Back on track

Needed a week to go low. I need that sometimes. I just need to totally break down and feel shit and think a lot to actually get back on track again. I have always worked like that. The difference now is that I know I have to get out of it. I can't stay there. I need to really go through it all in my head and make sure I know why I'm low at the moment. Before I could stay in that place for months. Depressions. I'm pretty sure I had depressions, especially in winter time in Sweden. I could not see it then. But I'm pretty sure now. My way of thinking was not healthy and I thought I was exactly how I was supposed to be, but I was way too low and sad and emotional unstable.

I also know I have to find a better way to handle stress. I'm working on it. I never had a job before that stressed me as much as my job i SA does. I love the job, I do. But it stresses the hell out of me sometimes. I'm not used to work in such an unorganised environment. I'm not used to NOT know what I am supposed to do, and to make up my own plan. I am not used to a 9-5 job! It actually stresses me out much more than to have unregular work hours. In Sweden I've always worked days/evening/nights/weekends in a mix. I'm used to have some days off in the middle of the week, or to work in the weekend or start late in the afternoon. I've worked like that since I was 19. So it's a big change for me to wake up every day at 8 and always "only" have Saturday and Sunday off.

I have a feeling that it's gonna be great from now. I can see it in front of me. I have new ideas, new thoughts and am feeling positive. I am the only onw that can really change my own life. That's how it is. Had a long skype talk with Peter last night and I got it all out. I must say, it's still very hard for me to express myself in english, when it comes to things like this. I have it all in my head in swedish and then I have to translate it in english and when I'm done I don't even remember half of what I wanted to say. Very frustrating!

The life I've chosen.

People in Sweden and South Africa often ask me "How do you do it? Don't you miss family and friends? How do you and Peter handle long distance? Are you staying in SA forever?"

For over 6 years I've known South Africa suits me. I have tried to find a way of living there. Since 2 years the dream really started to come through and this week I got my work permit. Finally. It's for real now.

I'm not good with winter. Coldness and darkness always made me depressed. I didn't see it when I was in it. But when I look back at it, it's so obvious.

But. Just because I chose this and just because it's a dream coming through it doesn't mean it's easy all the time. It's actually a every day struggle at the same time. All the questions I get make sense.

This summer I really feel it. I feel confused and lost. I feel stressed and scared. I felt for the first time "is this the right choice?" I got the work permit which means I'm "stuck" at that job. Can't change my mind. I also freak out a bit I guess because I realise how much Peter means to me. I do never wanna lose him. That is scary shit.

I do not feel "home" in Sweden as I do in Cape Town. But I do miss having family and close friends around. And work wise ... I need to make sure that my job in SA is becoming more developing for me, personally. I miss to work closer to children and to change people's life. I had way too much office hours in 2013/2014.

I guess it's impossible for anyone to understand that never tried this life, how it feels like. And I don't expect you to understand. But I do expect my friends to understand that I'm human and I do have bad days even if I'm very very happy about the life I've got. It does not help with "come on. Stop complaining. You got what you want. Chill. Be happy". That is very disrespectful. Right now I have lots on my head and it's stressing me out. But I will be fine!

Croatia

I've been VERY bad at updating.
I know. I'm in Croatia at the moment.
Back in Sweden on friday. I will try to write some more soon!