4 maj 2015

Words. About nothing. But everything.

Life is pretty exciting.
I did just get home from Afrikaburn, which was such an amazing festival. I still do love Roskilde festival, but this was pretty close in awesomeness. Read Pags blog post about it HERE, Pags works with me at Southern Ambition and is a really great writer (and a really fucking funny person in general).

I have 1 month and 13 days left in South Africa this year. WOW. Writing that down makes it feels more real. And I have no idea how to feel about that. Not at all. A part of me says it WILL be amazing. I will have time to spend with my family and close lovely friends that I've missed so much. That I always am missing. But the other part of me starts to think about cold weather, dark days (yes it does get dark around 3-4 pm in winter) and boring weekdays. I am used to the life here now, where there is always something to do, more or less, that will make it hard to stay home even on a monday night.

Summer in Sweden is great. I truly love it. But I never have and never will like the winter. There is NOTHING that I love about it. Everything is better in summer. People are happier, days are brighter and there is so much more to do. I will only have 2 months of winter though. And I do know that I will come back here, come back HOME, with new energy and I will appreciate this place so much more. But, if I could chose... I wouldn't stay that long in the "middle milk land" (look up the word Lagom and what it means and you will know what I mean).
For those who likes football. Zlatan Imbrahimovic is everything a typical Swede is not. He is "too much". He likes himself and is proud of what he become. And he talks about it and he is just himself. But thats not how it works in Sweden. Check also the word "jantelagen" and you will understand more.

I always been very different, or, that's how I felt. I kind of got it proven the other day when my friend that knows me for 3 years now found out that my dad is from Croatia said "that explains SO much". That's based on that he met a lot of swedes here in South Africa and he never understood that I was from there, based on who I am, how I am. I am too loud, to non polite, too "much" to be a swede, they say. It's not a problem, but an interesting fact that I've always been aware of. I've always felt a bit like the weirdo. I've always been thinking to myself "If I could only shut up sometimes". But that thought is coming to my mind VERY very rarely here, bit still very often in Sweden.

Anyhow. I have no idea what I am writing about today. I just felt a need of writing some. I have had a lot of my mind the last weeks.

I do also feel like myself again. That breakup last year took everything away from me and myself. I lost myself for a good while. Even before the break up. But I am back on track again. I have moved on. At least to the part where I feel like myself again, that I need ME and not someone. I can do life alone, I did it before and loved it and I am doing it again and I am fine with that. That break up should have happened earlier, since we were not capable of seeing the solutions that were there. Then it was too late and that's when it's time to move on. I didn't see it until maybe 2 months ago. But now it's very clear. And it's such a relief. Such a good feeling.

There is even a person that has been making me feel like a nice person again. That has opened me up a bit and make me believe in myself again. I start to feel like that I am actually pretty awesome just as I am. I've missed that feeling.  I will always appreciate that person for that.

I just feel more accepted and more happy in South Africa. That's why the 6 months in Sweden scares me a bit. I do not wanna fall back to that Tania again, that I was a few years ago.

But I also know I won't. But the fear is still there and bothering me some days. Days like today when my brain is over loading on everything.

Back to Shameless, what an awesome series.

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