6 augusti 2015

Summer vibes and a lost soul

There was a time when I was very open, true and honest on this blog. But it made me fragile. To a point where I suddenly wasn't comfortable anymore. In the last years I have become more closed, more private and less "listen, I feel shit, see me, hear me" and more "life is fucking good and I need to focus on that and tell people to live their lives". I open up to a very few people and they know. I found people that can handle that I freak out sometimes, that I over think stuff and I do still have my days of feeling very very low and lost. But I do not need the WORLD to know every time.

I am not sure what changed. I think Cape Town and my job in Sweden helped me a lot.

I know I said it when I as 20. I said; " When I am older I really wanna live in a warm country when it's winter in Sweden and in Sweden during summer". Back then I didn't have the confidence to think that I would make that happen. I thought I would be the small town girl I was born and stay around and get kids and just be happy to be alive.. But something changed around 2008. I was unhappy, I lived in a sad bubble of low self esteem and a lot of anxiety and really bad periods of just "giving up on life". Then I started to study. And did an internship in Cape Town. This was 2008.
It took me another 1,5 year  and another visit to Cape Town to really wake up and to break up and leave a bad relationship and start to love and respect myself. Not again. Started.  I think I never really loved who I was before. To grow up in a small town and feel that you never really fit in, that you are weird, that you can not be YOU and also be accepted, that fucks you up a little.

There were a few people around me that made me realise that I was ok, that the way I wanted to live life was ok, that I do not have to do and be like everybody else. Being weird is ok. Being A weirdo is ok, and actually more fun than being "normal". I started to talk to other people that travels a lot, that feel that Sweden is not enough, that a need of adventure, culture changes, sun and other stuff are needed in life. I started to realise what I wanted. I remembered that thing I said when I was 20, about living in Sweden during summer and somewhere else during winter. And I started a plan to make that happen

Cape Town. The love of my life. It's been more than 7 years now since I first put my feet on South African land. Since that first time, it has never been more than 9 months between the times I've visited. And in August 2012 I could move and work, FINALLY! I knew it was the right decision. The kids. The people on the streets. The women. They got a hold of me. I could NEVER leave them and never come back. The kids especially. I've seen some of them growing up and I love them as if they were my own blood. I just can not ever leave them.

But, sacrifices were needed. I knew I was gonna leave my full time job in Sweden that I loved. A job that also made me feel that I was ME and that it was a good thing to be who I am. I could give something and I was good at something. Happy as I am I can still work there when I am home in Sweden, which I have been at least 3 months every year. This time a bit longer ( do not ask me about that yet, I am not sure at all how I feel about it... haha )

And now?
For the first time in 3 years I feel a bit lost again. I am not sure what I want or need at the moment. But I've learned one thing, and that is to not stress about it. I can not force myself to feel anything. It needs to come with time. I will see, with a few more months here, what it makes to me.

It is a little scary that I hardly miss Cape Town at the moment.
I think it scares me a bit too, Cape Town. The break up with P has not been easy and I am really not over him and I do still love him. Being in Cape Town scares me. It's a feeling about never letting go and move on. That I will always miss him if I am there. He was the biggest part of my Cape Town life for so long and I have still not adjusted to the life there, without him. But. I promise, I will not make that be in my way. I am going back in January, and I just have to deal. I know I can do it. And I will.

Cape Town is still the best place I know on this planet, so far and I do call it home, more than I call Mjölby home. That says a lot, I think!

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