Open but closed

I know this is gonna kill me inside, slowly. I am gonna close up. No one will get close to me, in a LONG while. Maybe never. I'm not sure at all.

It took me about 3.5 year last time after I got heart broken and it was not like this. It was something I wanted, I needed to end it. It still hurt a lot. But I knew it was the only way. This time, I do NOT think it's the only way. I still think we could have fixed it, I really think we only needed more communication, more understanding and more willingness of letting the other person explain. That's why it sucks so much and I have no idea how to get over it, or how to ever wanna open up for anyone again. I refuse to think that he doesn't miss me anymore or that he NEVER think about it. I know he loves me somehow. He knows that I know. But he is better at pushing everything away and just pretend and move on. Good for him. For now.

I should also had known. I was his first serious relationship. Not in a while. FOREVER! I knew. But I didn't wanna think about it. I wanted to think that feelings and love and attraction and the way we had so much fun, was gonna fix it. I should have seen this coming.

2,5 year ago I ordered papers and information about how to adopt a child as a single woman. I was serious about it. I do not even feel like Im sure I want kids. If I get pregnant, that's what it is. I love children, over everything on this fucked up planet. But I do not need my own. I could easily run an orphanage and then I have all the children I need in my life. The thing about having "My own" children is only a selfish thing. Why would it matter if it's my blood or not? It's a child! And there are som many children that needs a grown up in their life. Why make new babies then?

I have no idea what I'm trying to say here and I'm seriously thinking of starting to write in swedish again so that I can really express what I'm actually trying to say here.

I do not blame myself for all of this. BUT I am struggling hard with some of my issues and I am actually scared that I will never get over these issues. It's freaking me out and closes me up even more.

Well. I am ok. I'm not dead. I am not alone. I am not bored. Life IS good otherwise.

BUT this sucks. Way too much for me to be able to smile and say "Im good" when someone's asking. My answer for the last 5 weeks has been "I'm ok...... "
That's how it is.