What are you hiding from?

Last month had been weirder than any other month.

You confuse me so much.

Life confuses me so much.

I need to get my shit together and get motivated and happy again.

2015. Bring it on!

- I still love you more than anything

Five steps back

You know when you feel like you are progressing. You are moving forward. It all feels a little bit easier and better. The days are a bit lighter. Life feels a bit more happy again.

Then.... Then some shit happens and you are taking five steps back and it's all a fucking mess again. Your head can only think about one thing, your tears are coming way too easy again, the nights are full of shitty dreams and you lost your apetite and you don't feel like you can laugh.

I am very very TIRED of this.
I have never, ever, before experienced anything like this. I have been dealing with some shit before. But this is different. I am sad. Truly sad.

It's tiring. I am tired.

Every FUCKING morning.

Every morning I wake up with a terrible feeling inside. My brain goes nuts from dreams I have all night. I think of him EVERY morning, the first thing, when I wake up. It's fucked up. HOW can someone be so special to anyone else? How can I not be special to him anymore? HOW the hell do I get over this shit? I just wanna disappear. I'm too tired. Tired of this. And he wont understand. He never will. He is fucking ice cold and mad and angry and tired of me. It hurts. He wont give me time. He wont have time for me anymore. He doesnt care. He just lives on, moves on. I even guess he is with other girls already, having fun, while I cant even talk to another guy without being irritated if he even tries to flirt with me. I can not even think about being with someone else yet. It makes me feel sick. I do not want anyone else to touch me. Never.

I AM FUCKED UP.

OR.

I LOVE HIM.

And it sucks. He is not worth my energy. Really not. I know that deep inside. But I do feel what I do feel. And he just moves on, without me. I hate this.

Tired of crying. Tired of lost apetite. Tired of killing my brain with alcohol. TIRED.

Hittar inte orden längre

Jag måste skriva på svenska. Orden faller inte på plats på engelska. Inte när det handlar om det här. Jag letar efter ord, efter fraser, efter känslor. Jag hittar dom knappt på svenska, så på engelska är det i stort sett omöjligt.

Det har gått tre månader nu. Egentligen fyra sedan jag började förstå att något var fel på riktigt. Men tre månader sedan jag fick allt bekräftat.

Det gör fortfarande så sjukt jävla ont. Antagligen för att vi råkade umgås igen förra veckan. Sjukt dumt och väckte bara en massa känslor till liv igen. Känns som jag tagit 4 steg tillbaka i hela processen av att gå vidare.

Jag vet att jag måste gå vidare, släppa taget, bryta kontakten helt. Men jag är så orehört dålig på det. Seperationsångest.

Jag saknar honom varje dag. Varje morgon tänker jag på oss. Nästan varj kväll tänker jag på oss. Flera gången om dagen blir jag påmind om att han inte är en del av mitt liv längre. Det är så jävla jobbigt. Jag vet inte hur man kommer ifrån det. Ingen aning.

Jag är arg för att han inte vill. För att han gav upp. För att han inte ville se saker på ett annat vis. För jag vet att vi älskar varandra. Det finns fortfarande där. Han vet det. Jag vet det. Men det fungerade bara inte. Men... I mitt huvud så löser man saker, man reder upp, man försöker. Jag vet att det inte alltid fungerar så och möjligtvis så hade vi aldrig rett ut vissa av våra problem.

Kanske är det för att jag är van vid problem som har med svek att göra. Att bli sårad. Saker som man absolut inte kan lösa. Nu känns det som att vi gav upp kärlek som jag aldrig kännt förut. Respekt. Jag respekterade honom så mycket. Fortfarande när jag ser honom så blir jag varm och glad pga den personen han är. Han är så jävla konstig och märklig men på ett sätt som gör mig glad. Jag kunde vara mitt konstiga jag med honom, mitt riktiga jag.

Jag saknar det. Jag saknar honom. Varje dag.
Jag önskar att det bara kunde gå över. NU.

Dreams

For many years I have been struggling with dreams. I often dream "real" things. I woke up and don't know if it happened or not. And the feeling lasts for half the day, sometimes longer. It really affects my mood. Last night I slept like 4 hours because of a mosquito in my room. Then I dreamt a lot, because I didn't sleep that deep. So I remember the dreams better.
Can I just tell you that this is a shitty day?
Well it's friday. That's something.

Get one!

Love our clothing! Southern Ambition fucking rules. Get one! Now!

Work work work. But tonight drinks and talks. Still have a hard time being home alone. Too much time to think. I'm so glad for all the awesome friends I have in this town. It helps more than anything.

Also...

I wanna let you know I am ok. Life is fine. I do a lot of fun things and I enjoy friends and work. I feel more alive than I did in a long time. It's true, the relationship was not perfect. We had issues. Issues we should have been dealing with but not really did. Things that took up a lot of energy and made me forget a bit of MYSELF... So, I think I found new energy in all this mess and sadness, weirdly enough. I found myself again I'd say. So, I guess something good always comes out of bad things too. But, there IS a piece missing, it is. But it's not killing me. It doesn't change the fact that I am where I wanna be, I'm doing what I wanna do and I feel all ok with being 30 :)

Just wanted to say that.  

Bye

I had to say good bye to 2 people this weekend.
One because I love him too much to not have him as close as I want to.
The other one because I like him too much to not be close to him, but I am not ready for it.

I had too. It sucks but it's the only way.
I need to be strong, alone. That's it.

I will always miss him. he has no idea how much he meant to me and my life and what it is he is throwing away. No idea.

Time

It's time now.
It has to be.
I need to move on.
I need to let go.
I HAVE to.

I do still Love him. I do still Miss him. A lot.

But, there is nothing that tells me that we could fix anything now. I just need to handle this somehow.

It's hard since he refuse to communicate. When I ask "do you ever miss me?" He answers; "life doesn't wait".  I mean, what am I supposed to do with answers like that? It's been like this since the day we broke up. No answers, no normal communication. Actually it's been a little like this for 2 years. We were never on the same level of what kind of communication and attention we needed from each other. That was the reason for all our problems, they build it up, slowly without us seeing it. Both of us wanted it to work. We loved each other. We just couldn't figure out how.

And it is SAD.

Sad is the only word I have for it.

But, it's time now. I can not use more of my energy on him. I need to focus on myself, my needs, my wants, my dreams, my life.

"It seems like I left my heart outside your door" 

Step by step

It's been 2 months.
There has been some phases.

First phase: Sadness. A lot of crying. Unable to eat (lost 4 kg in 2 weeks). Big big whole inside of me. Was living like a robot; sleep, work, cry myself tired, sleep... Every day was just about to make sure I did not dig myself too deep down. Lot's of energy just to keep myself functional.

Second phase: Denial. Refused to understand. Refused to believe it was true. Tried to make him see we could still be good. Begged him to change his mind. All that stuff....

Third phase: Anger. A lot of anger. The worst phase. Said a lot of things I regret now. Pushed him further away then ever. Tried to convince myself that I do not want him at all. That it is all his fault and that he is an asshole, even if I know he isn't. I am glad this phase is over. And I hope he can forgive me for things I said and see that it wasn't "me"..

Fourth phase: This is where I am now. Starting to think a bit more rational. Understanding it was complicated. There were a lot of issues that we both started. And that the biggest problem was listening to and understanding each other. But also, I feel really sad again and I miss him in my life, a lot.

But I's also not sure what I want. Feelings are not always the same as what my brain tells me.
I just know I still love him. That's the only thing I can tell by now.
And I hate that we fucked it up when it did not have to happen.
It's too late now.

BUT, ok, I am not sad in general in life. I am ok. Life is fine. I love Cape Town and I appreciate my job and I feel like I'm getting some good routines in my life. I also feel like I got some friends back and found some new friends that is gonna be there forever.

I just miss him. That's it.

I'm wondering

... do you even miss me anymore. Is it weird for you to see me around? Would you be jelous if you saw me with another man? Do you think of me every day?
Cause I do.
I'm just wondering.. Do you miss me?
Or am I just that ex now?

Just wondering. But I won't ask. I'm scared I wont like the answer.

I miss you. I miss us. I miss it.

Open but closed

I know this is gonna kill me inside, slowly. I am gonna close up. No one will get close to me, in a LONG while. Maybe never. I'm not sure at all.

It took me about 3.5 year last time after I got heart broken and it was not like this. It was something I wanted, I needed to end it. It still hurt a lot. But I knew it was the only way. This time, I do NOT think it's the only way. I still think we could have fixed it, I really think we only needed more communication, more understanding and more willingness of letting the other person explain. That's why it sucks so much and I have no idea how to get over it, or how to ever wanna open up for anyone again. I refuse to think that he doesn't miss me anymore or that he NEVER think about it. I know he loves me somehow. He knows that I know. But he is better at pushing everything away and just pretend and move on. Good for him. For now.

I should also had known. I was his first serious relationship. Not in a while. FOREVER! I knew. But I didn't wanna think about it. I wanted to think that feelings and love and attraction and the way we had so much fun, was gonna fix it. I should have seen this coming.

2,5 year ago I ordered papers and information about how to adopt a child as a single woman. I was serious about it. I do not even feel like Im sure I want kids. If I get pregnant, that's what it is. I love children, over everything on this fucked up planet. But I do not need my own. I could easily run an orphanage and then I have all the children I need in my life. The thing about having "My own" children is only a selfish thing. Why would it matter if it's my blood or not? It's a child! And there are som many children that needs a grown up in their life. Why make new babies then?

I have no idea what I'm trying to say here and I'm seriously thinking of starting to write in swedish again so that I can really express what I'm actually trying to say here.

I do not blame myself for all of this. BUT I am struggling hard with some of my issues and I am actually scared that I will never get over these issues. It's freaking me out and closes me up even more.

Well. I am ok. I'm not dead. I am not alone. I am not bored. Life IS good otherwise.

BUT this sucks. Way too much for me to be able to smile and say "Im good" when someone's asking. My answer for the last 5 weeks has been "I'm ok...... "
That's how it is.

It's time I fix myself

It still sucks.

This is gonna be my song.

"Seems like I've left my heart outside your door"

That thing called love and my broken heart

I have been waiting to write about this here.
I still feel like I want to. I'm not the best to talk about things. Writing is much easier. And I have time to really get down what I really wanna say about things. But it has been too painful. I've started to write but just started to cry rivers and rivers...
I think I can do it now.

Things did not end up like I thought they would. Maybe I was naiv. I didn't wanna hear what he was trying to tell me. But I really didn't think it was that serious. I know the distance when I was in Sweden was bad for us. I screw things up. He did too. Bad communication and really bad listening. Two stubborn people that want things to be their way.

One big problem. My trust issues. Always had them, they have been worse than now, they have been better. We both did things to play with those trust issues. Again, stubborn and not really listening to the other person. We were in love. We just wanted the problem to go away. And they did, for a while, but then came back again. Just simply because we didn't REALLY talk about them. Not to the point where you really can understand each other and try move on and try to respect the other persons feeling. Most of the time it was all good, very good. I still think we can be good. But we lived on those moments and didn't handle what was not that good. We ran away from them.

The hardest part for me was that I really woke up in Sweden and could see my part in this much brighter. I knew I was gonna come back stronger and show that I knew now. I knew I could do it. I could start to trust and start to respect. But I never got the chance. He already gave up. He stopped trying. He started to move on, slowly. I really didn't realize that. I thought he just needed space and he got a lot of it. I mean, I was one other side of the planet.
But maybe was it just that? That I was away and he realized he was happier without me? I am not sure. While I felt I wanted him more than ever. Really felt ready to be the real me again. It truly sucks. And again that is a big communication problem.

I just know deep in my heart that I love him more than I ever felt for anyone. I never felt so relaxed and myself with anyone. I respect who he is and what he is coming from and his values about life so much. He is clever. He is funny. He is loving. He is caring. He never ever made me feel I couldn't be myself in any possible way. He is very very different from any guy I ever dated before. He is one of the few that really made me a better person, just by being there, next to me and listening to me and giving me advices. He is the rational one when I freak out. He used to get me down when I was way too "high" up..  And I know I made him open up a lot more than he ever did before. I know I showed him lots of things about things in life he never really even thought about before. I know he appreciate me a lot because of this.

I have a hard time to accept that this is what he really wants. I know he still loves me and that he still misses me. I know he knows we can be good together. But he has already moved on much more than me and he took the decision of letting me go. I know why, I do. But I just think it's wrong. The reasons are things that are far away from not fixable. It doesn't feel fare at all. I really feel like he just gave up. And that hurts.  I felt like he didn't even give me a chance to come back and take it slow and actually sit down and talk about it all. It went too fast. I didn't even try to think about a decision in Sweden. It's not possible when you are not seeing the person. NO ONE is good at long distance. I would never do it more than 2-3 months. Never. I do not think relationships are meant to be like that.
Yes I simply do think he gave up something that could be fixed. And trust me, I've tried to fix fucked up things, this is NOT the same. This is another story.

But. There is nothing I can do about it now.

And it hurts. Every day. Every morning. Every night. I can hardly eat. I am tired all the time because I cry too much or I try to hold my tears back for too long. As soon as anyone asks me about it, I cry. I can not think about it. It hurts in every part of my body.

And I am not scared of being alone. That's not the thing. I was totally fine with that before I met Peter and I know that feeling. I just simply love him and miss him in my life and I do not want this to end. But it has already. I'm just trying to really understand that.

This will take lots of time to get over.

And yes.. Im crying again.

That shit happened

One more drink and I'll go home, just one more drink and I'll go home
Cause you're not here and I've been trying this for weeks now
Just one more drink and I'll go home
One more bar on my way home, there's still one more bar on my way home.
I called some friends; they all had other things to do now,
There's still one more bar on my way home

No more thinking about you
There ain't gonna be more thinking about you
And I don't miss you, I can't even remember what you look like,
So no more thinking about you

Didn't I hear you say, you're gonna stay forever?
I think I heard you say, you're gonna stay forever?
No I'm not bitter; I just wonder how the hell you could leave me now
And I think I heard you say
You're gonna stay forever
So, one more drink and I'll go home, just one more drink and I'll go home

Cause you're not here and I've been trying this for weeks now
Just one more drink and I'll go home
Just one more drink and I'll go home

Leaving home to go home.

2 months has passed by very quick, but also very slow.

This summer has been a roller coaster. I have gone through a lot in my head. About family, about friends, about love. I realized a lot of things that is gonna change a lot for me.
All my life, or as long as I can remember, I have struggled with some kind of separation anxiety. When it comes to work, family, friends and boyfriends. This has made me very emotional but at the same time very very closed about myself and my feelings. I do not get too close to anyone. I do not open up to anyone. Not about some specific things. I get very emotional, make things bigger than they are and then it's kind of too late to take back my actions that comes out of these feelings. My closest friends knows. They know how scary it is to me to lose anyone. That I will fight in to the latest to fix any kind of relationship. But at the same time I keep them in a distance so that IF I lose them, it's not my fault.

I have to stop this. And I will stop this. I have really realized this now. I have to change. That's how it is. I will never change who I am, but I can change how I am. And I will.

At work. With friends. With family. With Peter. With my free time. I will change this, I am already in the progress. And I have to do this alone. No one can help me. This will be inside of me mostly. I will need to talk about it, but no one will or have to do anything for me to make it easier. It's all about me and what I do and do not do with myself. I won't ask anyone to change around me or even think about that I am going through something. Im in the next step. The real "doing". You won't probably even see it. Maybe just as something positive in me that is changing. You will see.

It's interesting when I think about who I decided to hang out with the most this summer in Sweden. It's simple though. It has been those who I feel I can be myself with. 100% myself. It has been one of the best summers in a long time and still I didn't "do" much. I have just been sucking in ( and trying to give back) as much positive energy as I could.

I will say thanks to some people a little bit more than other. But all of you that have been part of my summer; Thank you!

Thank you Madde, Matilda, Paulina & Johanna. Without you this summer would have been a real struggle. For many reasons. But thanks to you guys I did not have one single day that was not worth it.

I will go back to Cape Town on Sunday with a new and fresh feeling of feeling relieved, liberated. Liberated from all those thoughts that's been in my head for years. A feeling of never been enough. I know I am enough, I just have to see it and use it and act around it. 100% me. All the time. And TRUST that that is enough. And if it is not enough. Let it go.

All Capetonians; be ready to see the real, positive, open minded, spontaneous and also a little emotional Tania. I can't wait to catch up with all of you! 

Back on track

Needed a week to go low. I need that sometimes. I just need to totally break down and feel shit and think a lot to actually get back on track again. I have always worked like that. The difference now is that I know I have to get out of it. I can't stay there. I need to really go through it all in my head and make sure I know why I'm low at the moment. Before I could stay in that place for months. Depressions. I'm pretty sure I had depressions, especially in winter time in Sweden. I could not see it then. But I'm pretty sure now. My way of thinking was not healthy and I thought I was exactly how I was supposed to be, but I was way too low and sad and emotional unstable.

I also know I have to find a better way to handle stress. I'm working on it. I never had a job before that stressed me as much as my job i SA does. I love the job, I do. But it stresses the hell out of me sometimes. I'm not used to work in such an unorganised environment. I'm not used to NOT know what I am supposed to do, and to make up my own plan. I am not used to a 9-5 job! It actually stresses me out much more than to have unregular work hours. In Sweden I've always worked days/evening/nights/weekends in a mix. I'm used to have some days off in the middle of the week, or to work in the weekend or start late in the afternoon. I've worked like that since I was 19. So it's a big change for me to wake up every day at 8 and always "only" have Saturday and Sunday off.

I have a feeling that it's gonna be great from now. I can see it in front of me. I have new ideas, new thoughts and am feeling positive. I am the only onw that can really change my own life. That's how it is. Had a long skype talk with Peter last night and I got it all out. I must say, it's still very hard for me to express myself in english, when it comes to things like this. I have it all in my head in swedish and then I have to translate it in english and when I'm done I don't even remember half of what I wanted to say. Very frustrating!

The life I've chosen.

People in Sweden and South Africa often ask me "How do you do it? Don't you miss family and friends? How do you and Peter handle long distance? Are you staying in SA forever?"

For over 6 years I've known South Africa suits me. I have tried to find a way of living there. Since 2 years the dream really started to come through and this week I got my work permit. Finally. It's for real now.

I'm not good with winter. Coldness and darkness always made me depressed. I didn't see it when I was in it. But when I look back at it, it's so obvious.

But. Just because I chose this and just because it's a dream coming through it doesn't mean it's easy all the time. It's actually a every day struggle at the same time. All the questions I get make sense.

This summer I really feel it. I feel confused and lost. I feel stressed and scared. I felt for the first time "is this the right choice?" I got the work permit which means I'm "stuck" at that job. Can't change my mind. I also freak out a bit I guess because I realise how much Peter means to me. I do never wanna lose him. That is scary shit.

I do not feel "home" in Sweden as I do in Cape Town. But I do miss having family and close friends around. And work wise ... I need to make sure that my job in SA is becoming more developing for me, personally. I miss to work closer to children and to change people's life. I had way too much office hours in 2013/2014.

I guess it's impossible for anyone to understand that never tried this life, how it feels like. And I don't expect you to understand. But I do expect my friends to understand that I'm human and I do have bad days even if I'm very very happy about the life I've got. It does not help with "come on. Stop complaining. You got what you want. Chill. Be happy". That is very disrespectful. Right now I have lots on my head and it's stressing me out. But I will be fine!

Croatia

I've been VERY bad at updating.
I know. I'm in Croatia at the moment.
Back in Sweden on friday. I will try to write some more soon!

SOOoooooooooN!

Im leaving next week thursday. I have to say I am not too sad to leave this weather. Yesterday it was about 8 degrees, rain, hail, stormy weather. The worst part is that it's so fu**ing cold inside too. I am used to cold. I am from Sweden. Facts. It is cold in Sweden most of the year. But it's always warm inside. I never have to be cold inside. Here, in winter, it's cold both outside and indoor. No central heating. Cold floors. Doors and windows that are not sealed. I can sometimes feel a breeze in my room.. Brrrrrrr.

Last year I was really nervous about leaving 3 months. It felt so long. And I was scared that it would be weird for me and Peter also. We had just been dating for 6 months. This time it all feels much better. First of all, it's only 2 months. And I feel more comfortable with everything. Me, Peter, work. And I'm also REALLY looking forward to meet all the people in Sweden. Friends, family, people at work etc. And Croatia... oh... Croatia. I think that is my favourite place in the world. Not to LIVE in, but really my favourite place to visit. More relaxing place is hard to find.

So. Last days here.. I'm expecting a lot of friends, party and happiness.