12 augusti 2014

Leaving home to go home.

2 months has passed by very quick, but also very slow.

This summer has been a roller coaster. I have gone through a lot in my head. About family, about friends, about love. I realized a lot of things that is gonna change a lot for me.
All my life, or as long as I can remember, I have struggled with some kind of separation anxiety. When it comes to work, family, friends and boyfriends. This has made me very emotional but at the same time very very closed about myself and my feelings. I do not get too close to anyone. I do not open up to anyone. Not about some specific things. I get very emotional, make things bigger than they are and then it's kind of too late to take back my actions that comes out of these feelings. My closest friends knows. They know how scary it is to me to lose anyone. That I will fight in to the latest to fix any kind of relationship. But at the same time I keep them in a distance so that IF I lose them, it's not my fault.

I have to stop this. And I will stop this. I have really realized this now. I have to change. That's how it is. I will never change who I am, but I can change how I am. And I will.
At work. With friends. With family. With Peter. With my free time. I will change this, I am already in the progress. And I have to do this alone. No one can help me. This will be inside of me mostly. I will need to talk about it, but no one will or have to do anything for me to make it easier. It's all about me and what I do and do not do with myself. I won't ask anyone to change around me or even think about that I am going through something. Im in the next step. The real "doing". You won't probably even see it. Maybe just as something positive in me that is changing. You will see.

It's interesting when I think about who I decided to hang out with the most this summer in Sweden. It's simple though. It has been those who I feel I can be myself with. 100% myself. It has been one of the best summers in a long time and still I didn't "do" much. I have just been sucking in ( and trying to give back) as much positive energy as I could.

I will say thanks to some people a little bit more than other. But all of you that have been part of my summer; Thank you!

Thank you Madde, Matilda, Paulina & Johanna. Without you this summer would have been a real struggle. For many reasons. But thanks to you guys I did not have one single day that was not worth it.

I will go back to Cape Town on Sunday with a new and fresh feeling of feeling relieved, liberated. Liberated from all those thoughts that's been in my head for years. A feeling of never been enough. I know I am enough, I just have to see it and use it and act around it. 100% me. All the time. And TRUST that that is enough. And if it is not enough. Let it go.

All Capetonians; be ready to see the real, positive, open minded, spontaneous and also a little emotional Tania. I can't wait to catch up with all of you! 

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