Sweheheheheheden!

So. 3 weeks left today. That is SO short.

BUT, I am starting to really look forward to have some time at home. Or "home".
I see Cape Town as home and Sweden as where I grew up. Anyway..

I am looking forward to a lot of things. First, summer is gonna be awesome;

18-24 june: coming back home, seeing friends and family, celebrating midsummer ( big tradition in Sweden) and will also get back to work and that's a highlight, can't wait to meet all the staff and all the kids! Guess there will be a lot of new kids and probably much more people from Syria than last year, due to the situation in Syria.. Will be interesting. I miss to really work as a social worker full time, to really get to do stuff on a daily basis.

25-28 june: Mari is coming and we will go to Bråvalla Festival. SO MANY GREAT BANDS. Robbie Williams, Kent, Muse, Milky Chance, Rise Against, Mew and many many more.

29 june-1 july: work

2-9 july: Croatia! With SO many family members coming down at the same time. SUN, FOOD, WINE.

10 july - 28 july: work, friends, family time

28 july - 4 july : Munich! Visiting Karina. Haven't seen her in 1,5 year. And hopefully Nina will come over from Switzerland too!

As you can see, my first 2 months wont be hard to cope with :)

Then I will be on the roads from september - december. All over Sweden and maybe Norway and Denmark too. Visiting schools, universities, tourism companies etc etc. And I will visit friends everywhere. Will be fun to live in a suitcase :) The nomad in me is still alive.

YES, I am ready for this!

Afrikaburn

Afrikaburn. A festival based in the middle of nowhere in the Karoo of Northern Cape.

The only things you will get for free are toilets. Anything else you have to bring. Food, water, tent, clothes, drinks, drugs ( if you using that stuff eeeerhm..) showers (for pussies!)..

 You can not buy anything on the spot, if you run out there is only one way; trading. I got short of cigarettes quick because I was very friendly the first night and gave a lot away. I had to come up with an idea so I had a lot of lollipops to trade and it worked :)

Afrikaburn has no payed artists, no real stages. Everything is basically just brought there and anyone can do anything. Lot's of the camps have different themes and you can book your own camp in beforehand and be part of the map. Amazing way to reach out to people with your music, art, comedy or anything else! All the wooden art work get burnt down in the dark evenings. People have planned for this for a year and the art you get to see is amazing!

 I didn't know what to expect before we went there. Southern Ambition brought about 125 students, mostly americans, but it was very smooth actually. They were all as excited as I was so we all just wanted things to get done quick so we could start to explore the area. And oh, there was so much to explore, I didn't even manage to see half of it I think, in 3 days. But I had such a lovely time and I will go back, for sure!

 I have no words to explain this, at least not in my lame english. It's just a beautiful place, with super nice people and lots of cool art in all ways. Check out the pictures!

Words. About nothing. But everything.

So.
Life is pretty exciting.
I did just get home from Afrikaburn, which was such an amazing festival. I still do love Roskilde festival, but this was pretty close in awesomeness. Read Pags blog post about it HERE, Pags works with me at Southern Ambition and is a really great writer (and a really fucking funny person in general).

I have 1 month and 13 days left in South Africa this year. WOW. Writing that down makes it feels more real. And I have no idea how to feel about that. Not at all. A part of me says it WILL be amazing. I will have time to spend with my family and close lovely friends that I've missed so much. That I always am missing. But the other part of me starts to think about cold weather, dark days (yes it does get dark around 3-4 pm in winter) and boring weekdays. I am used to the life here now, where there is always something to do, more or less, that will make it hard to stay home even on a monday night.

Summer in Sweden is great. I truly love it. But I never have and never will like the winter. There is NOTHING that I love about it. Everything is better in summer. People are happier, days are brighter and there is so much more to do. I will only have 2 months of winter though. And I do know that I will come back here, come back HOME, with new energy and I will appreciate this place so much more. But, if I could chose... I wouldn't stay that long in the "middle milk land" (look up the word Lagom and what it means and you will know what I mean).
For those who likes football. Zlatan Imbrahimovic is everything a typical Swede is not. He is "too much". He likes himself and is proud of what he become. And he talks about it and he is just himself. But thats not how it works in Sweden. Check also the word "jantelagen" and you will understand more.

I always been very different, or, that's how I felt. I kind of got it proven the other day when my friend that knows me for 3 years now found out that my dad is from Croatia said "that explains SO much". That's based on that he met a lot of swedes here in South Africa and he never understood that I was from there, based on who I am, how I am. I am too loud, to non polite, too "much" to be a swede, they say. It's not a problem, but an interesting fact that I've always been aware of. I've always felt a bit like the weirdo. I've always been thinking to myself "If I could only shut up sometimes". But that thought is coming to my mind VERY very rarely here, bit still very often in Sweden.

Anyhow. I have no idea what I am writing about today. I just felt a need of writing some. I have had a lot of my mind the last weeks.

I do also feel like myself again. That breakup last year took everything away from me and myself. I lost myself for a good while. Even before the break up. But I am back on track again. I have moved on. At least to the part where I feel like myself again, that I need ME and not someone. I can do life alone, I did it before and loved it and I am doing it again and I am fine with that. That break up should have happened earlier, since we were not capable of seeing the solutions that were there. Then it was too late and that's when it's time to move on. I didn't see it until maybe 2 months ago. But now it's very clear. And it's such a relief. Such a good feeling.

There is even a person that has been making me feel like a nice person again. That has opened me up a bit and make me believe in myself again. I start to feel like that I am actually pretty awesome just as I am. I've missed that feeling.  I will always appreciate that person for that.

I just feel more accepted and more happy in South Africa. That's why the 6 months in Sweden scares me a bit. I do not wanna fall back to that Tania again, that I was a few years ago.

But I also know I won't. But the fear is still there and bothering me some days. Days like today when my brain is over loading on everything.

Back to Shameless, what an awesome series.

Say No To Xenophobia

In Sweden we have a lot of problems with xenophobia.
Mostly based on lack of knowledge. Or, if you ask me, a lot of stupidity and mostly selfishness.

In Sweden we have everything. Seriously, compared with most places on this planet, we have everything. Free School for 12 years, free food in school, free university, a social welfare system that makes it almost impossible to end up living on the streets, free health care, a very good public transport system, a high minimum wage, months of parental leave for both parents, very cheap daycare for children, cheap insurances and much more that makes life very easy to live, if you think about it.

We have enough to share, we have enough to take care of those running away from war, starvation, homophobia, dictatorships and other terrible stuff. We pay high taxes, yes, but that makes this possible. To help people that has no other choice than running from their home, their families and friends. No one WANTS to run away. No one wants to spend 3 months under a truck through Europe or on a small boat crossing the Mediterranean sea (with a high possibility of drowning). It's not a choice. It's the only way to maybe survive and give you children a future. Children that have no choice of where they are born. I am just LUCKY that I was born in Sweden with all these privileges it gives me.

I think we should all take a look at our selves and what we are complaining about. Concider yourself very very lucky and be humble and move on. Do not say that people from Somalia just come to Sweden and live on our tax money before you tried to understand where they come from. Someone that comes from a country without a working system (they got their first ATM EVER last year), with no schools, no government and no rules won't get into the swedish culture in a month or two. Would YOU be able to live like them if you had to move there tomorrow? Would you drop all your swedish traditions? Would you never speak swedish again with your friends? wouldn't you like to stay close to your family and friends?

Yes, maybe you do not wanna share, maybe you think we will lose all those great things if too many refugees comes to Sweden. Let me tell you shortly; It's not happening, I wont bring all the facts here, you can google it yourself. It is NOT affecting us to loose all that we have. We are ok! We will stay ok! Check the facts. The real ones.

Why I bring this up?
Because something terrible is going on in South Africa at the moment. South Africans are burning people alive, based on exactly this. Xenophobia. The thoughts are the same as I see a lot in Sweden; "they come here and they take our jobs".
Yes, South Africa has a way bigger problem with unemployment, I am aware of this. BUT, this has nothing to do with the fact that people are doing what they are doing now.
How can people, that live in a country that was ruled under Apartheid less then 30 years ago do this to other people? I am very very confused, upset, angry. WHAT are people thinking? How can anyone feel the right to abuse someone, even kill someone based in this?

I am just sad. People in SA should stand up and unite and make sure this wont continue for long.
Also, where the F**K is Zuma? Where is he now, why is he quit. Mr President, shame on you.

A pic from our office to stand behind Human Rights:

6 months in Sweden

So, it happens to be that I will be in Sweden for 6 months this year. It's very exciting and also very scary. It's WAY out of my comfort zone, for sure. But I am pretty sure that what doesn't kill us really makes us stronger. I think Cape Town showed me how to make every situation the best as possible and that it's actually up to me to make sure I am happy. I will not be that bored and depressed in Swedish winter this time as I would a few years back. There is always things to do to feel better.

It's not that I dislike Sweden. It's just that it's not "home" anymore. Not as much as Cape Town is home. It will be some days when I will struggle hard with the cultural differences and yeah, the weather in november/december :) But I will also have so much fun!

TIME TO MAKE LIFE AWESOME AGAIN!

The More About Nothing Show

It's really really weird to watch myself on video. My first thought was "I look like dad! And like my brother!" Anyway, a nice relaxed interview basically about what I do here in Cape Town and some thoughts about kids here compared with kids back home in Sweden.

 

New year new life

It's been a while.
Didn't have much to say. Not things that I wanted to share with everyone else.

It's been tough, the last 6 months. Some of the hardest months in my life. To go through a heart break in another country, far away from my closest friends and family and "my" life, it has been really hard. Nothing to really lean back to. But I am also VERY thankful for those who has been with me, on my side and done anything they could to help me to feel better. Without them I would have been gone crazy and probably left home to Sweden. I am proud of myself to been through this and that I didn't give up and I have been dealing. With my feelings, with my issues, with my anger, with my sadness. This is why I feel ok now. I did deal with it all. I talked to people, I asked people for advice, I've got so many different sides of it and it helped. I don't believe anyone can deal with something like this alone, in their own head. You need to see it from outside, you need people to criticise, you need to wake up and stop seeing things only from your own side. Otherwise You will be stuck in your own head forever and probably also be alone forever. I normally would stay home, stay in, alone, being sad, think, cry, feel shit. And then think that I'm good. But actually I didn't do anything to see what actually happened, what went wrong, why it went wrong.

This time I did, and it's been hard. On me. And on Him. But it was needed. I need to know that I understand what went wrong, and it's also important that He knows what I think about this. If he cares or not, I am not sure, but I know that I at least tried to tell him, tried to talk to him.

And I am happy now. I am so ok. I feel alive again. I've found myself again. I am not judging anyone in this but the lifestyle I had for the last 2 years is not for me. WAY too much drinking, way too little activity and days outdoors. I mean, I am in one of the most beautiful cities in the world and I wasted so many days tired or hungover or just lazy in bed when there is so much to do in this city.

The last month I have enjoyed this city so much and next weekend I will go camping. Just tents, food, drinks and friends out of town. Simple but so nice. I also enjoy work so much more, mostly because I am not tired when I go there. And my job is not a job, it's my interest, my passion, a part of my life.. I sleep better, I eat better, I drink less, I smoke less.

I do not blame anyone else for not being "alive". I had a choice. But it's also hard to be me and do me when the other person has no interest in knowing or being with the real me while I really enjoyed his life, his friends a lot. His life was all that was interesting for him. I could have tried more, but should I have to TRY so hard? No I don't think so. No ones fault then mine. I could have stepped out way earlier but you all know, love makes you stupid ;) And oh, I did love him, more than anyone else before. I still miss him. But... I have moved on. There were things that was able to fix. It's not anymore. Not at all. It's gone and wont come back. And I am glad about that, finally.

I have learned a lot about myself the last 2,5 years and it's mostly positive. I will get out stronger, better and smarter from this whole mess.


I AM BACK and it feels great to be alive.


I just realise that TODAY it's exactly six months since the break up. Six months to feel alive again. It's not too bad if you see a whole life time. I knew I needed time. Actually more time than this. But, I've learned the biggest lesson; DEAL WITH YOUR SHIT, AND DON'T DO IT ALONE. That will help you a lot. 

What are you hiding from?

Last month had been weirder than any other month.

You confuse me so much.

Life confuses me so much.

I need to get my shit together and get motivated and happy again.

2015. Bring it on!

- I still love you more than anything

Five steps back

You know when you feel like you are progressing. You are moving forward. It all feels a little bit easier and better. The days are a bit lighter. Life feels a bit more happy again.

Then.... Then some shit happens and you are taking five steps back and it's all a fucking mess again. Your head can only think about one thing, your tears are coming way too easy again, the nights are full of shitty dreams and you lost your apetite and you don't feel like you can laugh.

I am very very TIRED of this.
I have never, ever, before experienced anything like this. I have been dealing with some shit before. But this is different. I am sad. Truly sad.

It's tiring. I am tired.

Every FUCKING morning.

Every morning I wake up with a terrible feeling inside. My brain goes nuts from dreams I have all night. I think of him EVERY morning, the first thing, when I wake up. It's fucked up. HOW can someone be so special to anyone else? How can I not be special to him anymore? HOW the hell do I get over this shit? I just wanna disappear. I'm too tired. Tired of this. And he wont understand. He never will. He is fucking ice cold and mad and angry and tired of me. It hurts. He wont give me time. He wont have time for me anymore. He doesnt care. He just lives on, moves on. I even guess he is with other girls already, having fun, while I cant even talk to another guy without being irritated if he even tries to flirt with me. I can not even think about being with someone else yet. It makes me feel sick. I do not want anyone else to touch me. Never.

I AM FUCKED UP.

OR.

I LOVE HIM.

And it sucks. He is not worth my energy. Really not. I know that deep inside. But I do feel what I do feel. And he just moves on, without me. I hate this.

Tired of crying. Tired of lost apetite. Tired of killing my brain with alcohol. TIRED.

Hittar inte orden längre

Jag måste skriva på svenska. Orden faller inte på plats på engelska. Inte när det handlar om det här. Jag letar efter ord, efter fraser, efter känslor. Jag hittar dom knappt på svenska, så på engelska är det i stort sett omöjligt.

Det har gått tre månader nu. Egentligen fyra sedan jag började förstå att något var fel på riktigt. Men tre månader sedan jag fick allt bekräftat.

Det gör fortfarande så sjukt jävla ont. Antagligen för att vi råkade umgås igen förra veckan. Sjukt dumt och väckte bara en massa känslor till liv igen. Känns som jag tagit 4 steg tillbaka i hela processen av att gå vidare.

Jag vet att jag måste gå vidare, släppa taget, bryta kontakten helt. Men jag är så orehört dålig på det. Seperationsångest.

Jag saknar honom varje dag. Varje morgon tänker jag på oss. Nästan varj kväll tänker jag på oss. Flera gången om dagen blir jag påmind om att han inte är en del av mitt liv längre. Det är så jävla jobbigt. Jag vet inte hur man kommer ifrån det. Ingen aning.

Jag är arg för att han inte vill. För att han gav upp. För att han inte ville se saker på ett annat vis. För jag vet att vi älskar varandra. Det finns fortfarande där. Han vet det. Jag vet det. Men det fungerade bara inte. Men... I mitt huvud så löser man saker, man reder upp, man försöker. Jag vet att det inte alltid fungerar så och möjligtvis så hade vi aldrig rett ut vissa av våra problem.

Kanske är det för att jag är van vid problem som har med svek att göra. Att bli sårad. Saker som man absolut inte kan lösa. Nu känns det som att vi gav upp kärlek som jag aldrig kännt förut. Respekt. Jag respekterade honom så mycket. Fortfarande när jag ser honom så blir jag varm och glad pga den personen han är. Han är så jävla konstig och märklig men på ett sätt som gör mig glad. Jag kunde vara mitt konstiga jag med honom, mitt riktiga jag.

Jag saknar det. Jag saknar honom. Varje dag.
Jag önskar att det bara kunde gå över. NU.

Dreams

For many years I have been struggling with dreams. I often dream "real" things. I woke up and don't know if it happened or not. And the feeling lasts for half the day, sometimes longer. It really affects my mood. Last night I slept like 4 hours because of a mosquito in my room. Then I dreamt a lot, because I didn't sleep that deep. So I remember the dreams better.
Can I just tell you that this is a shitty day?
Well it's friday. That's something.

Get one!

Love our clothing! Southern Ambition fucking rules. Get one! Now!

Work work work. But tonight drinks and talks. Still have a hard time being home alone. Too much time to think. I'm so glad for all the awesome friends I have in this town. It helps more than anything.

Also...

I wanna let you know I am ok. Life is fine. I do a lot of fun things and I enjoy friends and work. I feel more alive than I did in a long time. It's true, the relationship was not perfect. We had issues. Issues we should have been dealing with but not really did. Things that took up a lot of energy and made me forget a bit of MYSELF... So, I think I found new energy in all this mess and sadness, weirdly enough. I found myself again I'd say. So, I guess something good always comes out of bad things too. But, there IS a piece missing, it is. But it's not killing me. It doesn't change the fact that I am where I wanna be, I'm doing what I wanna do and I feel all ok with being 30 :)

Just wanted to say that.  

Bye

I had to say good bye to 2 people this weekend.
One because I love him too much to not have him as close as I want to.
The other one because I like him too much to not be close to him, but I am not ready for it.

I had too. It sucks but it's the only way.
I need to be strong, alone. That's it.

I will always miss him. he has no idea how much he meant to me and my life and what it is he is throwing away. No idea.

Time

It's time now.
It has to be.
I need to move on.
I need to let go.
I HAVE to.

I do still Love him. I do still Miss him. A lot.

But, there is nothing that tells me that we could fix anything now. I just need to handle this somehow.

It's hard since he refuse to communicate. When I ask "do you ever miss me?" He answers; "life doesn't wait".  I mean, what am I supposed to do with answers like that? It's been like this since the day we broke up. No answers, no normal communication. Actually it's been a little like this for 2 years. We were never on the same level of what kind of communication and attention we needed from each other. That was the reason for all our problems, they build it up, slowly without us seeing it. Both of us wanted it to work. We loved each other. We just couldn't figure out how.

And it is SAD.

Sad is the only word I have for it.

But, it's time now. I can not use more of my energy on him. I need to focus on myself, my needs, my wants, my dreams, my life.

"It seems like I left my heart outside your door" 

Step by step

It's been 2 months.
There has been some phases.

First phase: Sadness. A lot of crying. Unable to eat (lost 4 kg in 2 weeks). Big big whole inside of me. Was living like a robot; sleep, work, cry myself tired, sleep... Every day was just about to make sure I did not dig myself too deep down. Lot's of energy just to keep myself functional.

Second phase: Denial. Refused to understand. Refused to believe it was true. Tried to make him see we could still be good. Begged him to change his mind. All that stuff....

Third phase: Anger. A lot of anger. The worst phase. Said a lot of things I regret now. Pushed him further away then ever. Tried to convince myself that I do not want him at all. That it is all his fault and that he is an asshole, even if I know he isn't. I am glad this phase is over. And I hope he can forgive me for things I said and see that it wasn't "me"..

Fourth phase: This is where I am now. Starting to think a bit more rational. Understanding it was complicated. There were a lot of issues that we both started. And that the biggest problem was listening to and understanding each other. But also, I feel really sad again and I miss him in my life, a lot.

But I's also not sure what I want. Feelings are not always the same as what my brain tells me.
I just know I still love him. That's the only thing I can tell by now.
And I hate that we fucked it up when it did not have to happen.
It's too late now.

BUT, ok, I am not sad in general in life. I am ok. Life is fine. I love Cape Town and I appreciate my job and I feel like I'm getting some good routines in my life. I also feel like I got some friends back and found some new friends that is gonna be there forever.

I just miss him. That's it.

I'm wondering

... do you even miss me anymore. Is it weird for you to see me around? Would you be jelous if you saw me with another man? Do you think of me every day?
Cause I do.
I'm just wondering.. Do you miss me?
Or am I just that ex now?

Just wondering. But I won't ask. I'm scared I wont like the answer.

I miss you. I miss us. I miss it.

Open but closed

I know this is gonna kill me inside, slowly. I am gonna close up. No one will get close to me, in a LONG while. Maybe never. I'm not sure at all.

It took me about 3.5 year last time after I got heart broken and it was not like this. It was something I wanted, I needed to end it. It still hurt a lot. But I knew it was the only way. This time, I do NOT think it's the only way. I still think we could have fixed it, I really think we only needed more communication, more understanding and more willingness of letting the other person explain. That's why it sucks so much and I have no idea how to get over it, or how to ever wanna open up for anyone again. I refuse to think that he doesn't miss me anymore or that he NEVER think about it. I know he loves me somehow. He knows that I know. But he is better at pushing everything away and just pretend and move on. Good for him. For now.

I should also had known. I was his first serious relationship. Not in a while. FOREVER! I knew. But I didn't wanna think about it. I wanted to think that feelings and love and attraction and the way we had so much fun, was gonna fix it. I should have seen this coming.

2,5 year ago I ordered papers and information about how to adopt a child as a single woman. I was serious about it. I do not even feel like Im sure I want kids. If I get pregnant, that's what it is. I love children, over everything on this fucked up planet. But I do not need my own. I could easily run an orphanage and then I have all the children I need in my life. The thing about having "My own" children is only a selfish thing. Why would it matter if it's my blood or not? It's a child! And there are som many children that needs a grown up in their life. Why make new babies then?

I have no idea what I'm trying to say here and I'm seriously thinking of starting to write in swedish again so that I can really express what I'm actually trying to say here.

I do not blame myself for all of this. BUT I am struggling hard with some of my issues and I am actually scared that I will never get over these issues. It's freaking me out and closes me up even more.

Well. I am ok. I'm not dead. I am not alone. I am not bored. Life IS good otherwise.

BUT this sucks. Way too much for me to be able to smile and say "Im good" when someone's asking. My answer for the last 5 weeks has been "I'm ok...... "
That's how it is.

It's time I fix myself

It still sucks.

This is gonna be my song.

"Seems like I've left my heart outside your door"