I'm just a girl

Sometimes I'm such a fu**ing girl.
I wanna ask so much stuff, but in the same time I don't wanna know the answers. It's such a bad habit. The answers I get will be honest (thanks for that), but they will f*ck up my head. The past is the past. I should know that! It's not I've lived like a saint along the way.. But yeah, once again it's my stupid self esteem that sucks. I'm just not really used to be myself this much and still be accepted. It's great. It is! But yeah, my head is whispering "any day soon you will be boring enough to let down, to f*ck up, to leave, you know they always do that, they always find something/someone better"

But I actually know I'm amazing. Im happy, funny, nice, caring, loyal, respectful, understanding, easygoing, social/outgoing! (once again I have a problem writing anything that has to do with "cute, hot, pretty, beautiful . BUT also, I don't wanna be loved because any of those reasons. But it would be nice to FEEL like I was any of that sometimes) It's so stupid that I, 28 years old with so many friends and a great boyfriend (yes I wrote that word haha), am afraid to be left alone because people would meet anyone better. I'M FUCKING GREAT!

I hope that this text to myself can get me one step closer to REALLY feel this! And also, the people reading this, I want you to know I'm like this. Because it's very often people think I'm so strong and cool about myself and stuff like this. But I'm not, and I think you should all know that so that you don't get scared away if I break down sometimes. Even my wall is falling sometimes. It's a high wall, but yeah, it can fall..