30 september 2013

I have so much to say but nothing to write

I've lost it. The feeling of writing about stuff. I don't know why.

I actually respect my private life much more today than I did before. I don't feel like I need or should share it with too many people. Probably because my life is fucking great and I don't need to prove something. I KNOW it is great. And I don't care anymore if other people wouldn't think so.

With this said; I should take care of what I have, a little bit better. If I loose this life I will hate myself for a long time. I have so great people around me, it's almost silly. The best man I have ever met is my boyfriend, his friends are awesome, my co workers are also my little SA family, everyone in my life is great actually. I picked them with love and I know they all love me back.

I always felt weird, left outside, like I didn't fit in. Because in Sweden you need to fit in... that's the simple answer to why life s easier here; you can always be yourself, you don't have to fit in. That's such a nice thing.

So, I will see how this blog is gonna work out... I'm not sure. I don't even take a lot of pictures anymore and if I do I just put them up at instagram or facebook. And also, it is like 20 people that reads this blog... It's not very exciting. When I was a whining emo girl I had about 150 readers at least, some days. (I guess it's more fun to read about peoples problems and sadness than about a happy person that lives a fucking nice life)


Good night.

Never again

Apologise. Learn from your mistakes. Move on.

I will try this now.

So sorry.

----------------

Today it's SUMMER outside. Finally.

27 september 2013

The thing..

The thing about having an AMAZING boyfriend is that a lot of other girls also think he is awesome. I don't like competition :)

Just one of those days

I hate days like this. I know as soon as I wake up that it's gonna be a day like this. I worry about everything, I feel like I'm gonna loose people. I feel like I scare people away. I feel like I'm trapped in myself and my thoughts. I feel like I don't deserve anything or anyone. It's like someone is telling me "yepp, you know these people gonna get tired of you, just prepare for it" .

And I just wanna be self-destructive and run away from everyone before THEY actually are leaving me.

And I can't talk about it to anyone because I just sound weird. And I scare them away even more.

At the same time I want people to know.

I'M WAY TOO WEIRD !

I know tomorrow is gonna be better tho.

19 september 2013

Kärlek.

Ni två är just bilden av vad sydafrika borde vara (the two of you is what the picture of South Africa should be)
ååååh. vad söt du är då (oh, you are so sweet)
Inte så söt men glad när människor får uttrycka sin kärlek och leva sina liv utifrån sina tankar (not that sweet but it makes me happy when people can show their love and live their lives after their thoughts)

16 september 2013

Just like that

I just wanna say how damn lucky I am.

This year is gonna be busy, hectic, stressful but LOVELY.

I have nothing to write about. Later..

12 september 2013

2 weeks

Been here 2 weeks now. Feels like I never left if I'm honest. I feel so much more comfortable now though. I feel some kind of calmness inside of me. I've been looking for that feeling a long time. I know the biggest reason is because I know I can stay here for as long as I want now. And I've found a place to stay where I know I'm gonna feel like home. I share a big flat with Janilla. Just the two of us. I have a big bed, my own balcony and I'm 10 minutes from town and 5 minutes from work. Perfect balance. I also found a soccer team to play with and another big reason; I feel 100% good with Peter now.

I needed those 3 months away to build up my trust to him and to see if he really cares about me. Issues in my head you know.. I can still find myself pretending in my head how it would feel like if he would cheat on me. Stupid fucking head of mine! Normally it starts with a dream that gets me in a bad mood and then I start to think more and more about it. It eats me up. But I've learned to get it to stop quicker and to not really let it get to me to much. But sometimes it's still hard. I'm not sure I could handle something like that again. I've had enough. It's my turn now, to actually be with someone nice. Yepp. And I really think he is. I just have to convince my brain and heart that too.

Tomorrow another volunteer arrives. Exciting. It's gonna be a lot of work this year. Our business is growing for sure. I never been doing something like this before and it's really cool to do something where I feel like I learn something new almost every day. But I must admit. I miss the kids. The kids back home and also the kids here. I need to go to some of the projects soon and hang out with them. Do something. I need some energy. That kind of energy that only kids can give you!

Time to sleep. It's a long day tomorrow!

10 september 2013

COLD

Yepp, it is cold. And yepp, it is colder in Sweden during swedish winter. But the difference is that in Sweden you will always come inside and it will be warm. Then coldness is ok, if you know you will get away from it as soon as you are inside. Last night I slept in tights, a top, under a blanket + a big warm sleeping bag. That's how cold it was. I can't wait for summer to hit this town.

Meeting time in the office. Lot's to plan and discuss..

Over and out.

6 september 2013

Pictures

My new place 
Cape Town

Ruschka outside the office

On the "mini Bus roof"

Our new sign! 

Just us. Normal as always.

5 september 2013

This thing called self esteem

I always had a problem doing things I feel like I'm not good at or stuff I don't feel comfortable with. Like when I took my driver license. That was a night mare. But I had to do it. But there are things I don't HAVE to do. But when I'm in situations where I feel like I "should" do it anyway, just to please someone else, I always end up acting weird. Rude, or angry or just annoying. I should stop this. I should just relax. I'm not very charming when I end up in these situations.

I should be very glad that Peter is an awesome person that can handle this.

3 september 2013

No more complaining

Was walking down Long Street. Brought some small money and thought I was gonna go buy some food for some of the street kids if I met them. Saw one of the guys sitting alone. Went up to him and we talked. I asked him how he was and he said he was all good, just one problem.. 
"what is the problem?" I asked. 
"I really need to cut my hair..." 
He told me he had to run to do some business (business I don't wanna know about I guess) and when he came back I just said; "hey, let's go cut your hair, so that you can be problem free for one day, ok?" 

Said and done.

I'm just thinking. How come that cutting your hair can be your biggest problem when you are living on the streets? Well, maybe what WE think are problems are just normal and a part of life for these kids. Nothing to complain about. Just live with it.

I also think I should stop complaining about some stuff. Like the weather. Or that I'm having a cold. It's gonna be summer soon. And the cold is gonna go away sooner or later.