I have been waiting to write about this here.
I still feel like I want to. I'm not the best to talk about things. Writing is much easier. And I have time to really get down what I really wanna say about things. But it has been too painful. I've started to write but just started to cry rivers and rivers...
I think I can do it now.
Things did not end up like I thought they would. Maybe I was naiv. I didn't wanna hear what he was trying to tell me. But I really didn't think it was that serious. I know the distance when I was in Sweden was bad for us. I screw things up. He did too. Bad communication and really bad listening. Two stubborn people that want things to be their way.
One big problem. My trust issues. Always had them, they have been worse than now, they have been better. We both did things to play with those trust issues. Again, stubborn and not really listening to the other person. We were in love. We just wanted the problem to go away. And they did, for a while, but then came back again. Just simply because we didn't REALLY talk about them. Not to the point where you really can understand each other and try move on and try to respect the other persons feeling. Most of the time it was all good, very good. I still think we can be good. But we lived on those moments and didn't handle what was not that good. We ran away from them.
The hardest part for me was that I really woke up in Sweden and could see my part in this much brighter. I knew I was gonna come back stronger and show that I knew now. I knew I could do it. I could start to trust and start to respect. But I never got the chance. He already gave up. He stopped trying. He started to move on, slowly. I really didn't realize that. I thought he just needed space and he got a lot of it. I mean, I was one other side of the planet.
But maybe was it just that? That I was away and he realized he was happier without me? I am not sure. While I felt I wanted him more than ever. Really felt ready to be the real me again. It truly sucks. And again that is a big communication problem.
I just know deep in my heart that I love him more than I ever felt for anyone. I never felt so relaxed and myself with anyone. I respect who he is and what he is coming from and his values about life so much. He is clever. He is funny. He is loving. He is caring. He never ever made me feel I couldn't be myself in any possible way. He is very very different from any guy I ever dated before. He is one of the few that really made me a better person, just by being there, next to me and listening to me and giving me advices. He is the rational one when I freak out. He used to get me down when I was way too "high" up.. And I know I made him open up a lot more than he ever did before. I know I showed him lots of things about things in life he never really even thought about before. I know he appreciate me a lot because of this.
I have a hard time to accept that this is what he really wants. I know he still loves me and that he still misses me. I know he knows we can be good together. But he has already moved on much more than me and he took the decision of letting me go. I know why, I do. But I just think it's wrong. The reasons are things that are far away from not fixable. It doesn't feel fare at all. I really feel like he just gave up. And that hurts. I felt like he didn't even give me a chance to come back and take it slow and actually sit down and talk about it all. It went too fast. I didn't even try to think about a decision in Sweden. It's not possible when you are not seeing the person. NO ONE is good at long distance. I would never do it more than 2-3 months. Never. I do not think relationships are meant to be like that.
Yes I simply do think he gave up something that could be fixed. And trust me, I've tried to fix fucked up things, this is NOT the same. This is another story.
But. There is nothing I can do about it now.
And it hurts. Every day. Every morning. Every night. I can hardly eat. I am tired all the time because I cry too much or I try to hold my tears back for too long. As soon as anyone asks me about it, I cry. I can not think about it. It hurts in every part of my body.
And I am not scared of being alone. That's not the thing. I was totally fine with that before I met Peter and I know that feeling. I just simply love him and miss him in my life and I do not want this to end. But it has already. I'm just trying to really understand that.
This will take lots of time to get over.
And yes.. Im crying again.