God natt. Good Night.

I think I will get back my dark hair soon.

I should try to sleep but it's so hot. I tried, but gave up. I'm not complaining tho. Not at all. There is nothing that I miss with winter, snow and minus degrees. I prefer to sweat!

It's a lot of job right now. It's crazy. I actually never had a job before where it's been this busy. I've been spoiled with jobs that are super hectic short periods and then it's cool again. Time for rest and to breath. Now it's just a LOT every day, all the time. There is always things I could and should do. But I like it! It is fun. For sure.

4 more months here. Then back to Sweden for a while. This year will be exciting. Like last year was too. I love it, I'm fucking proud of myself. I have been doing it my way. I'm where I wanted to be for years. Im 28 years old and there is nothing that I miss in my life right now. I have new goals, for sure, but for now I'm fine and I have the goals in my head and I know the future will get me there. I have a plan.

Just so you know: You really make me feel like I should. Like myself. Thanks for that. 

Ich bin nicht aus Deutschland!

I have no idea why, but I know it's true that people from europe usually take it as an insult to be asked "oh, where are you from? Wait let me guess? Germany?" 
Can anyone help me to explain this? Is it their bad food? Or their not so nice language? Or that they are weird sometimes? Or is it just world war 2 that's still in our head? I have no idea. I just know I'd rather been taken for someone from Norway or Denmark or Holland or WHERE EVER, but not Germany (ok, actually, not Finland, they are even weirder over there).

I always regret that I learned German in School instead of French. Stupid!

Ok, I started to google German food, and I remember now, when I was there, it WAS bad!

Bist du hungrig?

5 years ago

Exactly 5 years ago I came to South Africa for the first time. Time flies!

2008 january -  april
2009 february-april & december
2010 january-march
2012 march & september -december
2013 january-june & probably september -december

Thats 18 months all together. 1,5 year. Can I soon call me a Cape Townian?

I feel as home here as I feel in Sweden. Actually I'm more lost in Sweden cause I don't know what town is "my" town there. I think this year will really tell me what I want. I've been trying out Cape Town for sure but will also be back home for 3 months and get a feeling of everything.

Work is BUSY right nor so just let me go back to that.

Hanging with the kids at the soup kitchen

All the volunteers from you2africa

Me, Eben and Rushan and Irina at the orphanage in Lansdowne

Girls at the beach

In Phumlani, Phillipi, with my favorite girl! 

Kids in Phumlani

What I do.

Someone's wondering what the h*ll I'm doing at work all day long? Hm, let me try explain:
I work with my laptop, a lot. I answer emails from people in Sweden (mostly) that are interested in coming here and volunteer. I look for accommodation for the people that are coming. I email a lot of backpackers to set a good price, look for houses/rooms around Cape Town. I spend a lot of time talking to Dina to make plans for different things. How to get more people to come here, how to take care of those who are actually coming. I'm updating the facebook site and the blog every day.
Some days I drive the volunteers to the projects and at the same time making a visit there to show that we are around and also check that it works like it should. I'm always looking for new projects, good projects. A lot of emails, googleing, meetings and phone calls for that.

This is basically what I do. But some days there are other things happening. We organize fundraisings, events with the projects, parties/braais for the volunteers, trips to Cape Point/Table Mountain/wine yards etc etc.

My job is actually really nice!

Friend of the day

Amira.
Thanks for listening to my weird girly questions. I know YOU will understand and give me honest answers. Appreciate it a lot. I will stop being this paranoid. But when I am, it's god to have you, as a guy, to tell me how "you guys" think most of the times. 

                                                  Love you!

Retarded me in the pool!

Went with Peter to this really nice spot in town. It's a hotel with a nice pool. You are allowed to be there the whole day, you just have to spend R100/group of people. So, we had some ciders and beers and chilled the whole saturday afternoon. And yes, I forgot sunscreen and yes, I got burned. The beach feels far away sometimes, then this is perfect! (and it's also very close to where I stay)

Friday

I'm lazy and stressed at the same time. Not a good mix at all, haha. Try do some work. It's going ok. Can't wait for weekend. But also the weekend will include some work...
January and February are crazy busy. March will be more chill and April will be super busy again!

I've been a little low the last week. I don't know why. But I'm sure it will be over soon. I need some energy, from something. Like a trip away from town with friends. That would be lovely.

So my batterie is about to die. Will run over to Peters place and borrow his laptop. More work to be done before it's weekend.  

Later!

Note to myself:

Stop being so fucking paranoid! There's no reason, ok!?

I always do this. And Matilda; thanks for listening and make me feel a little less worried. It helps, even if it's just simple word that I allready know. But it helps when it comes from someone else! I love whatts App but I hate that you are so far away. See you in june!

Now I'm gonna eat pizza and watch The Wire.

Over analyzing

As always.

Insane in that brain

I just love his hands!

Just like that.

YOU! you you you. 

This is scary as hell. Im trying to be normal. Or no. I'm not "normal" and will never be. I just try to stay sane. Be me. And it seems to work? I hope so.

But Shiiiiiit it's scary folks. I have no idea how to do this thing. I'm not used to things that isn't dysfunctional... How bad is that!? I'm used to be half of me, or look out for cheating stuff, or be prepared to be turned down, or to be ignored as soon as the friends are around, or to be one out of a lot more girls than just me, or to beg to not leave me (sad but true story). Yeah most of all, I'm used to be ME but never the whole of me. Finally someone can take me for the weird Tania I am. So I just do it my way..

I am also used to get bored. Or finding wrongs and a big No. I am used to run away because of silly stuff just to not get that close so it actually would hurt later. I am used to be nice but hard. Never get anyone too close and never make anything special. I am used to have a back up plan in my head. I am used to not just have one person in my head. As bad it sounds, it's true. I am used to not be like this!

Please just don't let me down and make me put you in that box with the other "dudes"...
I don't think that's gonna happen tho.. But I will say please anyway.

EGO

You can hardly see that my nose is broken anymore! 

South Africa vs Sweden

Queue system;
Everyone that has been to Sweden knows that we love queue systems, and often with the number system, take a note, get a number and wait for your turn. At the bank, at the pharmacy, at the meat ordering in the supermarket, at the post office. And even if you don't have the numbers there are always queues and you won't try to get in front of anyone and you will wait. But not for long. After a certain time you will start to look at the time, move around a little bit, look what's going on in the front. If you are in the supermarket you will start to look if any of the other queues are shorter. And if someone open up a new queue you will be SO ready to get there first.

The patience is not the highest in the world, I can tell you. Things are supposed to go fast. And if they don't, people will get really irritated and stressed. Imagine someone in front of you have a problem with his credit card, so it takes forever for him to be done so it can get to be your turn to pay. In Sweden, you won't feel sorry for the person, you will get irritated, like if it's his fault that his card doesn't work at the moment. The only thing in your head is that YOU wanna get done, go home. That's also one thing, most of the times you're not even in a rush, you are probably just on your way home from work. There is no reason to actually stress. But we do it anyway. It's so Swedish I think. I try to not be like that. I really do. It's such a stupid habit and it just gets you in a bad mood, for no reason at all.

Let me give some examples of how it can work in South Africa. This is from my own experiences;

Supermarkets: 
The queue is kind of long. The person before you is gonna pay. He put up the food and the cashier is working, but never fast. She will take her time. And also, the space to put the food on is so small. And there are no rolling bands that will get the food to her faster. No, she has to lean over and reach all the stuff. On the other side, there is not a lot space either. So if you did shop a lot the person who is packing your stuff has to work fast. But she won't. Yes, there is always a person who pack your stuff. If it isn't, the cashier will do it for you. So, she has to do all of that and also get you to pay. This is taking a while. Probably the double time as in Sweden. And there is not space for two costumers groceries so the cashier can't really help the person after, until the first persons stuff are packed down. I tell you. This can sometimes be very irritating, like if your in a real rush. But most of the times you're not, as I said before. So, what to stress about? Nothing. Actually nothing. Talk to the cashier? Or just relax, look at people, think about something nice, listen to music. I don't know. Just something. Because you can't do anything about it anyway!

Home Affairs: 
I went to Home Affairs to sort out my visa. I was there to just collect my papers. So I went to the room for that. I had number 14. The guy behind me had number 12. When we had been waiting for about 45 minutes some guys came and sat down. About four of them. Ten minutes later a security guard came and said "ok, I need four people... " 
I waited for him to say numbers. We all had number. So how hard could it be to just count from 1 and up and see who was next. No no, he just said again, with an irritated voice: "I need four people". 
So, the four guys that just arrived stood up and walked with him, before me and the guy with number 12 even reacted. After one minute they came back, some of them. Don't ask me why.
My friend Janilla came and sat with me and we talked about this phenomena in swedish. After a while a lady came in and she was angry! Haha, she screamed: "WHO has the lowest number??????!!!"
We tried to say that we had that, number 12 and 14. It was our turn. Finally we got to the queue. But it took a while to make her believe that I had that low number 14. I soon understood why. In front of me in the queue I saw 23, 25, 19 etc... So I just had to say something so me, swedish, stressed, irritated just said out loud: "ok, well, I guess people can't count from 1-20.. obviously, cause I have 14 and yeah, people with 25 are far a head of me. Must be hard to just follow numbers" The guy behind me, that I knew was american, was saying, in a funny way "well, this is not sweden".... (he told me ha had been to sweden for studies so he heard me and janilla talk in swedish earlier) He really understood me, but also said "maybe this isn't that bad. In Sweden people just stress about everything instead, I don't know what's worst"

It's so true. This would not happens in Sweden. BUT, in Sweden it's the opposite. You would stand in a queue for hours, just to be sure you will get there when it's your turn. Even if there are numbers, you don't really sit down. You will stand there and wait! (not everywhere, but it does happened). And if there aren't numbers, oh gosh, you will be surrounded by irritated, stressed, sighs and grumpy people. They would all think "I need to get there NOW, I don't have time for this." YOU WIL ALWAYS HAVE TIME!? YOU JUST GONNA BE LATE FOR THE NEXT THING!!! It's not the end of the world... Try to not think about it, try not put yourself in that negative place. You will feel so much better.

And I will say, I prefer the african way, most of the times. I never really get stressed here. This morning I missed my train. So the next train was in 30 minutes. rich meant I would be late for work, 30 minutes late. But what to do. So I just sat down, sent a message to my boss, watched people, listened to music and relaxed. If it was in sweden I would have to call the work, be SO SO SO sorry about it (probably make up a lie to have a REAL reason to be late) and then feel stressed all the way to work. I never run anywhere, I never drive crazy cause I'm late. I never think about it more then a second. Because I can't do anything about it.

Of course there is always a line, for what's ok. But I just say. MOST of the times, to not have to think about time, is a good thing. What you can't do today, you can do tomorrow, or the day after.

Who's that girl?

Me and Hanna started to talk about girls and "typical" girls. I always wonder how any guy get stuck with me. Don't they want a girl? Maybe not. Hanna said "I think you're a good catch"
But she continued with: 

- "But maybe i only picture the girls wrong, and we ARE actually like those girls. Without knowing it. Deep thoughts"

I said straight without any doubts: 

- "hahah. I'm sure I'm not actually,

in many ways"

Why I'm not a "girl" (seen from mine and Hannas eyes): 

* I don't wear high heels. Ever.
* I hardly use make up
* I don't like to dress up
* I don't really care if I use the same clothes 2 days in a row (or more)
* And I actually like to eat, and don't try to hide it.
* I am funny and loud, and don't care if I take space (sometimes, I'm not annoying loud!)
* I don't even have an iron at home. Never had.
* I hate to talk about feelings
* I hate to talk in the phone
* I could never stand in the bar and try to get a stranger to buy a drink for me
* If I am making myself ready for a night out, it takes me about 30 minutes (including shower, clothes, hair whatever)
* I rather watch a football game than go for a dinner at a restaurants

ACTUALLY it's more about how I act around people. Not what I think about some stuff or how much I care about how I look or something like that. I'm just not that girl who runs to the toilet to check my hair, or the one who complains around people that I became fat (just to get someone say no you are noooot) and Im also are more like a guy when it comes to what I like to do. Like drinking beer, watch sports and fool around and being silly.


Well, as Matilda says:
- "this sounds more like a description of Tania, not of a "non-girly" person"

Well. yeah. I guess that's true. Also. But I just refuse to be one of those girls... That's it! :) I think I have more important things to think about and focus about in life than what I wear or how sexy I look and also, I don't want anyone to like me for something like that. I want them to like me for my personality. How cliché it may sound, it's true! (ok, it's nice if you think I'm pretty or look good, of course, but it's not that important)

This is just what I need

To wake up in the morning, look out, and it's sunshine and warm weather. To put on the flip flops, because shoes would be too warm. To sit outside at a café and having breakfast. To wearing shorts all the time. To NEED sun glasses. To sweating more than freezing. To don't remember the smell of snow and cold weather.

I'm happy here.

I have something to write about later. But it's too busy here at the café so you will all have to wait.

Just like that.

I just wanna say that I appreciate You a lot. I am happy around You. I'm proud of having You as my friends and I will not let You go!  

Peter
Amira
Wesley
Moses
Jake
David
Ruschka
Gee

And for you people in Sweden. You know it! Much love to you too!

Good night

TIRED I TOLD YOU. time for some beauty sleep now. (a beauty that's sleeping)

How silly is it, that this is the first night I sleep in my new room. I moved here a week ago. That's what happens when I get silly. But I kinda like silly nowadays... Sleeping alone is not that nice anymore. I really used to like that. I was used to it. Have my whole bed for myself. But now... I start to change that feeling in me again. Good? I think so. But commitments ARE still fucking scary

It's a big change to write in english. It will be harder to explain some things and especially feelings. But I will try. English was my worst subject in school. Languages wasn't my thing. I was a maths and physics and chemistry person. And sports of course. Football nerd.  I miss playing football! Next week we start with the indoor 5-a-side again. Can't wait. My ass needs some exercise :)

Ok, enough of this talking about nothing. TIME TO SLEEP!

More tired then the most tired..

My brain is inside out today. I feel like I'm awake sleeping.

I miss writing blogposts with meanings. Not just about my days, what I do and so on. (even if I know you people back home in sweden and other parts of europe wanna get updated about what I'm doing here).
I actually miss writing about my feelings and mind fucks. I was so much more open before. Some people would find it strange that I wanna share stuff like that with so many people. But i don't mind. I've never been afraid of sharing my feelings. I think it's good if people know how I feel, what state of mind I'm in. Much easier to know how to approach me when meeting me next time.
BUT, I SUCK to talk about it. Writing is easy. The words are coming out of my head in the right way. Whenever I try to talk about stuff tho, I always end up crying or laughing or making a joke about it or just stop talking. Can't explain it, I often end up saying "I'm fine, whatever".
There isn't a lot of people (family, friends, boyfriends) that I've told "I love you". They are very few. Not because I do or didn't love them, only because I can't SAY some stuff out loud. They are stuck in my head. I'm a thinker. An analyzer. But I'm not a talker.
People that are close to me, and been for a while, they know this and they learned how to live with that and they've accepted me for it. I love them for that! Cause, yeah, people can change, but not in every ways. This is a part of me. People say I have to LEARN to talk about stuff. But do I ? It's 2013 and the world is full of ways to communicate. Isn't it more important TO communicate than HOW to communicate? Why is an email or sms or facebook message that bad? I think a phone call is the worst. You hear the voice but you don't see the face. You have no feeling of if the person is telling the truth or not. If you write, it's only your lack of writing that can make it sound wrong. So, if you're not a "writer" don't tell stuff that way, talk instead. And for me, that's not a talker, I write. If I talk, there is a big chance that it ends up angry or too upset. Because I can't find the words.
Ok, I'm not stupid. There are some "rules" for this, of course. I should never brake up with a boyfriend via sms and I shouldn't tell about someone passing away over an email. But you get me, what I'm trying to say, right? Why is YOUR way the right way? Maybe mine is as right as yours?

So, thanks to all my friends out there that got me, that know me, that let me be like this. I need it. And maybe I should start writing here again, more personally? So that you understand me better again!

And, yes, my english is not the best. But it is not my first language. Not even my second language. It's just a language I learned in school. And now I try to communicate with it. A "Well done" to myself!

Tired!

I'm so tired!

Just wanted to say that.

I have nothing to write really.

Hm, what about you asking me some stuff? AAAAAAAAAALL of my followers  ;)

My favorite pics from an orphanage in Khayelitsha.

Gee. The best Gee!  

The Quiz

You look nice alright
And I like the way you nod after everything I say
Like it actually means something
To you

And I like your record collection
Townes and Jens with a hint of Rickie Lee
And you've cleaned up the bathroom, made a really nice soup
But a bit too much sci-fi in your shelf with DVD's

There are things you need to know about me
I'm weak right now, so weak right now
I need proof before I dare to open this heart
So I prepared a quiz for you

Would you freak out if I said I liked you?
Do you walk the line
Is your IQ higher than your neighbour's
And is it very much higher than mine

Can you sleep when I grind my teeth
Do you look away if I slob when I eat
Will you let me be myself
Can you at all times wear socks, because I'm still scared of feet

And if I'd fall, would you pick me up
And if I'd fall, would you pick me up

Do you talk in the middle of Seinfeld
Do you read more than two books a month
Do you get racist or sexist when you've had a few
Is it fine if I make more money than you

Have you slept with any people I work with
Is there anyone you’d rather wish I'd be
Do you still keep pictures of old girlfriends
Are they prettier than me

And if I'd fall, would you pick me up
If I'd fall, would you pick me up

Talk

People will always talk. That's how it is. I chose to not listen this time. I follow my guts and I have a feeling I shouldnt throw this away because of roumors.

Working from home. Calculating, planning next weeks happenings for the volunteers. Answering emails.
SHOULD go to home affairs, but I don't want to :)


Tonight I just wanna be close. Need that.

Sickness is still around

SO tired of beeing sick. Can't eat. I love food, you know that, right? I'm tired all the time. Bla bla bla. I shouldn't complain. Life is really good to me in all the other ways.

So, my plan is to stay here till June, go home 3 months and work and then go back here in September. Back home to see friends and family and work to get some more money.

And yeah, I just moved to town, to Bo Kaap. 5 min walk to the centre. BEUTIFUL view. 10 min walk to the train and then 15 min train to work. Will be great I think.

It's a lot at work right now. Big steps. Big things coming up that HAS to be perfect. We need some big changes and I hope it will work out.

And hey, you know what? Finally I said what I'm thinking, I asked, instead of analyze it myself. Straight answers and not complicated at all. I'm learning!

Waiting

Waiting for my appointment at the doctor, hope to get well soon. I'll give u some pictures from the last weeks, from my phone, so they are not too great... But still pictures :)

Sick

Dålig mage och kramper i magen i tre dygn nu. Doktorn i morrn. Hoppas på att det inte är salmonella. Hatar att vara sjuk. Tur jag har sällskap. Ett bra sådant dessutom, som jag börjar tycka mer och mer om :)

Mensvärk från helvetet

Svettas, dålig i magen, ont som FAN i magen. Menshelvetet har slagit till mer än någonsin förut. Tror jag slarvat lite med p-pillrena så mina hormoner har fått spelet nu. Eller så har jag ätit något konstigt, och det här kom av en slump i samband med mensen. Har sovit två timmar inatt ungefär. Seg.

Nu ska jag flytta till stan, centrum, Cape TOWN. Spännande. Berättar mer senare.

Resumé?

Jag tänkte skriva någon slags resumé av 2012 ju. Men jag gör det kort tror jag.

2012 var året då jag;
hälsade på Nina över Nyår i Schweiz
tog körkort
åkte till Sydafrika för fjärde gången
var i Kroatien med Matilda och familjen
hälsade på Fizzo i Holland och Norge och insåg äntligen att han var NOLL
hade en sommarfling
var bostadslös i 3 månader
flyttade till Sydafrika
träffade någon jävligt bra
fick besök av pappa i Sydafrika
fått nya vänner för livet

2012 var ett väldigt bra år. Antagligen det år i hela mitt liv då jag mått som bäst. Antagligen för att jag följde mina drömmar och slutade må dåligt över saker jag inte kan rå över. Det är märkligt hur jag förvandlats till en så otroligt positiv person, från att ha varit bitter och ledsen för det mesta. Alla mina resor hit till Sydafrika har absolut förändrat mig mest av allt. Perspektiv på saker och ting. Fått vara mig själv. Inte haft kärlek och förhållanden i fokus, utan bara mig själv. Mått bra som singel. DET har jag behövt!

Nu ska jag försöka ignorera min mensvärk och åka och ta en öl med Hanna.