24 februari 2015

New year new life

It's been a while.
Didn't have much to say. Not things that I wanted to share with everyone else.

It's been tough, the last 6 months. Some of the hardest months in my life. To go through a heart break in another country, far away from my closest friends and family and "my" life, it has been really hard. Nothing to really lean back to. But I am also VERY thankful for those who has been with me, on my side and done anything they could to help me to feel better. Without them I would have been gone crazy and probably left home to Sweden. I am proud of myself to been through this and that I didn't give up and I have been dealing. With my feelings, with my issues, with my anger, with my sadness. This is why I feel ok now. I did deal with it all. I talked to people, I asked people for advice, I've got so many different sides of it and it helped. I don't believe anyone can deal with something like this alone, in their own head. You need to see it from outside, you need people to criticise, you need to wake up and stop seeing things only from your own side. Otherwise You will be stuck in your own head forever and probably also be alone forever. I normally would stay home, stay in, alone, being sad, think, cry, feel shit. And then think that I'm good. But actually I didn't do anything to see what actually happened, what went wrong, why it went wrong.

This time I did, and it's been hard. On me. And on Him. But it was needed. I need to know that I understand what went wrong, and it's also important that He knows what I think about this. If he cares or not, I am not sure, but I know that I at least tried to tell him, tried to talk to him.

And I am happy now. I am so ok. I feel alive again. I've found myself again. I am not judging anyone in this but the lifestyle I had for the last 2 years is not for me. WAY too much drinking, way too little activity and days outdoors. I mean, I am in one of the most beautiful cities in the world and I wasted so many days tired or hungover or just lazy in bed when there is so much to do in this city.

The last month I have enjoyed this city so much and next weekend I will go camping. Just tents, food, drinks and friends out of town. Simple but so nice. I also enjoy work so much more, mostly because I am not tired when I go there. And my job is not a job, it's my interest, my passion, a part of my life.. I sleep better, I eat better, I drink less, I smoke less.

I do not blame anyone else for not being "alive". I had a choice. But it's also hard to be me and do me when the other person has no interest in knowing or being with the real me while I really enjoyed his life, his friends a lot. His life was all that was interesting for him. I could have tried more, but should I have to TRY so hard? No I don't think so. No ones fault then mine. I could have stepped out way earlier but you all know, love makes you stupid ;) And oh, I did love him, more than anyone else before. I still miss him. But... I have moved on. There were things that was able to fix. It's not anymore. Not at all. It's gone and wont come back. And I am glad about that, finally.

I have learned a lot about myself the last 2,5 years and it's mostly positive. I will get out stronger, better and smarter from this whole mess.

I AM BACK and it feels great to be alive.

I just realise that TODAY it's exactly six months since the break up. Six months to feel alive again. It's not too bad if you see a whole life time. I knew I needed time. Actually more time than this. But, I've learned the biggest lesson; DEAL WITH YOUR SHIT, AND DON'T DO IT ALONE. That will help you a lot. 

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