I hate my dreams. That they affect my thoughts, my feelings and my day as much as they do. I can't help it. The most annoying thing is that it's old stuff, old habits, old behaviour and old ME that comes out. And I really don't like that, at all. I won't blame the guys or anyone else. It's on me now. Whatever they did to me, it's up to me to be clever enough to know that it's not everyones way of doing stuff. The thing is I DO know this and I trust people so much more nowadays. And I like stuff I didn't like before, in a relationship. I think I had a good way of thinking back in the days. But one 4 year old relationship with a lot of betrayals and lies and other stuff that really did put me down very low for years killed my sense of what's normal. I'd got used to be treated like shit and thought I was the one to blame, cause that's what I was told. I always looked for guys that could like me for what I am but I always ended up to behave like they wanted me to do, because I thought my way was "wrong".
Because, the truth is; I am a little weird and I am a little crazy. But that's who I am. I can't and wont change all of that. That's me. Take it or leave it.
I have to stop thinking about things like that I'm not good enough. I have to realise that I met someone that is great. That wont tell me how to be or what to do or what to not do. I have to realise that I can be special enough for someone. That someone can think that I'm great and awesome. 3 months away from each other when we haven't even been together for long, is scary to me. It is. I'm still scared to be left alone again. But I try to think straight, logical and to not freak out. I try to tell my self that I don't have to know everything and that just because he is not answering my message I don't have to freak out. It's not all about me. But it's also not NOT about me. He likes me, he does. And I will say I'm sure he wouldn't hurt me, and I mean it. I have never been able to say that before, about anyone, and felt like I meant it and believed it.
He is great. I am great too! I have to remember that!