Life is so fragile

I did not want my next blogpost to be negative.
But I have been too busy to write during the good days.
Now I just really have to get something down here.

I have been through the hardest week of my life.
I never thought I would experience something like this.
I knew I took a risk when I got into this. But you know, it's always like that, "it will not happen to me".. But it did. And at the moment I am just truly sad. Sadness never been bigger in me I think.
I want to hope and believe and trust.

We will see. He is strong. And apparently I am too... Stronger than I ever thought I would be. I would not have been able to handle this 3 years ago. Not at all. I have learned so much about myself the last years, it's crazy. And such a good feeling. Someone said that love is not enough. And it is true. So let's see if the other parts will catch up with the love. I really deeply hope so.

The best job in the world

I have said it before. But I DO have the best job in the world.
I had to say goodbye to the kids today. About 10 boys around 15-17 years old that I have been working with all summer. I have spent more time with them than with anyone else the last 3 months. They have become my family. We have laughed, cried, fought, screamed, played, talked and just learned from each other.

They came to Sweden from another side of the world. Over mountains, through snow, through fire and war, crossing open oceans. They have seen things that I will never even gonna be able to imagine. And still they are the most humble, sweet, nice and caring people. They are teenagers, so no, they are not always nice, polite, calm. No teenager is. BUT they have something that not every teenager has. They have a mission, a vision of survival. They had to leave family and friends behind. To survive. To not die. To not grow up oppressed and treated like animals. This gives them an aura and a strength that not everyone has or ever will have.

THANK YOU for letting me be a part of your life. To let me listen to you, to let me be a friend.

I love you and I will miss you every day. INSHALLAH, I see you in June and by then all of you have got an "yes" and can stay in Sweden. Nothing else can be fair. But I know, the world is not fair. And I really hate that fact. But I feel it in my heart, that our time together isn't over yet.

So, I see you in June!

Time is irrelevant

Time is a weird thing.
Some things feels like they happened a few weeks ago, but it was actually years ago.
Some things feels like it was a lifetime ago, but it was just a few months ago.

I know that I am soon turning 32. But what does that mean, 32 years?
I just know that I appreciate getting older.
I do never wanna be 20-25 again. Confusing years.
I would not mind being 11 forever though.

Still learning. So much. THAT never gets old. No one knows everything. I believe that even when you are 75 you feel confused sometimes. "What do I want and need?" might never be answered.

And that is ok.

I know one thing only; I want to live NOW and appreciate today and tomorrow. I do not live my life to plan what to do when I am 60. That shit is just stressing and depressing, because you will change your mind so many times on the way anyway.

I do not plan my life more than 6-12 months ahead. And I am glad, because it never ended up the way I thought it would anyway. I love it. The unknowing.

I have no idea what this blog post is about. I am just awake, can not sleep, and think a bit too much.

I miss Cape Town, and can not wait to go. But as every year, I feel a bit scared. And I do always think "do I wanna live in Sweden?". Do I ? No. I do not think so. So for the next 9 months I will be in Cape Town and then another 3 months in Sweden. After that, who knows! Max 12 months planning...

Sverige

So I am soon done with another summer back home in Sweden.
All years are actually very different from each other, and I like that.
I like that I still feel like I learn something new every year and feel like I am developing and expanding this side of me. I do not go home for holiday. I work as much, or even more, when I am here. My job in South Africa is still there, almost every day. Emails, contacts with my co worker, meeting students and volunteers that will come to South Africa later, marketing, social media, planning for the next semester. There is not one single day where I do not think about that job. But main focus is still on my job in Sweden, the days I am at work. Even other days too, in the way that the refugee situation in Europe is something that is and always will be a part of who I am. It's been 8 years since I first had my internship at a home for refugee youngsters in my hometown. And I loved it from day one. And I stil say; it's the best job in the world! All the different cultures, religions, ethnical backgrounds, food, music etc. All the conversations and sometimes quite hectic arguments. I love it all. The whole "package".

Last year with my visits to Hungary, Serbia and Greece to help at the borders is a year that I will never forget. It has changed who I am. It has changed my view of people and made me realise so much about myself and also about politics, and how human rights seems to mean less and less in this world. But at the same time as I've seen so much tragedy and coldness I have never felt so much love. It's a weird feeling and I feel that a lot in South Africa too. The people that comes from the worst surroundings and the most terrible life stories, are almost always the most loving and caring.

But being a refugee, running away from home. That desperation that makes you to take the decision to put yourself and your children in a small boat over open ocean, or over mountains in snow and minus degrees, or to lay under a truck or inside a truck that maybe never opens again and you will die.. That is something that I can not even try to explain. To see that look in some of those peoples eyes.. I have a hard time watching anything on tv about this. I cry basically every time. If I close my eyes I am there again, on that field in Rözke in september 2015, hell on earth.

It is still hard to understand that a child that has seen fear, war and death can smile and play and love.
If children could run the world, we maybe would have a chance to survive on this planet.

But, it's time to go back now. To go back home. Because even if I love my job here in Sweden, Cape Town is home. That's where I feel like me. That's where I feel calmness and warmth. I can not really seem to find a way to fit in or really enjoy the every day life in Sweden. I have not in a very long time.

I am excited for the year that is coming up. Lots or work. But in a good way. I am so glad that CJ asked me to join African Sunrise in February! I do not even wanna think of where I would have been today if she didn't.

I am stressing a lot over my visa. It's a long and slow process. I remember from last time. And I know it will be harder this time. Since 2014 it's just more complicated. If I am lucky I have my visa by Jan next year. Until then, everything is a bit unclear. And I hate that. To just wait and to not know. And it's worse when you are in another country where you do not know bureaucracy enough. It is basically the same as in Sweden, but when you read files and papers and directions in a language you don't know 100% it is easy to get confused and stressed.

But, I am not a refugee, I am not in NEED of this visa. I just want it. And this is what I keep in mind. The worst thing thatcould happen is that I would have to go back to Sweden. And that is not a danger for my life or my human rights. So I am very aware of that there are kids in Sweden that ran away from terrible things in Eritrea, Afghanistan, Somalia, Syria etc. that has been waiting 8 months just to get to their first interview at the migrations office. And after that months or maybe years will follow with the process of the asylum application.

So in the end; I will be ok. And I am trying every day to not take that privilege for granted.

Cape Town; See you in 10 days!

A month later

It's been a good month. Ever since I decided to actually deal with reality and face my fears it all has started to feel so much better. I knew this day would come, when it all slipped away and became my new life. It took 1,5 year to get here. But I knew there is no way to rush it. It has to take time sometimes. And it did. And it helped.

I feel like I am really in a big new chapter of my life. I have started a new job, I feel home in Cape Town again, I have chosen the friends I wanted to keep and I have slowly started to open up my mind about the idea of me in a relationship again. I feel alive again. The numbness that I felt for so many months is slowly fading away.

I do not regret many things in life, everything happens for a reason and wherever I end up every little thing on the way has been part of me getting there. Nothing is pointless. Everything leads to the next thing in life.

I have 2 more months in CT before I do 3 months in Sweden again. I feel, as always, very confused about it but I need to go to Sweden for several reasons. Friends, family, kids at work, money. There we go. One day I might just stay in CT 12 months a year and just go home for short vacation in summer. But for now, this is the way I need to do it. I do not complain. Sweden is a good place to charge the batteries at. I love Cape Town but it is sometimes energy draining somehow.

I said I was gonna update here more, but we will see about that. Every time I feel like writing I will. But no pressure. I am writing for ME mostly, then YOU can all get a touch of where I am in life...

Have a GREAT sunday all.

Separation Anxiety

I have come to an end of this emotional train. I needed to go to Sweden for 7 months, come back, and crash again, to realise this. I got told in 2009 that I probably suffer from separation anxiety. I agreed. Then I forgot about it.

Started to travel to South Africa. Started a job in Sweden that I loved and got new friends. So I forgot about it. I wanted to just feel ok. And I did. Until reality came back.

I just need to find a way to feel calm again, or not again... I think I never felt calm. It has always been a storm and a roller coaster. Life.

I need to work on my self esteem, my separation anxiety, my fear of losing people. My self awareness has to come back. I had it for a while. Then I drowned in love. Love for a guy but also love for a new country. I forgot about myself because everything was fun and easy. Until it got hard again.

I'm not sure what's real anymore but I am trying to figure it out.

Progress started.



Vi kan prata i timmar om sånt vi tror vi saknar
och om hur staden och vardagslivet till slut stal all vår ungdom och all vår kärlek
Men vi var inte menade att slåss vi var menade att älska
och jag hatar mig själv när jag hör mig gnälla på dig för nån skitsak

Men inget av det här betyder nått
Det är bara ord som gått vilse i allt det svarta och kommit emellan oss

Tvåsamhet är ondskan och singelliv det dödar vi bygger murar
Runt våra hjärtan för att hålla det tryggt men jag vill inte vara trygg
Jag vill ju brinna och sånt och minnas hur vacker du är
och varför jag en gång föll så hårt och handlöst för dig

Men inget av det här betyder nått
Det är bara ord som gått vilse i allt det svarta och kommit emellan oss

Landed in the mother city!

So, I am back home. And at the same time I miss home. This will never really be a normal feeling. I am used to it, but it's kinda hard every time. It's been eight years since I started this journey. And I am not done with it yet. Only time can tell me what to do or not.

At least I love the sun, ocean, cheap drinks and awesome food. Always.

Will try do some more updates here sooner than later!