28 december 2014

What are you hiding from?

Last month had been weirder than any other month.

You confuse me so much.

Life confuses me so much.

I need to get my shit together and get motivated and happy again.

2015. Bring it on!

- I still love you more than anything

15 december 2014

Five steps back

You know when you feel like you are progressing. You are moving forward. It all feels a little bit easier and better. The days are a bit lighter. Life feels a bit more happy again.

Then.... Then some shit happens and you are taking five steps back and it's all a fucking mess again. Your head can only think about one thing, your tears are coming way too easy again, the nights are full of shitty dreams and you lost your apetite and you don't feel like you can laugh.

I am very very TIRED of this.
I have never, ever, before experienced anything like this. I have been dealing with some shit before. But this is different. I am sad. Truly sad.

It's tiring. I am tired.

27 november 2014

Every FUCKING morning.

Every morning I wake up with a terrible feeling inside. My brain goes nuts from dreams I have all night. I think of him EVERY morning, the first thing, when I wake up. It's fucked up. HOW can someone be so special to anyone else? How can I not be special to him anymore? HOW the hell do I get over this shit? I just wanna disappear. I'm too tired. Tired of this. And he wont understand. He never will. He is fucking ice cold and mad and angry and tired of me. It hurts. He wont give me time. He wont have time for me anymore. He doesnt care. He just lives on, moves on. I even guess he is with other girls already, having fun, while I cant even talk to another guy without being irritated if he even tries to flirt with me. I can not even think about being with someone else yet. It makes me feel sick. I do not want anyone else to touch me. Never.

I AM FUCKED UP.

OR.

I LOVE HIM.

And it sucks. He is not worth my energy. Really not. I know that deep inside. But I do feel what I do feel. And he just moves on, without me. I hate this.

Tired of crying. Tired of lost apetite. Tired of killing my brain with alcohol. TIRED.

26 november 2014

Hittar inte orden längre

Jag måste skriva på svenska. Orden faller inte på plats på engelska. Inte när det handlar om det här. Jag letar efter ord, efter fraser, efter känslor. Jag hittar dom knappt på svenska, så på engelska är det i stort sett omöjligt.

Det har gått tre månader nu. Egentligen fyra sedan jag började förstå att något var fel på riktigt. Men tre månader sedan jag fick allt bekräftat.

Det gör fortfarande så sjukt jävla ont. Antagligen för att vi råkade umgås igen förra veckan. Sjukt dumt och väckte bara en massa känslor till liv igen. Känns som jag tagit 4 steg tillbaka i hela processen av att gå vidare.

Jag vet att jag måste gå vidare, släppa taget, bryta kontakten helt. Men jag är så orehört dålig på det. Seperationsångest.

Jag saknar honom varje dag. Varje morgon tänker jag på oss. Nästan varj kväll tänker jag på oss. Flera gången om dagen blir jag påmind om att han inte är en del av mitt liv längre. Det är så jävla jobbigt. Jag vet inte hur man kommer ifrån det. Ingen aning.

Jag är arg för att han inte vill. För att han gav upp. För att han inte ville se saker på ett annat vis. För jag vet att vi älskar varandra. Det finns fortfarande där. Han vet det. Jag vet det. Men det fungerade bara inte. Men... I mitt huvud så löser man saker, man reder upp, man försöker. Jag vet att det inte alltid fungerar så och möjligtvis så hade vi aldrig rett ut vissa av våra problem.

Kanske är det för att jag är van vid problem som har med svek att göra. Att bli sårad. Saker som man absolut inte kan lösa. Nu känns det som att vi gav upp kärlek som jag aldrig kännt förut. Respekt. Jag respekterade honom så mycket. Fortfarande när jag ser honom så blir jag varm och glad pga den personen han är. Han är så jävla konstig och märklig men på ett sätt som gör mig glad. Jag kunde vara mitt konstiga jag med honom, mitt riktiga jag.

Jag saknar det. Jag saknar honom. Varje dag.
Jag önskar att det bara kunde gå över. NU.

14 november 2014

Dreams

For many years I have been struggling with dreams. I often dream "real" things. I woke up and don't know if it happened or not. And the feeling lasts for half the day, sometimes longer. It really affects my mood. Last night I slept like 4 hours because of a mosquito in my room. Then I dreamt a lot, because I didn't sleep that deep. So I remember the dreams better.
Can I just tell you that this is a shitty day?
Well it's friday. That's something.

12 november 2014

Get one!


Love our clothing! Southern Ambition fucking rules. Get one! Now!

Work work work. But tonight drinks and talks. Still have a hard time being home alone. Too much time to think. I'm so glad for all the awesome friends I have in this town. It helps more than anything.

11 november 2014

Also...

I wanna let you know I am ok. Life is fine. I do a lot of fun things and I enjoy friends and work. I feel more alive than I did in a long time. It's true, the relationship was not perfect. We had issues. Issues we should have been dealing with but not really did. Things that took up a lot of energy and made me forget a bit of MYSELF... So, I think I found new energy in all this mess and sadness, weirdly enough. I found myself again I'd say. So, I guess something good always comes out of bad things too. But, there IS a piece missing, it is. But it's not killing me. It doesn't change the fact that I am where I wanna be, I'm doing what I wanna do and I feel all ok with being 30 :)

Just wanted to say that.  

10 november 2014

Bye

I had to say good bye to 2 people this weekend.
One because I love him too much to not have him as close as I want to.
The other one because I like him too much to not be close to him, but I am not ready for it.

I had too. It sucks but it's the only way.
I need to be strong, alone. That's it.

I will always miss him. he has no idea how much he meant to me and my life and what it is he is throwing away. No idea.

29 oktober 2014

Time

It's time now.
It has to be.
I need to move on.
I need to let go.
I HAVE to.

I do still Love him. I do still Miss him. A lot.

But, there is nothing that tells me that we could fix anything now. I just need to handle this somehow.

It's hard since he refuse to communicate. When I ask "do you ever miss me?" He answers; "life doesn't wait".  I mean, what am I supposed to do with answers like that? It's been like this since the day we broke up. No answers, no normal communication. Actually it's been a little like this for 2 years. We were never on the same level of what kind of communication and attention we needed from each other. That was the reason for all our problems, they build it up, slowly without us seeing it. Both of us wanted it to work. We loved each other. We just couldn't figure out how.

And it is SAD.

Sad is the only word I have for it.

But, it's time now. I can not use more of my energy on him. I need to focus on myself, my needs, my wants, my dreams, my life.

"It seems like I left my heart outside your door" 

22 oktober 2014

Step by step

It's been 2 months.
There has been some phases.

First phase: Sadness. A lot of crying. Unable to eat (lost 4 kg in 2 weeks). Big big whole inside of me. Was living like a robot; sleep, work, cry myself tired, sleep... Every day was just about to make sure I did not dig myself too deep down. Lot's of energy just to keep myself functional.

Second phase: Denial. Refused to understand. Refused to believe it was true. Tried to make him see we could still be good. Begged him to change his mind. All that stuff....

Third phase: Anger. A lot of anger. The worst phase. Said a lot of things I regret now. Pushed him further away then ever. Tried to convince myself that I do not want him at all. That it is all his fault and that he is an asshole, even if I know he isn't. I am glad this phase is over. And I hope he can forgive me for things I said and see that it wasn't "me"..

Fourth phase: This is where I am now. Starting to think a bit more rational. Understanding it was complicated. There were a lot of issues that we both started. And that the biggest problem was listening to and understanding each other. But also, I feel really sad again and I miss him in my life, a lot.

But I's also not sure what I want. Feelings are not always the same as what my brain tells me.
I just know I still love him. That's the only thing I can tell by now.
And I hate that we fucked it up when it did not have to happen.
It's too late now.

BUT, ok, I am not sad in general in life. I am ok. Life is fine. I love Cape Town and I appreciate my job and I feel like I'm getting some good routines in my life. I also feel like I got some friends back and found some new friends that is gonna be there forever.

I just miss him. That's it.

6 oktober 2014

I'm wondering

... do you even miss me anymore. Is it weird for you to see me around? Would you be jelous if you saw me with another man? Do you think of me every day?
Cause I do.
I'm just wondering.. Do you miss me?
Or am I just that ex now?

Just wondering. But I won't ask. I'm scared I wont like the answer.

I miss you. I miss us. I miss it.

29 september 2014

Open but closed

I know this is gonna kill me inside, slowly. I am gonna close up. No one will get close to me, in a LONG while. Maybe never. I'm not sure at all.

It took me about 3.5 year last time after I got heart broken and it was not like this. It was something I wanted, I needed to end it. It still hurt a lot. But I knew it was the only way. This time, I do NOT think it's the only way. I still think we could have fixed it, I really think we only needed more communication, more understanding and more willingness of letting the other person explain. That's why it sucks so much and I have no idea how to get over it, or how to ever wanna open up for anyone again. I refuse to think that he doesn't miss me anymore or that he NEVER think about it. I know he loves me somehow. He knows that I know. But he is better at pushing everything away and just pretend and move on. Good for him. For now.

I should also had known. I was his first serious relationship. Not in a while. FOREVER! I knew. But I didn't wanna think about it. I wanted to think that feelings and love and attraction and the way we had so much fun, was gonna fix it. I should have seen this coming.

2,5 year ago I ordered papers and information about how to adopt a child as a single woman. I was serious about it. I do not even feel like Im sure I want kids. If I get pregnant, that's what it is. I love children, over everything on this fucked up planet. But I do not need my own. I could easily run an orphanage and then I have all the children I need in my life. The thing about having "My own" children is only a selfish thing. Why would it matter if it's my blood or not? It's a child! And there are som many children that needs a grown up in their life. Why make new babies then?

I have no idea what I'm trying to say here and I'm seriously thinking of starting to write in swedish again so that I can really express what I'm actually trying to say here.

I do not blame myself for all of this. BUT I am struggling hard with some of my issues and I am actually scared that I will never get over these issues. It's freaking me out and closes me up even more.

Well. I am ok. I'm not dead. I am not alone. I am not bored. Life IS good otherwise.

BUT this sucks. Way too much for me to be able to smile and say "Im good" when someone's asking. My answer for the last 5 weeks has been "I'm ok...... "
That's how it is.

25 september 2014

It's time I fix myself

It still sucks.

This is gonna be my song.

"Seems like I've left my heart outside your door"

15 september 2014

That thing called love and my broken heart

I have been waiting to write about this here.
I still feel like I want to. I'm not the best to talk about things. Writing is much easier. And I have time to really get down what I really wanna say about things. But it has been too painful. I've started to write but just started to cry rivers and rivers...
I think I can do it now.

Things did not end up like I thought they would. Maybe I was naiv. I didn't wanna hear what he was trying to tell me. But I really didn't think it was that serious. I know the distance when I was in Sweden was bad for us. I screw things up. He did too. Bad communication and really bad listening. Two stubborn people that want things to be their way.

One big problem. My trust issues. Always had them, they have been worse than now, they have been better. We both did things to play with those trust issues. Again, stubborn and not really listening to the other person. We were in love. We just wanted the problem to go away. And they did, for a while, but then came back again. Just simply because we didn't REALLY talk about them. Not to the point where you really can understand each other and try move on and try to respect the other persons feeling. Most of the time it was all good, very good. I still think we can be good. But we lived on those moments and didn't handle what was not that good. We ran away from them.

The hardest part for me was that I really woke up in Sweden and could see my part in this much brighter. I knew I was gonna come back stronger and show that I knew now. I knew I could do it. I could start to trust and start to respect. But I never got the chance. He already gave up. He stopped trying. He started to move on, slowly. I really didn't realize that. I thought he just needed space and he got a lot of it. I mean, I was one other side of the planet.
But maybe was it just that? That I was away and he realized he was happier without me? I am not sure. While I felt I wanted him more than ever. Really felt ready to be the real me again. It truly sucks. And again that is a big communication problem.

I just know deep in my heart that I love him more than I ever felt for anyone. I never felt so relaxed and myself with anyone. I respect who he is and what he is coming from and his values about life so much. He is clever. He is funny. He is loving. He is caring. He never ever made me feel I couldn't be myself in any possible way. He is very very different from any guy I ever dated before. He is one of the few that really made me a better person, just by being there, next to me and listening to me and giving me advices. He is the rational one when I freak out. He used to get me down when I was way too "high" up..  And I know I made him open up a lot more than he ever did before. I know I showed him lots of things about things in life he never really even thought about before. I know he appreciate me a lot because of this.

I have a hard time to accept that this is what he really wants. I know he still loves me and that he still misses me. I know he knows we can be good together. But he has already moved on much more than me and he took the decision of letting me go. I know why, I do. But I just think it's wrong. The reasons are things that are far away from not fixable. It doesn't feel fare at all. I really feel like he just gave up. And that hurts.  I felt like he didn't even give me a chance to come back and take it slow and actually sit down and talk about it all. It went too fast. I didn't even try to think about a decision in Sweden. It's not possible when you are not seeing the person. NO ONE is good at long distance. I would never do it more than 2-3 months. Never. I do not think relationships are meant to be like that.
Yes I simply do think he gave up something that could be fixed. And trust me, I've tried to fix fucked up things, this is NOT the same. This is another story.

But. There is nothing I can do about it now.

And it hurts. Every day. Every morning. Every night. I can hardly eat. I am tired all the time because I cry too much or I try to hold my tears back for too long. As soon as anyone asks me about it, I cry. I can not think about it. It hurts in every part of my body.

And I am not scared of being alone. That's not the thing. I was totally fine with that before I met Peter and I know that feeling. I just simply love him and miss him in my life and I do not want this to end. But it has already. I'm just trying to really understand that.

This will take lots of time to get over.

And yes.. Im crying again.

27 augusti 2014

That shit happened

One more drink and I'll go home, just one more drink and I'll go home
Cause you're not here and I've been trying this for weeks now
Just one more drink and I'll go home
One more bar on my way home, there's still one more bar on my way home.
I called some friends; they all had other things to do now,
There's still one more bar on my way home
No more thinking about you
There ain't gonna be more thinking about you
And I don't miss you, I can't even remember what you look like,
So no more thinking about you
Didn't I hear you say, you're gonna stay forever?
I think I heard you say, you're gonna stay forever?
No I'm not bitter; I just wonder how the hell you could leave me now
And I think I heard you say
You're gonna stay forever
So, one more drink and I'll go home, just one more drink and I'll go home
Cause you're not here and I've been trying this for weeks now
Just one more drink and I'll go home
Just one more drink and I'll go home

12 augusti 2014

Leaving home to go home.

2 months has passed by very quick, but also very slow.

This summer has been a roller coaster. I have gone through a lot in my head. About family, about friends, about love. I realized a lot of things that is gonna change a lot for me.
All my life, or as long as I can remember, I have struggled with some kind of separation anxiety. When it comes to work, family, friends and boyfriends. This has made me very emotional but at the same time very very closed about myself and my feelings. I do not get too close to anyone. I do not open up to anyone. Not about some specific things. I get very emotional, make things bigger than they are and then it's kind of too late to take back my actions that comes out of these feelings. My closest friends knows. They know how scary it is to me to lose anyone. That I will fight in to the latest to fix any kind of relationship. But at the same time I keep them in a distance so that IF I lose them, it's not my fault.

I have to stop this. And I will stop this. I have really realized this now. I have to change. That's how it is. I will never change who I am, but I can change how I am. And I will.
At work. With friends. With family. With Peter. With my free time. I will change this, I am already in the progress. And I have to do this alone. No one can help me. This will be inside of me mostly. I will need to talk about it, but no one will or have to do anything for me to make it easier. It's all about me and what I do and do not do with myself. I won't ask anyone to change around me or even think about that I am going through something. Im in the next step. The real "doing". You won't probably even see it. Maybe just as something positive in me that is changing. You will see.

It's interesting when I think about who I decided to hang out with the most this summer in Sweden. It's simple though. It has been those who I feel I can be myself with. 100% myself. It has been one of the best summers in a long time and still I didn't "do" much. I have just been sucking in ( and trying to give back) as much positive energy as I could.

I will say thanks to some people a little bit more than other. But all of you that have been part of my summer; Thank you!

Thank you Madde, Matilda, Paulina & Johanna. Without you this summer would have been a real struggle. For many reasons. But thanks to you guys I did not have one single day that was not worth it.

I will go back to Cape Town on Sunday with a new and fresh feeling of feeling relieved, liberated. Liberated from all those thoughts that's been in my head for years. A feeling of never been enough. I know I am enough, I just have to see it and use it and act around it. 100% me. All the time. And TRUST that that is enough. And if it is not enough. Let it go.

All Capetonians; be ready to see the real, positive, open minded, spontaneous and also a little emotional Tania. I can't wait to catch up with all of you! 

15 juli 2014

Back on track

Needed a week to go low. I need that sometimes. I just need to totally break down and feel shit and think a lot to actually get back on track again. I have always worked like that. The difference now is that I know I have to get out of it. I can't stay there. I need to really go through it all in my head and make sure I know why I'm low at the moment. Before I could stay in that place for months. Depressions. I'm pretty sure I had depressions, especially in winter time in Sweden. I could not see it then. But I'm pretty sure now. My way of thinking was not healthy and I thought I was exactly how I was supposed to be, but I was way too low and sad and emotional unstable.

I also know I have to find a better way to handle stress. I'm working on it. I never had a job before that stressed me as much as my job i SA does. I love the job, I do. But it stresses the hell out of me sometimes. I'm not used to work in such an unorganised environment. I'm not used to NOT know what I am supposed to do, and to make up my own plan. I am not used to a 9-5 job! It actually stresses me out much more than to have unregular work hours. In Sweden I've always worked days/evening/nights/weekends in a mix. I'm used to have some days off in the middle of the week, or to work in the weekend or start late in the afternoon. I've worked like that since I was 19. So it's a big change for me to wake up every day at 8 and always "only" have Saturday and Sunday off.

I have a feeling that it's gonna be great from now. I can see it in front of me. I have new ideas, new thoughts and am feeling positive. I am the only onw that can really change my own life. That's how it is. Had a long skype talk with Peter last night and I got it all out. I must say, it's still very hard for me to express myself in english, when it comes to things like this. I have it all in my head in swedish and then I have to translate it in english and when I'm done I don't even remember half of what I wanted to say. Very frustrating!

14 juli 2014

The life I've chosen.

People in Sweden and South Africa often ask me "How do you do it? Don't you miss family and friends? How do you and Peter handle long distance? Are you staying in SA forever?"

For over 6 years I've known South Africa suits me. I have tried to find a way of living there. Since 2 years the dream really started to come through and this week I got my work permit. Finally. It's for real now.

I'm not good with winter. Coldness and darkness always made me depressed. I didn't see it when I was in it. But when I look back at it, it's so obvious.

But. Just because I chose this and just because it's a dream coming through it doesn't mean it's easy all the time. It's actually a every day struggle at the same time. All the questions I get make sense.

This summer I really feel it. I feel confused and lost. I feel stressed and scared. I felt for the first time "is this the right choice?" I got the work permit which means I'm "stuck" at that job. Can't change my mind. I also freak out a bit I guess because I realise how much Peter means to me. I do never wanna lose him. That is scary shit.

I do not feel "home" in Sweden as I do in Cape Town. But I do miss having family and close friends around. And work wise ... I need to make sure that my job in SA is becoming more developing for me, personally. I miss to work closer to children and to change people's life. I had way too much office hours in 2013/2014.

I guess it's impossible for anyone to understand that never tried this life, how it feels like. And I don't expect you to understand. But I do expect my friends to understand that I'm human and I do have bad days even if I'm very very happy about the life I've got. It does not help with "come on. Stop complaining. You got what you want. Chill. Be happy". That is very disrespectful. Right now I have lots on my head and it's stressing me out. But I will be fine!

7 juli 2014

Croatia

I've been VERY bad at updating.
I know. I'm in Croatia at the moment.
Back in Sweden on friday. I will try to write some more soon!




6 juni 2014

SOOoooooooooN!

Im leaving next week thursday. I have to say I am not too sad to leave this weather. Yesterday it was about 8 degrees, rain, hail, stormy weather. The worst part is that it's so fu**ing cold inside too. I am used to cold. I am from Sweden. Facts. It is cold in Sweden most of the year. But it's always warm inside. I never have to be cold inside. Here, in winter, it's cold both outside and indoor. No central heating. Cold floors. Doors and windows that are not sealed. I can sometimes feel a breeze in my room.. Brrrrrrr.

Last year I was really nervous about leaving 3 months. It felt so long. And I was scared that it would be weird for me and Peter also. We had just been dating for 6 months. This time it all feels much better. First of all, it's only 2 months. And I feel more comfortable with everything. Me, Peter, work. And I'm also REALLY looking forward to meet all the people in Sweden. Friends, family, people at work etc. And Croatia... oh... Croatia. I think that is my favourite place in the world. Not to LIVE in, but really my favourite place to visit. More relaxing place is hard to find.

So. Last days here.. I'm expecting a lot of friends, party and happiness.



29 maj 2014

Why I think we need the word feminism

A lot of men (and some women) are saying "why can't we just use the word equality or humanism? Feminism has become such a negative word since a lot of women use it as a ALL men are bad. ALL women are victims?"

This is an example why I don't think equality or humanism is enough:

Earlier this year a woman got sentenced for slapping a man in his face. Nothing wrong with that, you think. The things is, before she turned around and slapped him, he pinched her butt. This man was a stranger, he saw the woman in the bar and thought it would be a "fun" way of flirting with her. The woman got chocked and angry, turned around and slapped the man in his face.

The man went to the police and reported her for assault. There was a trial. The woman told her story. Why he slapped him. Self defence, you could call it, right?

The judge thought that a pinch isn't that bad as a slap. The woman got sentenced for this. The man? Nothing!

So. Let's use the words humanism and feminism here. And let me explain why I think humanism is not enough.

Humanism and equality would only see that both of them did wrong. And that is the case, I say too. Both of them were wrong. Even if you got pinched, you should not slap. You should go to the police and report the man for sexual harassment. Now, since she slap him, both of them should be sentenced maybe?

Since the man got NOTHING on this I wanna use feminism here. Because... It's ok in this world to pinch someones but. It's ok to take advantaged of the woman's body. This is what's wrong. The law is not enough, because the judge did not think a pinch was "that bad, he just wanted to flirt with you". We need the word feminism to see the deeper problem in this case. Humanism would not do that. It would only follow the law, that both of them did something against the law.

Sexism is not clear enough in the law system.

And no. I do not think women in general would do the same to a stranger in the bar. hardly no woman. I am pretty sure much more men would just laugh about it and think it's "not that bad, it's just for fun". Because objectifying women's bodies is and has always been ok. Not for everyone. but for too many people. The same with strip clubs and porn. Same thought. "It's not that bad, some of them even like it"

Another example:

In the 60s/70s people in USA were fighting for equal right for black people. It was ok to say it was for black people. No one talked about "people" or "humanism".. At least they talked about it all as one case. It was ok to say there was a group of people that had less rights then others. Blacks had less rights than white.

During apartheid people did not JUST talk about humanism and equality. They actually talked about black and coloured people and their rights in a country ruled by whites.

Why can not 50% of the world be a group seen as a group that actually has less rights than the other 50% That is the truth. And MAYBE not in your country or around your friends or in your village. BUT we need to see the bigger picture. We need to see it as a world wide problem and stand together in the fight for women's rights.

Sexism IS big, and it IS bigger against women then men. And no, we wont stop to fight for men's rights just because we talk about women a lot. BUT, can't we women just be allowed to get a little extra attention since the problems are much bigger around us? In some countries some women get stoned to death because they did something a woman should not do. And yes, it has a little to do with religion, but mostly it's culture and the bad way of seeing women. Not ALL muslims would stone a woman to death, right? One thing is for sure. NO man at all would be stoned to death for the same crime as the women..

This is why we need feminism. We need to see the problem as a problem against women. Because it does exist! And we will continue work for men's problem ALSO. One thing does not exclude the other! During apartheid, did they just STOP talking about all other problems? Would they not call the police if a white man was shot? Yes they would. They would work on both sides. BUT the problem against black and coloured was a LITTLE bit bigger at the moment..

No real feminist thinks ALL men are rapists. Thats bullshit. If anyone says that, just do not listen! Do not let the crazy people take over the word that we need. That's the same thought as some people has in Sweden. Just let the racist go on, ignore them, they talk bullshit. Let them think that we can not take more immigrants, let them say we can not allow mosques in our country, because all muslims are bad people. NO, we have to stand up against it and keep on fighting. Not give up and let them be right.

But we need you men on our side in this, to make more people see what feminism is about. (sadly we need that help, yes, to open up some peoples eyes). What we do not need is men, that are actually great people, to turn the back and say "feminists are crazy, they have been taking it too far". That will never help. At all.

So. There you go. If you do not agree, please tell me why, I am always open for a discussion.


23 maj 2014

Respect

I had so much in my head last night that I wanted to write about. But I was too tired. Now most of it is gone. This is my problem, this is why I sometimes bomb people with text messages when I feel something, when I wanna say something, because I forget. I want it to be told so I just HAVE to do it at the moment it comes to my mind.

The basic is. I have so much respect for a lot of my closest friends here. And Peter is one of them. I respect his thoughts, his view of life, his way of respecting himself and his principles. He is probably the most open minded guy I have ever met. And with me, I think I'm also very open minded and have a big passion for politics, feminism, refugee rights, being against child abuse etc, you kind of have to be that person to handle to have me around. Haha, I don't know how many times I been on "fire" because of talking about feminism, hitting children, refugees rights and much other things. To able to actually talk about these things and be respected for it... It means a lot. I respect people that respect me. Might sound easy but seriously, I met a lot of people that couldn't handle me being like this. You know, a girlfriend "should" be nice, quiet, sweet, understanding, caring and loving. Not questioning, annoying, loud etc... :)

I also respect him for wanting to learn new things. To change without changing who you are is a very important thing if you wanna be in a relationship at all. I learned a lot the last 10 years. About me and my behaviours. I learned to respect myself but also to respect that everyone is not like me. To compromise is very important to keep people in your life, I learned. I am still learning though, and Peter has changed me a lot. I learned to trust so much more. I learned to breathe, to not freak out about everything and to TALK about things. Talk talk talk talk. It sounds so simple, but it isn't always that easy. Especially when I have to do it in another language than my own language. Thanks to text messages I say, it works out better. I can write it down, slow and think about it, instead of trying to find words and phrases in the moment I am upset. Peter also learned me to be patience. To give it time to think about it and let things sink in first, before I react too much. Rationality is a bigger part of my emotional life now than ever before.

I blame the south european temper I have in my blood for my irrationality, haha!

I also know I taught Peter a lot when it comes to a lot of things. But that's not my thing to tell you about.

OK, I'm not sure what I wanted with this blog post. But there you go.

22 maj 2014

We will see..

I have an idea in my head. Something I wanna write about. I wanna write about how my love for P is based on so much respect and it has been from the beginning. I have the words in my head, in swedish. I just have to try to write it down in english. We will see..

If not. You can always ask me when you see me next time and I will try to explain.

I simply just respect so much about him.

And I know you know that I have been a little sad because of me and P the last weeks. BUT every relationship has its ups and downs. I just chose to write about it in public sometimes, when most people would not. I never been scared about letting other people know I'm sad. I just always been bad at telling. So writing it down here or on facebook or wherever does actually help me in the progress of trying to sort things out. And it may sound more dramatic than it is. It's up to you to read it however you want to, but if you actually did care, you would have asked me how I am a long time ago anyway...


Yeah, I will definitely write something tomorrow again. About a lot of things. Got many ideas now..

Good night.


The feminist is awake

I get so tired of the discussion about strip clubs. "Some girls actually WANT to strip, they think it's fun. Everyone is not a drug addict or poor and MUST strip. For some it's a choice "

It is NOT the problem dear little manly man. The problem is that we live in a world where women are supposed to entertain men, preferably as undressed as possible. The problem is that there even ARE strip clubs. If someone likes to undress in front of strangers, that person may do so at their free time. It should NOT be a profession. The majority of those who work at a strip club doing it because they have no other choice at the moment. Because it gives money. How many men would do the same to put food on the table? Probably not many. There you have the problem. Society has decided that it's a little more ok to do some uncomfortable things for money, if you are a woman. I wanna vomit on so many men around me that still, 2014, can not see that this is wrong.

Do not go to strip clubs. Do not support anything like that. You might as well buy sex from a prostitute in this case, with the "I just want to be nice so she can earn money and eat food for the day". You know what? If that's WHY you go to a strip club you may as well just wait until they finished their shift and then just give the girl some money?

And no. It's not a big difference between prostitution and strip clubs.

Why is it so hard to understand this?

15 maj 2014

It's not fucking fare

I'm tired of it actually, and that's not a good thing.

I start to think. REALLY!?

Ok, the thing is, life is good, I'm happy in a lot of ways, and a part of this is good for me. I start to realise what I've been missing out on. And THAT I'm gonna change now. Bring back old friends in my life, and not gonna take people for granted.

But. The BUT is; I can do both parts. And that's what I wanna scream out.. PEOPLE can change. In a good way. Start to fucking believe in people, and maybe in yourself too!?

BAH!

Tomorrow is gonna be a better day!

10 maj 2014

Needed

I have not used my blog for writing about me and my feelings in a long time. It has not been needed. Because, I only need to write when something is wrong. And my life has been good, happy and giving for a long time. But, there will always come hard times, every now and then. Now is one of them. Hard times. Complicated times. Worried times.

I still don't wanna write too much. My integrity has grown more important to me. And the integrity of my closest too.

This thing called relationship. It's not easy. Everyone knows that. It isn't. There isn't a thing called "if you are right for each other then there should not be any problems"
How come, that if you have a friend it's ok to be angry, irritated and annoyed with her/him. But if it's your boyfriend you freak out as soon as that happens. Then you have to step out, push away and break up. Why is that not fixable as easy as a friendship?

I believe in progress. Small steps. Learning from each other. Get to know weaknesses and strong sides of each other. And, sometimes you take steps back again, but you will fall and stand up again and try fix things. Together. If you love someone, you do not give up. Maybe, if you wanna give up, you don't love him/her anymore? If it's not worth some sacrifices, yeah, well, then I do not believe it's love.

Or, maybe people are scared, just scared as hell to take that next step, and they get blind, and leave people behind that they should not. That they will regret leaving behind? Just because they were scared.

I say; Scary shit!

To figure this out, TALK. Always talk to each other. Do not close the other person out. Anything you need to say, say it. Then discuss. Listen. Talk again. Things are very rarely solved after ONE of these talks. It takes time, progress, small steps. Learning from each other.

16 april 2014

1,5 year.

Time flies! It's been 1,5 year now since I met Peter the first time. When I think about it, when I think about the relationships I had before him, I get amazed about how we made this. How me went through stuff without too much drama. My whole life been too much drama. And yes, most of the time I started drama, because of my lack of trust and my insecurity. Also, I dated a lot of assholes, or people that were not ready to commit at all. A lot of feelings has been hurt on the way. But I am stronger now. I am more calm. I really love my life and I think that is the answer. I feel like I am where I should be. I love myself much more now. That is the key to a lot of things.

Anyway. 2 more months in Cape Town, then off to Sweden for 2 months. I am really looking forward to it. I'm gonna take walks in the middle of the night, eat home made swedish food, drink NICE milk, see all the amazing people, have a beer in the park, swim in the lakes, drive on the right side, longboard, drink good coffee, swim in my sisters pool, play with my niece and lots of other great things. In august we will have some amazing reunion days in Stockholm. Me, Peter, Mumz, Malin, Elin, Anna, Felicia, Karina, Rebecca, Berber. Hopefully everyone can come!

 For now it's a lot of work. Mostly preparations for next semester. I have a LOT of students coming for Internships. It's really cool how the word of mouth works. We don't spend a lot of money for advertising at all. It's all facebook or word of mouth. Amazing. We starting to get a really good rumour in Sweden. We are growing!

 Some pics from Sweden last year.

My Longboard Homie Diana
My brother Peter and my uncle Magnus

At my sisters house with my sisters and husband, my mother and my nieces

My Niece Othilia

Swedish kebab Pizza

15 april 2014

six years later and still alive

This weekend it's eastern weekend.
This weekend six years ago I got robbed in Athlone, with a gun. You might think that is the scariest thing that happened to me in this country. But no.
Let me tell you about the craziest thing that ever happened to me here:

It was a saturday in february 2008. I was with Irina, another Swedish girl. We were both volunteering at a home of safety for boys between 8-18 years old. This saturday we were gonna take some of the boys to a football game at Athlone Stadium. Ajax Cape Town was playing Kaizer Chiefs. Top game of the year! It was sold out. We had our tickets though. We were standing outside the stadium and I started to hand out the tickets to the boys. One man cam up to me and asked if we had extra tickets. We had, because some of the boys couldn't come, so I said "Yes we have 2 extra tickets". I shouldn't have said those words.
Suddenly there was about 5 men asking me, insisting on getting those tickets. Just seconds later there was at least 50 people around me, shouting at me, asking me for the tickets. I started to feel threatened. Irina took the boys and stepped back a bit. I started to walk away slowly. Everyone followed me, still shouting "give us the tickets, we want tickets, we know you have tickets".
I started to walk faster. I was almost running. So, I ended up at a fence. Trapped. I sat down. All the men (at least 50-70 according do Irina that saw everything) was in my face, shouting. They were actually not touching me, just shouting. I just remember I was thinking "NO, these kids have never ever been to a football game in their lives, I am not gonna give the tickets away to these stupid men". I remember myself starting crawling out of the group of people, between their legs, I got out and ran over the street, scared as hell, didn't even look for cars, I just ran.
I ran into a restaurant, I think it was a Nandos or something. I threw the tickets to the staff and just said "hide these for me please". The second after all the men were in the restaurant, in my face again. Shouting. Going f*cking crazy! At this moment I was so angry, upset, scared and frustrated. I took my bag, took out my camera, phone, wallet and told people "here, take whatever you feel like taking, but I do NOT have tickets anymore, they are gone and the children wont see their first football game, thanks to you idiots". Eben, one of the smallest guys (about 8 years old) came to me, between all these angry men, hugged me and asked if I was ok.
NOW, finally, the police came. The crazy men left and it was all ok. Kind of. We went outside, I explained to the police what happened and the police man asked me "so where are the tickets?" ... They were still in the restaurant. The police man went to get them. Of course there were like 5 missing. The staff in the restaurant probably thought they should have something for helping me out... Who knows. Anyway. The whole thing ended with the police driving us inside the stadium in his police car. The kids loved it. The women working at the boys home, not so impressed by the swedish volunteers....

WHAT A CULTURE CHOCK, haha!

The story about me getting robbed with a gun, the guys taking my phone, manage to film themselves with the phone and send the video to my friend and then I had to go with the Police to Cape Flats late at night to his sister because she was the only one with internet, to see the video my friend send me of the robbers..  that's another story. Maybe for another time.

3 april 2014

Life is damn great!

So. I just found out my first day in Sweden will start with an Arcade Fire concert. And 2 days later I will go to a concert with my Swedish favourite band Kent.

In may I will probably go to Zambia for work. Finally I will see other parts of Africa.

In july I go to Croatia. In august Peter will come and visit me in Sweden and we fly back here together!

Pure happiness.

19 mars 2014

Some pics from the last 2 weeks


Håkan, Malin and Petra. Håkan is from Stockholm, we ran into him at Neighbourhood,
now he's a part of "us" and have begun to volunteer at the shelter in Salt River with Malin.

Wine time way too early on a saturday.  

Malin and I went to Kaospiloternas presentation. 



Matilda is back in town!!!! 
Guys don't dance? Well, in South Africa they do! 

I wanna live in this area... (tamboerskloof)

17 mars 2014

Kent. The new song is great. Clever lyrics, as always.



Some kind of translation:

I am the hand that is holding the flag
I am the pocket thief on the Central station
I am the bomb at the terminals in the bag left behind
I am the first cold rains
I am the cold place where nothing grows
I am six months of darkness in the country that God forgot
I am tear gas in the purse
I am in the Rave Commission
The xenophobic policy
I am suicide statistics
I am rural areas Rohypnol
I am jealousy, alcohol
I am SMS-loans
I am the gear at the School yard.
All for all and one for one
All for all and one for one
All for all and one for one
So we start over again
I am mist in the memorial garden
the wind on the bridge over the strait
I am the suspicious neighbor
damn Finns, Norwegians , Danes
I am the knife in the inside pocket
I am all the weapons we have exported
I am the soldiers at the villages
I am the mines
I do not vote anymore in election
I am Melodifestivalen
I am the going into the wall
I am those who are going through the box
I live in the largest city
I donate money to Save the Children
And my computer is full of pictures 
which should never have been taken
All for all and one for one
All for all and one for one
All for all and one for one
So we start over again
I am the hand that rocks the cradle
I am the state & the capital
I am a safety manual
anonymous comments
I am the online bullying 
I am the Big Mac you eat
I'm mosques and cathedrals
I am the Bible and Quran
All for all and one for one
All for all and one for one
All for all and one for one
So we start over again

28 februari 2014

Temple Wines and Stand Up. Just normal things in my CT life.

Last weekend was great!
Me and Peter went to Temple Wines in Paarl for a night. Temple Wines is owned by a swedish couple and it is a really really great and relaxing spot with perfect service!
After that chillin we went straight to some Stand up and crazyness/mess in Observatory, at Armchair Theatre. That's a sunday tradition now!









19 februari 2014

R.I.P Micke Carlsson

It's not like you were a very close friend of mine. But I known you since I was a kid. You were in the same school as my brother. I played handball with you sister. I played in your house with her when I was about 11 years old. Later we lived in the same small town, had a lot of friends in common and in 2010 we went to Roskilde Festival together in my fathers old school caravan. You were one of these people I would always stop and talk to, you would always ask "how's your brother?" and you would always have a smile on your face! So many people liked you a lot. I can imagine that the atmosphere in Mjölby right now is very weird. Everyone knew you, more or less, somehow. It's so very sad when someone pass away this young. I can't imagine how it feels for your family and close friends. I never lost anyone young and close. Only old people that you kind of expect they don't have too much time left. This is something different. So unpredictable! Sad. Vila i frid.

18 februari 2014

Another week.

I have a very busy week. Working 9-19 every day. Lot's to do. Mostly fun things though.
Hanging at the orphanage twice a week while Catherine is running her art project. Having meetings for Home Stay plans for volunteers. Counselling the volunteers, making sure they are happy at their projects! Also, a a lot of writing at the office. Not as fun as the other things. But it has to be done.

 On Saturday I'm going with this weirdo to a B&B in Paarl and I will just CHILL my ass off.
Wine, pool, sun, food. Can't wait.
My Hot Mess. 


12 februari 2014

Sum it up!

So. I've been here for 6 years now. On and off. Probably spent around 2,5 year here all together. I know some people wonder how, when, where, why.
here is a short summary:

2008: 
I came here in february for a 2 months internship. I was studying social work in Sweden. I was working at the big soup kitchen in town and at a home of safety for teenage boys. At the Soup Kitchen I met John, he was running the soup kitchen at the moment. He is still my friend and he is helping me with placing a lot of the volunteers now, for different projects. I did a home stay in Athlone with an old lady and another swedish girl, Irina, from Stockholm. I spent a lot of time in Ahtlone, Belgravia, Bridgetown and those areas. Hangning out with the people from there. Lots of Braais and home parties. Sometimes Long Street and sometimes Galaxy. I did not go up on Table Mountain.

2009: 
Went back in march for 6 weeks with Rebecca from Gothenburg. Met her in 2008, she was volunteering with the same company as me. We stayed in Belgravia, Athlone, again at the house she stayed in when she was here in 2008. I was helping out in the Soup kitchen again and also went with John to the township in Phumlani. The township I'm still working a lot in!
I did not go up on Table Mountain.

2009/2010: 
I won a trip! I won a volunteer trip for 2 months, including flight ticket, accommodation and food! Crazy. It was through a competition online for a coffee company..
I went in december 2009-february 2010.
I was thinking of going somewhere else, but I did miss South Africa so much and I felt like that was the right thing to do! I stayed in Observatory, in a volunteer house. I shared room with Nina, from Switzerland that today is one of my best and closest friends. We wnt to Brazil together in 2011. I also shared house with Gee, who is still in Cape Town and a really great friend. I was volunteering at the soup kitchen, and also did a lot of my own things with the street kids, like going to the beach etc. Was helping John with a lot of things. This was also the time when I met Dina for the first time. Dina from Umeå that I later started the Volunteer program for Southern Ambition with.
I did not go up on Table Mountain.

2012: 
March:
I got a message from Dina at facebook. Me and Dina had not been talking a lot. But she saw that I posted on facebook that I missed Cape Town. We talked and decided to go back, for 5 weeks in march. We stayed at her friends house in Plumstead. It was a lot of pool hang outs at the house, some nights at long street. Once again I was working a lot with John in Phumlani. I also had about 10 000 rand donation money (from friends and family) with me and with that I fixed toilets, showers and some other things for the shelter John runs in Salt River.
This is when I first met Moses and Southern Ambition. Dina knew them from the last time she was here. We started to randomly talk about starting a volunteer/internship program...
Oh... and me and Dina hiked Table mountain, up AND down :)

September: 
Me, Dina and Moses started to talk about starting a volunteer and internship program via Southern Ambition. Moses asked me to come and work for him, to try six months and see how it would go. So, in one week I quit my job, got rid of my flat and booked a flight to Cape Town. During may - august me and Dina tried to get people interested and to book volunteer trips. Success!

Since then I've been here, except for the 3 months I went home to Sweden in june-aug 2013.

And. This is home. More home than Sweden in many ways. I miss my family a lot. And summer in sweden. But that is like 3 months of the year... So no, I prefer Cape Town.
What I fell in love with here?
* The people. Warm, happy, social, easy going and very friendly.
* The nature. Mountains, ocean, forests and a big city in the middle is for sure the most beautiful mix.
* The Food. All the food tastes amazing here. And it's cheap.
* The children. Of course. All the children and people I'm working with are a big part of my life
* The culture/art life. Music, art, comedy, workshops, you name it. There are things going on all the time.
* African time. Even its VERY irritating sometimes, it's more great things coming out of it than bad. I don't stress anymore. I can relax. It's ok to be a little late. It's ok to not be perfect all the time. It's ok to fuck up. Everything is gonna be ok. Hakuna Matata.
* The weather. I prefer 8 months summer and 4 months winter than the opposite!
* The non superficial way of looking at people. People are crazy. Personal. Different. Everyone I know is VERY different from anyone. But we are still hanging out together. No "groups" at all. Just random. I am always my self here and I love it. No judgemental feelings!




11 februari 2014

So much fun

Beach. Pool. Friends. Parties. Wine farm. Festival. Social Projects. Sun. Food. Wine. Love. Joy. Happiness. Excitement.

Life is pretty good.


I love my job. Why? Because it's not just my job. It's so much what I love to do. I'm lucky to have a job like that. Here AND in Sweden.






10 februari 2014

Jealousy

Jealousy. Complicated subject. I will never be really calm around that subject. But I've made big steps in the right directions for sure. Thanks to a lot of things and a big reason is P and his reasonable thoughts and views of things. I need time to progress things. My brain wont let things go, even if I know what's right or wrong. My feelings are always in the way. I'm still scared about some things. Worried. Paranoid. But I know I shouldn't. I KNOW. But rationality has never been my strongest side. But, as I said, I'm learning. I'm getting better at it. Small steps.

I still say though, that jealousy comes from insecurity. Not from trusting or not.

When it comes to real life I'm cool. When it comes to social media etc, not so cool. For some pretty obvious reasons.

And. The truth; I have a very hot boyfriend that lots of girls probably want. Or, I know they do.
My head says; What if one of them is more fun, more smart and more of everything? Nothing to help then... That's how my head thinks sometimes. Silly silly thoughts. But they are still there so I have to deal with them.

And I am allowed to deal with them. For the first time ever. I love him for that.

COMMUNICATION!

7 februari 2014

FAIL

Haha, so yesterday I had chips. Way too much of it. Also, I couldn't really exercise a lot. My leg hurts. I got a bad cramp on wednesday while swimming. So today I think I will have to take a LONG walk to soften it up. No laziness is allowed. No excuses.

It's finally weekend. But the weekend is full of work anyway. But fun stuff so it's ok. Tomorrow Catherine arrives from Uppsala. She will run an art project at an orphanage. Southern Ambition got a 20 000 rand scholarship for this and we chose her with help from Fryshuset in Stockholm. Im very excited. Also she seems like a very nice person. Right now we have such a nice group of volunteers/Interns here. Everyone is very easy going and they all hang out and have fun together.

I miss a proper phone. Or mostly a phone with a proper camera. I have like NO photos from the last month and it sucks. Pictures are important to me. It's memories saved in the best way. I will have to bring my normal camera more often.





6 februari 2014

Just saying

I've realised even more this week how much I appreciate him. How good he actually is. How much I actually trust him. He allows me to be me, but he also lets me know when I cross the line and talk to me and let me express my feelings without making me feel like a bad person. He makes me trust myself, something I had big problems with before. Can't even explain how much that means to me. How much I need a person like that in my life. I don't even think he knows how good he is. I have a lot of drama around me at the moment, friends drama, friends problems, not mine. But it really makes me see how lucky I am. And I am so damn happy we got here, grew in this and solved a lot of things that could have messed it all up really bad. But we didn't. We fixed it BEFORE it was too late. That's something new for me. Rationality. Something I'm trying to learn and use in my life more and more. Feelings are good to have and to show, but I need to breathe and count to 10 before I "spit" it out! Im still learning. And he is letting me.. Love him for that.

Simply happy.
Two weeks after we met. I was nervous to hang out with his friends. You know "are they gonna like me?"

Stuff

I WANT THIS! 


Something more important. I'm too lazy to translate everything. But it's about the art project that we are starting next week with the swedish student Catherine. Gonna be awesome!


5 februari 2014

Fail of the week

So far this week I failed a little bit...

* since friday I had about 100g chocolate (when someone bring swedish chocolate I think that's ok)
* yesterday I had a handful of chips
* still eating way to much carbs. POTATOES are so good!


Good thing: Today I swam 1,1 km in 40 minutes and I really think I can do it faster and also swim 1,5 km soon. Trying to take it slow. But swimming is really my thing! It's also relaxing and a good way of being alone with my thoughts. Some kind of therapy for me!

Today I'm making chicken, tomatoes, pepper, mushrooms, onion and rice for dinner.
Then I'm gonna keep on watching Game of Thrones. I'm on season 3 episode 4 now. Getting better and better! After that I will watch House of Cards.

Well, that was a really boring blog post from me. Haha. Hope you enjoyed.



4 februari 2014

OK. I will do it. I will fucking blog about my "new life". 
At least in the beginning.
And I don't care if it's boring to read about.
I do write this blog for ME more than for YOU.
I have no self discipline at all, that's why I need to do this. Make it a thing. Write about it. Tell people about it. So I feel like I fail to other people, not just to myself. Then I don't care. SO.

This week;
Sunday : Swam 1km.
Monday: 100 reps of sit ups, push ups and squats. (only 80 push ups)
Tuesday: Swam about 600 m + 15 min core & 100 squats

So from now when I write a post, I will always end it with the exercise of the day.
Maybe I will tell you what I eat to? No... fuck it. That's too boring even for me to write about!

So, I will try to push myself a little harder in 1-2 weeks. This is not hard enough. But I have been lazy and unhealthy for almost 2 years now, so I need to be nice to myself and not rush in to this.

If I could look a little bit more like this in 6 months from now, I will be glad.
This is almost 2 years ago.



2 februari 2014

New rules

So. I decided to start living a LITTLE bit healthier from now on.
These are my small rules (rules CAN be broken, but I will try not to) :

* As little sugar as possible.
* At least 30 minutes of any kind of activity every day. Walk, run, swim, muscle training etc etc
* Cook more food at home. Less carbs, more salad and fish/chicken.
* Alcohol MAX 2 times / week. ( I know it sounds silly for you people back home in sweden. BUT it's actually something I need to think of here. The social "going out" life is so much more normal here. Sometimes I'm out 4 times in one week. But from now it will be without alcohol some times!)
* smoke less! Much less!

That's it. I will still eat whatever I want, some times, and I will drink, and I wont spend hours at a gym. I will still have my life, the life I want, but a LITTLE bit healthier. It's time!

Then I hope soccer will start next week, as they told me! Then I'm happy!

30 januari 2014

Life is supposed to be fun

No. Life is not SUPPOSED to be hard. It's supposed to be fun, beautiful, lovely. I think people that have a chance to make their life all of this, should. I can not accept people complaining about their boring life and their boring job and their boring city, and then they don't try to change it.

Think about all the people in this world that has NO chance to follow their dreams. That are stuck in their lives. They have no option. I think everyone complaining about their life and not trying to change it when they actually CAN, should feel ashamed and ungrateful.

I refuse to work just to make money. I refuse to have a job I hate. I refuse to go to a gym just to be healthy and look good. I refuse to read a book or watch a movie because I "should". I refuse to learn new things if I don't want to or have to, just because society thinks I "should" know it. I refuse to do anything that I don't like, if I don't HAVE to. And when would I really have to?  Life is too short to waste on things that are not making me happy.

I am lucky. Lucky that I can chose. I have a choice. And I've decided to be thankful and make the best out of that. To be as happy as I can be. If I'm gonna be healthy I'm gonna find a FUN way of doing that. Not spending even ONE hour of the day doing something boring, if I don't have to.

And I refuse to do what society think everyone should do. I don't give a shit I'm turning 30 this year and I don't even have my own place, I don't have kids, I don't have a work permit in the country I'm living. I'm kind of "floating" around. And I love it! I'm around friends that I love. I live in a beautiful country. I see my friends and family in Sweden every year. I'm happy here.

Please, enjoy your life to the fullest, think about those who can't and do it for them! Appreciate what you have! Live YOUR life and no one else's!

And every now and then, try to do something for someone else. Volunteer one day. Donate old clothes. Give away some food to that guy outside your house looking for food in the garbage. It's easy. Appreciate what you have.

29 januari 2014

Projects

I feel like I have only been writing about me and what's going on in my head the last weeks. Well, it's been some emotional weeks, so I guess it makes sense.

But here are some exciting things that's going on in my work life:

Photo project in Phumlani:
Today I will go with two of our swedish volunteers to the township Phumlani with a photographer/videographer team from Italy. They are gonna run a long term project with the youth of the community and other townships in South Africa. They will spend 3 years in South Africa for this. The whole thing is based on teaching the youth how to use a camera and then the photos are gonna be based on a child's perspective. So all the photos that is gonna be in the book they make will be taken by the youth. They are amazing, check them out HERE. I am very excited about this. I've been working with the kids in Phumlani the last six years and I love to see them grow, as individuals.

Canvas Art Project:
Catherine, a student from Sweden, is coming here in february to run an art project in a orphanage in Khayelitsha. It's to empower teen girls. More info will come later, but Catherine is very excited about this and with her enthusiasm I'm sure this will be really cool! Here is the BLOG she is gonna write during the project.

The 8th of february we are having another township day again. I am trying to have something at least once a month for the kids out there. (the same kids that are having the photo project)


Much Love.

Inspiration

Travel Blog Awards 2014! Billiga hotell Malmö hittar du hos oss! Välj mellan lågprishotell och riktigt lyxrum.
Vote for me here. This is gonna inspire me to update more, to write more and more detailed about me & my life in South Africa. I have been lazy the last months. But I'm back now! So, vote for me?! THANKS!

27 januari 2014

2014

Cape Town.
Sweden.
Croatia.
Denmark.
Cape Town again.

Great plans.

This is a good year, I really believe that. But it's most because I have made a choice to make it a good year! Changes are good, when it's good changes.

And by the way, I really love him and am so glad that we talked things through and got to another place in this relationship. I feel relieved. And loved. And appreciated. And most of all; I have fun! He makes me laugh, a lot. 

22 januari 2014

Better!

no, I'm not gonna blog about my training and my food, I've tried that before and it's just not for me.

BUT I wanna mention that the last days I've been eating good food, had basically NO sugar and no "bad" stuff (aka no chips or other snacks) and I have been doing some stuff like basic muscle training at home and went to swim for 30 minutes today.
I will really try to keep this, make it a part of my everyday life. Nothing big and nothing too serious. Next week I will also start playing soccer again! The season will start in february so it's perfect timing. Feel inspired.

Otherwise. Still lots of work. But it's my favourite months in Cape Town now. January - April are great! Matilda is also coming back to visit and hopefully Johanna will come too. On the top of that Karina is coming back to do some work with Southern Ambition for 2 months. AWESOME I say.

Beach day tomorrow. Hard work. NOT. Haha. (taking two new Interns to have breakfast in town and then hitting Clifton) After that 2 meetings, so yes I will actually work... :)

Laters.

(there is so many things I wanna write about when it comes to politics and racism in Sweden. I am pissed... But I am too tired to write. Maybe tomorrow. )

15 januari 2014

Work is work

January is a crazy month. So much work. But I like it. It's challenging again. I learn. I sweat and swear and go crazy sometimes. But it's worth it. In the end. When I get all the forms from the volunteers/interns that are back in Sweden and they say they loved their stay here and that Southern Ambition is a great company to travel with. Feels good.

My goal in 2012 was to find a way to go here and get to stay here. It's done. Almost.
Next step; getting a work permit.
When that is done; getting involved in some kind of NGO, maybe start my own one together with someone. I've promised myself to be there before 2016. I will.

I have so many plans for this year that feels great. Can't tell about all of them. But Sweden and Croatia is already for sure! More to come... I'll let you know.. Soon.

I AM EXCITED again. I'm back on track.