, Syria etc. that has been waiting 8 months just to get to their first interview at the migrations office. And after that months or maybe years will follow with the process of the asylum application.

So in the end; I will be ok. And I am trying every day to not take that privilege for granted.

Cape Town; See you in 10 days!

A month later

It's been a good month. Ever since I decided to actually deal with reality and face my fears it all has started to feel so much better. I knew this day would come, when it all slipped away and became my new life. It took 1,5 year to get here. But I knew there is no way to rush it. It has to take time sometimes. And it did. And it helped.

I feel like I am really in a big new chapter of my life. I have started a new job, I feel home in Cape Town again, I have chosen the friends I wanted to keep and I have slowly started to open up my mind about the idea of me in a relationship again. I feel alive again. The numbness that I felt for so many months is slowly fading away.

I do not regret many things in life, everything happens for a reason and wherever I end up every little thing on the way has been part of me getting there. Nothing is pointless. Everything leads to the next thing in life.

I have 2 more months in CT before I do 3 months in Sweden again. I feel, as always, very confused about it but I need to go to Sweden for several reasons. Friends, family, kids at work, money. There we go. One day I might just stay in CT 12 months a year and just go home for short vacation in summer. But for now, this is the way I need to do it. I do not complain. Sweden is a good place to charge the batteries at. I love Cape Town but it is sometimes energy draining somehow.

I said I was gonna update here more, but we will see about that. Every time I feel like writing I will. But no pressure. I am writing for ME mostly, then YOU can all get a touch of where I am in life...

Have a GREAT sunday all.

Separation Anxiety

I have come to an end of this emotional train. I needed to go to Sweden for 7 months, come back, and crash again, to realise this. I got told in 2009 that I probably suffer from separation anxiety. I agreed. Then I forgot about it.

Started to travel to South Africa. Started a job in Sweden that I loved and got new friends. So I forgot about it. I wanted to just feel ok. And I did. Until reality came back.

I just need to find a way to feel calm again, or not again... I think I never felt calm. It has always been a storm and a roller coaster. Life.

I need to work on my self esteem, my separation anxiety, my fear of losing people. My self awareness has to come back. I had it for a while. Then I drowned in love. Love for a guy but also love for a new country. I forgot about myself because everything was fun and easy. Until it got hard again.

I'm not sure what's real anymore but I am trying to figure it out.

Progress started.



Vi kan prata i timmar om sånt vi tror vi saknar
och om hur staden och vardagslivet till slut stal all vår ungdom och all vår kärlek
Men vi var inte menade att slåss vi var menade att älska
och jag hatar mig själv när jag hör mig gnälla på dig för nån skitsak

Men inget av det här betyder nått
Det är bara ord som gått vilse i allt det svarta och kommit emellan oss

Tvåsamhet är ondskan och singelliv det dödar vi bygger murar
Runt våra hjärtan för att hålla det tryggt men jag vill inte vara trygg
Jag vill ju brinna och sånt och minnas hur vacker du är
och varför jag en gång föll så hårt och handlöst för dig

Men inget av det här betyder nått
Det är bara ord som gått vilse i allt det svarta och kommit emellan oss

Landed in the mother city!

So, I am back home. And at the same time I miss home. This will never really be a normal feeling. I am used to it, but it's kinda hard every time. It's been eight years since I started this journey. And I am not done with it yet. Only time can tell me what to do or not.

At least I love the sun, ocean, cheap drinks and awesome food. Always.

Will try do some more updates here sooner than later!

Brain over cooked

I moved on. But the fact is always there. he was that one I believed was that special one. And for now I am very pleased with being alone. It is so much easier. I am happier than in 10 years maybe. And it is the first time in 10 years I do not have "someone". The first time I do not have to try to trust someone.

Says a lot.

There are other things more important than love.



I do not want him. I do not want us. But I will always love him. Does that make sense? 

Truth

I really wish I could travel in time.
I wanna know what we say about 2015 in about 45 years from now.
Is this World War III ?
Will IS/Daesh and Talibans be compared with Hitler? Or should the US, UK, France, China & Russia ( and some other countries) maybe be compared with him?
I'm not sure.

The UN that was created after World War II is now (and always been) ran by China, US, UK, Russia and France. Do they really want peace?

UNHCR and Red Cross are jokes.

I have seriously been thinking of moving to a village somewhere in eastern or southern Africa. With no internet connection. And just live day by day without knowing shit about what's going on in the world. My days would be about sleep, eat, friends and work.

The world situation is making me cry several times a week. I am serious. What is happening right now is FUCKED up for real. It is everywhere. Syria, Afghanistan, Eritrea, Burundi, Kongo, Iraq, Pakistan, Palestine etc etc etc.. I am tired.

I always had hope. A belief that things are fixable. In the world, in my life, in love, in everything.
The last 1-2 years have made me stop this belief. I do not see it anymore.

I do not wanna be sad over these kind of stuff anymore. But I could never be happy again, as long as shit is going on like this.

Some words about this refugee situation in Europe..

That word refugee has kind of become a word used as homeless, drug addicts, alcoholic. It is used in the same way. You are supposed to feel sorry for, care for and help them, or you should oppress, hate, despise and blame everything bad in society on them.

Black or white. Up or down. For or against.

It's people we're talking about. Individuals; Children. Adults. Old. Young.

It is not a group of people where everyone is the same, which all do the same things, where all feel the same way or behave and react the same way.

I think this became so much more clearer to me the first time I went down in Europe to help at the border of Hungary / Serbia. I saw it so much clearer. One person at a time, each with their own history. All with different interests, attitude, mood or ideas.

They have only one thing in common to 100% - they have all somehow been forced to leave their home, all the safety they once had (or perhaps never had because they lived in a place where safety never really was a thing). They've all (of the ones I've met) traveled (mostly by foot) through many countries, past several borders of unpleasant police, discarded information and insecurity about what will happen at the next border control.

That is what they have in common.

Otherwise, they are individuals. Can we stop talking about "they" and "we" now? Please?

I was there, in Serbia on the border with Hungary the night of September 15th when Hungary decided to close the border completely. We were some people who realized that "oh well they close the border here in Hungary and this camp (in Rözke) is getting emptied of people so probably there will be lot of people stuck on the other side then when the border is getting closed"

I was there when we were 15 volunteers who built up a camp for at least 1,000 people, when the "real" organizations were not in place. Was it because of bureaucracy? Or because they did not understand better, or because they just did not want / could work at night? No one knows. But they were not there anyway, in a place that we all knew would be a stop for many refugees that during the day had not been informed that the border would be closed. We drove the car back and forth with the sick and the elderly so that they could get to the border before midnight. We shouted at people "Jalla Jalla, border is closing soon". We saw people running with their children in their arms the fastest they could to cross the border to get inside the EU's walls before it was too late. Many did not manage. Many arrived one minute past twelve to see a closed border with a wall of Hungarian policemen who did not care a damn about that their job probably is among the most heinous in the world right now.

For all these people, we were building a camp for the night, when there was no way they could walk hundreds of kilometers in the middle of the night on the country roads in Serbia to Croatia's border. We managed to get them to stay. To get some rest and food.

How did we do this?
Well, we had contacts in Hungary from the camp side that we called, they had to drive through the border and bribe the Serbian police to take in tons of tents, sleeping bags, sleeping mats. We went by car and emptied every gas station we could find from water, food and snacks. We called in doctors (volunteers) and we had luckily an awesome guy on the spot from England who knew Arabic and was the best person to organise and make sure people did the right things to help the best ways. Ahmed, I will never fotget you!

The day after this night was the day when the border police started spraying tear gas and beat both refugees and a journalists ... it was this day things just got worse.

It was that night I realized that volunteers play a major role in this whole situation. We do things others can not or want to do. The big organizations are "clocking out" at midnight many times. The work is not over at midnight. Some of the hardest tasks start at midnight. The big organizations can not do what they want without an "ok" up from the top dog. They ( some of them) just do their job. Everyone does not do it with the heart. Unfortunately. I will never again give money to these organizations. My money will either be used by myself to do such things as we are doing now or it will be given to people, individuals, small organizations that I can see are doing it for the right reasons They are not taking out huge salaries to help in crisis situations,  and no one sits in an office in NY and earn huge money.

I'm so happy for the team that is going to Greek on Tuesday. Good mix of people where I know everyone does this because they want to, because they feel they "need" to do it. We are all doing it because it's unable to sit at home and just watch it happen. It is possible to do something, and we are doing it. It's actually not more difficult than that. Actually! We are really a great mixed group of people going. Different ages, gender, education, ethnicity. This is when it is at its best; When you mix!

By the way: thanks for all the contributions. It will help, lots. Love to you all!

Selfie time

So. It was time for a change. This time the hair! I have not had dark hair since 2012. I've missed it. I'm not 100% convinced but what to do :) It's done. What I do need is some sun, I look very pale with this hair :) Also, I AM very pale in fact. Haha.

I am starting to miss Cape Town more and more. I miss the fun. The chill. The wine. Janilla. I miss to go out and dance till late in the night or early in the morning. I miss day drunk. I miss the ocean I miss the pool. I miss the food. I miss a lot of people.

 This month is gonna be kinda crazy though. Work work work, party, Greece ( refugee aid), Stockholm Student Fair ( Southern Ambition stuff). More work. Madde asked me how many days I have in a year, since I do so much stuff all the time. I do not feel like that's it, but yeah, I am for sure a very restless soul. I do get bored quick and I need action in my life. I think this is why I can not see myself living in Sweden yet. YET. I think I do know I will later. Maybe. Haha. No idea. I change that idea every day, so I better not even try to decide yet. I need more time to figure that out. I need more Cape Town to see if it is Cape Town that I want.

 Ps. I am SO tired of all the racist shit that is going on in this country. It is scary and sad.

 Good night.

Stuck in a moment

It has been 4 months now. I have almost 3 months left. I feel very unsure about it all. What I want, what I need. Where I wanna be, what I wanna do. But I am sure Cape Town will be awesome as always so no stress. But 2016 will probably be a year of bigger decisions.

It is hard, I will say almost impossible to put words on what I have seen in south/east Europe the last weeks. It is so many stories, people, situations that are all different and most of them sad. I have never in my life seen so much misery in one place. I have worked in South Africa in townships with really poor and underprivileged children and I have been in Brazil in the favelas. But this is something else. The desperation and the fact that most of the people run away from bloody war is just making it so so sad. The children look so tired and their eyes are often "empty". What have they seen? What have they been through? How many weeks have they been walking? What do their mother tell them before they go to sleep?

I could talk forever about this. There are so many issues that should be sorted out. There are so many examples of how police, help organisations and other people have been assholes in this situation.
But this has to be TOLD, I can not find words ( in english) to explain it enough in written words..
Just let me know and I would love to tell you what I have seen..

Oh... On saturday I turn 31. Wow. TIME FLIES for sure, haha!

blah blah, I do not have much to say actually.. Just a small update.. LATER!

It's been a while

I seriously did not have any time to write.
I have never in my life been this busy. In a good way. Here are so many things to do, in areas where I feel needed and wanted. I would call myself a workaholic at the moment, I NEED this, I would feel lost without it. Work is the funniest part of my life at the moment and it doesn't bother me one second.

Europe is in a weird situation. More of a situation that big parts of the world always been in. But you know, when it happens here, people are in chock. People can not believe "it is happening here". Time to wake up people! The WHOLE world is fucked up. Europe is not a safe bubble anymore. Time to  stand up and DO something.
I will probably go down south-east again to work a few days for the refugees rights. I think about it every day. Things I've seen. Things I've heard. People I met. I am needed. Everyone is needed there. The resources are not enough, not even close. So, anyone that CAN do something, should. This is a part of the history that  you will tell your grandchildren about. Do you want the question "so, grandma, what did YOU do to help?" and only have the answer"nothing"... ? I seriously think this will be the world war III in the history books.

I have 3, 5 more months here. Half time is now. Feels weird. I do miss Cape Town, but I am not ready to go back. I hope I feel ready in January.

Well, it's only a flight ticket away, and I am fortunate enough to have that choice of "just go back if it doesn't feel right"

I need another year to figure out what it is that does feel right.

Ps. I am finally so over that old ex of mine, and I feel FREE and happy again. I like ME again and I am moving on with my life, stronger than before. I hope that he will find peace in his lost soul one day too. 

Summer vibes and a lost soul

There was a time when I was very open, true and honest on this blog. But it made me fragile. To a point where I suddenly wasn't comfortable anymore. In the last years I have become more closed, more private and less "listen, I feel shit, see me, hear me" and more "life is fucking good and I need to focus on that and tell people to live their lives". I open up to a very few people and they know. I found people that can handle that I freak out sometimes, that I over think stuff and I do still have my days of feeling very very low and lost. But I do not need the WORLD to know every time.

I am not sure what changed. I think Cape Town and my job in Sweden helped me a lot.

I know I said it when I as 20. I said; " When I am older I really wanna live in a warm country when it's winter in Sweden and in Sweden during summer". Back then I didn't have the confidence to think that I would make that happen. I thought I would be the small town girl I was born and stay around and get kids and just be happy to be alive.. But something changed around 2008. I was unhappy, I lived in a sad bubble of low self esteem and a lot of anxiety and really bad periods of just "giving up on life". Then I started to study. And did an internship in Cape Town. This was 2008.
It took me another 1,5 year  and another visit to Cape Town to really wake up and to break up and leave a bad relationship and start to love and respect myself. Not again. Started.  I think I never really loved who I was before. To grow up in a small town and feel that you never really fit in, that you are weird, that you can not be YOU and also be accepted, that fucks you up a little.

There were a few people around me that made me realise that I was ok, that the way I wanted to live life was ok, that I do not have to do and be like everybody else. Being weird is ok. Being A weirdo is ok, and actually more fun than being "normal". I started to talk to other people that travels a lot, that feel that Sweden is not enough, that a need of adventure, culture changes, sun and other stuff are needed in life. I started to realise what I wanted. I remembered that thing I said when I was 20, about living in Sweden during summer and somewhere else during winter. And I started a plan to make that happen

Cape Town. The love of my life. It's been more than 7 years now since I first put my feet on South African land. Since that first time, it has never been more than 9 months between the times I've visited. And in August 2012 I could move and work, FINALLY! I knew it was the right decision. The kids. The people on the streets. The women. They got a hold of me. I could NEVER leave them and never come back. The kids especially. I've seen some of them growing up and I love them as if they were my own blood. I just can not ever leave them.

But, sacrifices were needed. I knew I was gonna leave my full time job in Sweden that I loved. A job that also made me feel that I was ME and that it was a good thing to be who I am. I could give something and I was good at something. Happy as I am I can still work there when I am home in Sweden, which I have been at least 3 months every year. This time a bit longer ( do not ask me about that yet, I am not sure at all how I feel about it... haha )

And now?
For the first time in 3 years I feel a bit lost again. I am not sure what I want or need at the moment. But I've learned one thing, and that is to not stress about it. I can not force myself to feel anything. It needs to come with time. I will see, with a few more months here, what it makes to me.

It is a little scary that I hardly miss Cape Town at the moment.
I think it scares me a bit too, Cape Town. The break up with P has not been easy and I am really not over him and I do still love him. Being in Cape Town scares me. It's a feeling about never letting go and move on. That I will always miss him if I am there. He was the biggest part of my Cape Town life for so long and I have still not adjusted to the life there, without him. But. I promise, I will not make that be in my way. I am going back in January, and I just have to deal. I know I can do it. And I will.

Cape Town is still the best place I know on this planet, so far and I do call it home, more than I call Mjölby home. That says a lot, I think!

Life in a bag and a laptop

Since I left Cape Town 17th of June I have been around and about a lot. I have had zero/nada/none single day with just staying home and doing nothing. There has always been a meeting or work or a trip somewhere. I am still going on like that until the end of August. And then most of the fall too..

Restless Soul on the Roads.

Home. Right now home is with my mum in my hometown Mjölby. A city with 14 000 people. Yes, most people know each other or at least recognise you if you are around the same age. I really do not care though. I have my own room, fast wifi and homemade food. What more do you need? :) I do not have time to do much more than sleep anyway.

Work. For you who doesn't know; I am working at a home for refugee youth. They are 16-18 years old and coming alone as refugees from different countries. Most common countries are Afghanistan, Somalia, Eritrea and Syria. We are their family. 24/7 we are around and we help them with anything you can imagine a teenager needs help with, + a lot of personal stuff and things to deal with, coming from places that are very different from Sweden.. I love it. It's my place, it's what I'm good at, what I wanna do. It is important I get a touch of this every year. It refills me with some great energy and self esteem.

I wanna write so much more, but once again a whole day is gone in emails and chats and meeting.. So Im our, need a brake from the screen. My laptop is my best friend, I guess, no one or no thing is spending more time with me... :)

Over and out!

I'm leaving on a jet plane but I DO know when I'm back again

I also use to say "Cape Town I love you, but you're bringing me down" 

I love this city but I am ready for Sweden now.

“South Africa is a place of spirit-distorting paradox, a land with a bipolar disorder that swings you from joy to despair in the space of a heartbeat. It twists your arm behind your back and ties your sanity in a knot. It bullies you until you’ve forged your opinion on politics, crime, AIDS, the state of the roads, the economy or the politicians.

It’s not for the wishy washy or the fence sitters. It demands you know who you are and what you stand for. It keeps you fit, on your toes and looking over your shoulder. It steals your purse and holds your soul ransom. As much as I was, at times, on the edge of sanity living there, I was also stimulated, driven and felt bungy-jumpingly alive. The shades of happiness and fear mottled. I knew that leaving, like chemotherapy, would kill off the best things in my life as well as the worst.”

- Joanne Fedler

Afrikaburn and some other stuff

My friend Mari did this awesome video from her last visit to Cape Town.

I love it.

TVÅ VECKOR!

2 weeks left. GEEZ I am starting to freak out. Haha. I always do.
But it will be FUN. But I will miss some people a LOT.

Janilla, Hanna, Weronika, Katha, CJ, Martyn, Jon, Bub, Kurt, Gino, David, Alejandra and many more that have become to mean so much to me the last year.
I think Janilla knows me better than anyone in this world actually. There has been some rough times in my life and she was there, all the time. Thanks Janilla for feeding me and drinking wine with me when it was needed the most :)

Anyway, can not wait to get away from wind and rain and get some sun again.

Sweheheheheheden!

So. 3 weeks left today. That is SO short.

BUT, I am starting to really look forward to have some time at home. Or "home".
I see Cape Town as home and Sweden as where I grew up. Anyway..

I am looking forward to a lot of things. First, summer is gonna be awesome;

18-24 june: coming back home, seeing friends and family, celebrating midsummer ( big tradition in Sweden) and will also get back to work and that's a highlight, can't wait to meet all the staff and all the kids! Guess there will be a lot of new kids and probably much more people from Syria than last year, due to the situation in Syria.. Will be interesting. I miss to really work as a social worker full time, to really get to do stuff on a daily basis.

25-28 june: Mari is coming and we will go to Bråvalla Festival. SO MANY GREAT BANDS. Robbie Williams, Kent, Muse, Milky Chance, Rise Against, Mew and many many more.

29 june-1 july: work

2-9 july: Croatia! With SO many family members coming down at the same time. SUN, FOOD, WINE.

10 july - 28 july: work, friends, family time

28 july - 4 july : Munich! Visiting Karina. Haven't seen her in 1,5 year. And hopefully Nina will come over from Switzerland too!

As you can see, my first 2 months wont be hard to cope with :)

Then I will be on the roads from september - december. All over Sweden and maybe Norway and Denmark too. Visiting schools, universities, tourism companies etc etc. And I will visit friends everywhere. Will be fun to live in a suitcase :) The nomad in me is still alive.

YES, I am ready for this!

Afrikaburn

Afrikaburn. A festival based in the middle of nowhere in the Karoo of Northern Cape.

The only things you will get for free are toilets. Anything else you have to bring. Food, water, tent, clothes, drinks, drugs ( if you using that stuff eeeerhm..) showers (for pussies!)..

 You can not buy anything on the spot, if you run out there is only one way; trading. I got short of cigarettes quick because I was very friendly the first night and gave a lot away. I had to come up with an idea so I had a lot of lollipops to trade and it worked :)

Afrikaburn has no payed artists, no real stages. Everything is basically just brought there and anyone can do anything. Lot's of the camps have different themes and you can book your own camp in beforehand and be part of the map. Amazing way to reach out to people with your music, art, comedy or anything else! All the wooden art work get burnt down in the dark evenings. People have planned for this for a year and the art you get to see is amazing!

 I didn't know what to expect before we went there. Southern Ambition brought about 125 students, mostly americans, but it was very smooth actually. They were all as excited as I was so we all just wanted things to get done quick so we could start to explore the area. And oh, there was so much to explore, I didn't even manage to see half of it I think, in 3 days. But I had such a lovely time and I will go back, for sure!

 I have no words to explain this, at least not in my lame english. It's just a beautiful place, with super nice people and lots of cool art in all ways. Check out the pictures!

Words. About nothing. But everything.

So.
Life is pretty exciting.
I did just get home from Afrikaburn, which was such an amazing festival. I still do love Roskilde festival, but this was pretty close in awesomeness. Read Pags blog post about it HERE, Pags works with me at Southern Ambition and is a really great writer (and a really fucking funny person in general).

I have 1 month and 13 days left in South Africa this year. WOW. Writing that down makes it feels more real. And I have no idea how to feel about that. Not at all. A part of me says it WILL be amazing. I will have time to spend with my family and close lovely friends that I've missed so much. That I always am missing. But the other part of me starts to think about cold weather, dark days (yes it does get dark around 3-4 pm in winter) and boring weekdays. I am used to the life here now, where there is always something to do, more or less, that will make it hard to stay home even on a monday night.

Summer in Sweden is great. I truly love it. But I never have and never will like the winter. There is NOTHING that I love about it. Everything is better in summer. People are happier, days are brighter and there is so much more to do. I will only have 2 months of winter though. And I do know that I will come back here, come back HOME, with new energy and I will appreciate this place so much more. But, if I could chose... I wouldn't stay that long in the "middle milk land" (look up the word Lagom and what it means and you will know what I mean).
For those who likes football. Zlatan Imbrahimovic is everything a typical Swede is not. He is "too much". He likes himself and is proud of what he become. And he talks about it and he is just himself. But thats not how it works in Sweden. Check also the word "jantelagen" and you will understand more.

I always been very different, or, that's how I felt. I kind of got it proven the other day when my friend that knows me for 3 years now found out that my dad is from Croatia said "that explains SO much". That's based on that he met a lot of swedes here in South Africa and he never understood that I was from there, based on who I am, how I am. I am too loud, to non polite, too "much" to be a swede, they say. It's not a problem, but an interesting fact that I've always been aware of. I've always felt a bit like the weirdo. I've always been thinking to myself "If I could only shut up sometimes". But that thought is coming to my mind VERY very rarely here, bit still very often in Sweden.

Anyhow. I have no idea what I am writing about today. I just felt a need of writing some. I have had a lot of my mind the last weeks.

I do also feel like myself again. That breakup last year took everything away from me and myself. I lost myself for a good while. Even before the break up. But I am back on track again. I have moved on. At least to the part where I feel like myself again, that I need ME and not someone. I can do life alone, I did it before and loved it and I am doing it again and I am fine with that. That break up should have happened earlier, since we were not capable of seeing the solutions that were there. Then it was too late and that's when it's time to move on. I didn't see it until maybe 2 months ago. But now it's very clear. And it's such a relief. Such a good feeling.

There is even a person that has been making me feel like a nice person again. That has opened me up a bit and make me believe in myself again. I start to feel like that I am actually pretty awesome just as I am. I've missed that feeling.  I will always appreciate that person for that.

I just feel more accepted and more happy in South Africa. That's why the 6 months in Sweden scares me a bit. I do not wanna fall back to that Tania again, that I was a few years ago.

But I also know I won't. But the fear is still there and bothering me some days. Days like today when my brain is over loading on everything.

Back to Shameless, what an awesome series.

Say No To Xenophobia

In Sweden we have a lot of problems with xenophobia.
Mostly based on lack of knowledge. Or, if you ask me, a lot of stupidity and mostly selfishness.

In Sweden we have everything. Seriously, compared with most places on this planet, we have everything. Free School for 12 years, free food in school, free university, a social welfare system that makes it almost impossible to end up living on the streets, free health care, a very good public transport system, a high minimum wage, months of parental leave for both parents, very cheap daycare for children, cheap insurances and much more that makes life very easy to live, if you think about it.

We have enough to share, we have enough to take care of those running away from war, starvation, homophobia, dictatorships and other terrible stuff. We pay high taxes, yes, but that makes this possible. To help people that has no other choice than running from their home, their families and friends. No one WANTS to run away. No one wants to spend 3 months under a truck through Europe or on a small boat crossing the Mediterranean sea (with a high possibility of drowning). It's not a choice. It's the only way to maybe survive and give you children a future. Children that have no choice of where they are born. I am just LUCKY that I was born in Sweden with all these privileges it gives me.

I think we should all take a look at our selves and what we are complaining about. Concider yourself very very lucky and be humble and move on. Do not say that people from Somalia just come to Sweden and live on our tax money before you tried to understand where they come from. Someone that comes from a country without a working system (they got their first ATM EVER last year), with no schools, no government and no rules won't get into the swedish culture in a month or two. Would YOU be able to live like them if you had to move there tomorrow? Would you drop all your swedish traditions? Would you never speak swedish again with your friends? wouldn't you like to stay close to your family and friends?

Yes, maybe you do not wanna share, maybe you think we will lose all those great things if too many refugees comes to Sweden. Let me tell you shortly; It's not happening, I wont bring all the facts here, you can google it yourself. It is NOT affecting us to loose all that we have. We are ok! We will stay ok! Check the facts. The real ones.

Why I bring this up?
Because something terrible is going on in South Africa at the moment. South Africans are burning people alive, based on exactly this. Xenophobia. The thoughts are the same as I see a lot in Sweden; "they come here and they take our jobs".
Yes, South Africa has a way bigger problem with unemployment, I am aware of this. BUT, this has nothing to do with the fact that people are doing what they are doing now.
How can people, that live in a country that was ruled under Apartheid less then 30 years ago do this to other people? I am very very confused, upset, angry. WHAT are people thinking? How can anyone feel the right to abuse someone, even kill someone based in this?

I am just sad. People in SA should stand up and unite and make sure this wont continue for long.
Also, where the F**K is Zuma? Where is he now, why is he quit. Mr President, shame on you.

A pic from our office to stand behind Human Rights:

6 months in Sweden

So, it happens to be that I will be in Sweden for 6 months this year. It's very exciting and also very scary. It's WAY out of my comfort zone, for sure. But I am pretty sure that what doesn't kill us really makes us stronger. I think Cape Town showed me how to make every situation the best as possible and that it's actually up to me to make sure I am happy. I will not be that bored and depressed in Swedish winter this time as I would a few years back. There is always things to do to feel better.

It's not that I dislike Sweden. It's just that it's not "home" anymore. Not as much as Cape Town is home. It will be some days when I will struggle hard with the cultural differences and yeah, the weather in november/december :) But I will also have so much fun!

TIME TO MAKE LIFE AWESOME AGAIN!

The More About Nothing Show

It's really really weird to watch myself on video. My first thought was "I look like dad! And like my brother!" Anyway, a nice relaxed interview basically about what I do here in Cape Town and some thoughts about kids here compared with kids back home in Sweden.

 

New year new life

It's been a while.
Didn't have much to say. Not things that I wanted to share with everyone else.

It's been tough, the last 6 months. Some of the hardest months in my life. To go through a heart break in another country, far away from my closest friends and family and "my" life, it has been really hard. Nothing to really lean back to. But I am also VERY thankful for those who has been with me, on my side and done anything they could to help me to feel better. Without them I would have been gone crazy and probably left home to Sweden. I am proud of myself to been through this and that I didn't give up and I have been dealing. With my feelings, with my issues, with my anger, with my sadness. This is why I feel ok now. I did deal with it all. I talked to people, I asked people for advice, I've got so many different sides of it and it helped. I don't believe anyone can deal with something like this alone, in their own head. You need to see it from outside, you need people to criticise, you need to wake up and stop seeing things only from your own side. Otherwise You will be stuck in your own head forever and probably also be alone forever. I normally would stay home, stay in, alone, being sad, think, cry, feel shit. And then think that I'm good. But actually I didn't do anything to see what actually happened, what went wrong, why it went wrong.

This time I did, and it's been hard. On me. And on Him. But it was needed. I need to know that I understand what went wrong, and it's also important that He knows what I think about this. If he cares or not, I am not sure, but I know that I at least tried to tell him, tried to talk to him.

And I am happy now. I am so ok. I feel alive again. I've found myself again. I am not judging anyone in this but the lifestyle I had for the last 2 years is not for me. WAY too much drinking, way too little activity and days outdoors. I mean, I am in one of the most beautiful cities in the world and I wasted so many days tired or hungover or just lazy in bed when there is so much to do in this city.

The last month I have enjoyed this city so much and next weekend I will go camping. Just tents, food, drinks and friends out of town. Simple but so nice. I also enjoy work so much more, mostly because I am not tired when I go there. And my job is not a job, it's my interest, my passion, a part of my life.. I sleep better, I eat better, I drink less, I smoke less.

I do not blame anyone else for not being "alive". I had a choice. But it's also hard to be me and do me when the other person has no interest in knowing or being with the real me while I really enjoyed his life, his friends a lot. His life was all that was interesting for him. I could have tried more, but should I have to TRY so hard? No I don't think so. No ones fault then mine. I could have stepped out way earlier but you all know, love makes you stupid ;) And oh, I did love him, more than anyone else before. I still miss him. But... I have moved on. There were things that was able to fix. It's not anymore. Not at all. It's gone and wont come back. And I am glad about that, finally.

I have learned a lot about myself the last 2,5 years and it's mostly positive. I will get out stronger, better and smarter from this whole mess.


I AM BACK and it feels great to be alive.


I just realise that TODAY it's exactly six months since the break up. Six months to feel alive again. It's not too bad if you see a whole life time. I knew I needed time. Actually more time than this. But, I've learned the biggest lesson; DEAL WITH YOUR SHIT, AND DON'T DO IT ALONE. That will help you a lot. 

What are you hiding from?

Last month had been weirder than any other month.

You confuse me so much.

Life confuses me so much.

I need to get my shit together and get motivated and happy again.

2015. Bring it on!

- I still love you more than anything