Step by step

It's been 2 months.
There has been some phases.

First phase: Sadness. A lot of crying. Unable to eat (lost 4 kg in 2 weeks). Big big whole inside of me. Was living like a robot; sleep, work, cry myself tired, sleep... Every day was just about to make sure I did not dig myself too deep down. Lot's of energy just to keep myself functional.

Second phase: Denial. Refused to understand. Refused to believe it was true. Tried to make him see we could still be good. Begged him to change his mind. All that stuff....

Third phase: Anger. A lot of anger. The worst phase. Said a lot of things I regret now. Pushed him further away then ever. Tried to convince myself that I do not want him at all. That it is all his fault and that he is an asshole, even if I know he isn't. I am glad this phase is over. And I hope he can forgive me for things I said and see that it wasn't "me"..

Fourth phase: This is where I am now. Starting to think a bit more rational. Understanding it was complicated. There were a lot of issues that we both started. And that the biggest problem was listening to and understanding each other. But also, I feel really sad again and I miss him in my life, a lot.

But I's also not sure what I want. Feelings are not always the same as what my brain tells me.
I just know I still love him. That's the only thing I can tell by now.
And I hate that we fucked it up when it did not have to happen.
It's too late now.

BUT, ok, I am not sad in general in life. I am ok. Life is fine. I love Cape Town and I appreciate my job and I feel like I'm getting some good routines in my life. I also feel like I got some friends back and found some new friends that is gonna be there forever.

I just miss him. That's it.