29 oktober 2014

Time

It's time now.
It has to be.
I need to move on.
I need to let go.
I HAVE to.

I do still Love him. I do still Miss him. A lot.

But, there is nothing that tells me that we could fix anything now. I just need to handle this somehow.

It's hard since he refuse to communicate. When I ask "do you ever miss me?" He answers; "life doesn't wait".  I mean, what am I supposed to do with answers like that? It's been like this since the day we broke up. No answers, no normal communication. Actually it's been a little like this for 2 years. We were never on the same level of what kind of communication and attention we needed from each other. That was the reason for all our problems, they build it up, slowly without us seeing it. Both of us wanted it to work. We loved each other. We just couldn't figure out how.

And it is SAD.

Sad is the only word I have for it.

But, it's time now. I can not use more of my energy on him. I need to focus on myself, my needs, my wants, my dreams, my life.

"It seems like I left my heart outside your door" 

22 oktober 2014

Step by step

It's been 2 months.
There has been some phases.

First phase: Sadness. A lot of crying. Unable to eat (lost 4 kg in 2 weeks). Big big whole inside of me. Was living like a robot; sleep, work, cry myself tired, sleep... Every day was just about to make sure I did not dig myself too deep down. Lot's of energy just to keep myself functional.

Second phase: Denial. Refused to understand. Refused to believe it was true. Tried to make him see we could still be good. Begged him to change his mind. All that stuff....

Third phase: Anger. A lot of anger. The worst phase. Said a lot of things I regret now. Pushed him further away then ever. Tried to convince myself that I do not want him at all. That it is all his fault and that he is an asshole, even if I know he isn't. I am glad this phase is over. And I hope he can forgive me for things I said and see that it wasn't "me"..

Fourth phase: This is where I am now. Starting to think a bit more rational. Understanding it was complicated. There were a lot of issues that we both started. And that the biggest problem was listening to and understanding each other. But also, I feel really sad again and I miss him in my life, a lot.

But I's also not sure what I want. Feelings are not always the same as what my brain tells me.
I just know I still love him. That's the only thing I can tell by now.
And I hate that we fucked it up when it did not have to happen.
It's too late now.

BUT, ok, I am not sad in general in life. I am ok. Life is fine. I love Cape Town and I appreciate my job and I feel like I'm getting some good routines in my life. I also feel like I got some friends back and found some new friends that is gonna be there forever.

I just miss him. That's it.

6 oktober 2014

I'm wondering

... do you even miss me anymore. Is it weird for you to see me around? Would you be jelous if you saw me with another man? Do you think of me every day?
Cause I do.
I'm just wondering.. Do you miss me?
Or am I just that ex now?

Just wondering. But I won't ask. I'm scared I wont like the answer.

I miss you. I miss us. I miss it.