Summer vibes and a lost soul

There was a time when I was very open, true and honest on this blog. But it made me fragile. To a point where I suddenly wasn't comfortable anymore. In the last years I have become more closed, more private and less "listen, I feel shit, see me, hear me" and more "life is fucking good and I need to focus on that and tell people to live their lives". I open up to a very few people and they know. I found people that can handle that I freak out sometimes, that I over think stuff and I do still have my days of feeling very very low and lost. But I do not need the WORLD to know every time.

I am not sure what changed. I think Cape Town and my job in Sweden helped me a lot.

I know I said it when I as 20. I said; " When I am older I really wanna live in a warm country when it's winter in Sweden and in Sweden during summer". Back then I didn't have the confidence to think that I would make that happen. I thought I would be the small town girl I was born and stay around and get kids and just be happy to be alive.. But something changed around 2008. I was unhappy, I lived in a sad bubble of low self esteem and a lot of anxiety and really bad periods of just "giving up on life". Then I started to study. And did an internship in Cape Town. This was 2008.
It took me another 1,5 year  and another visit to Cape Town to really wake up and to break up and leave a bad relationship and start to love and respect myself. Not again. Started.  I think I never really loved who I was before. To grow up in a small town and feel that you never really fit in, that you are weird, that you can not be YOU and also be accepted, that fucks you up a little.

There were a few people around me that made me realise that I was ok, that the way I wanted to live life was ok, that I do not have to do and be like everybody else. Being weird is ok. Being A weirdo is ok, and actually more fun than being "normal". I started to talk to other people that travels a lot, that feel that Sweden is not enough, that a need of adventure, culture changes, sun and other stuff are needed in life. I started to realise what I wanted. I remembered that thing I said when I was 20, about living in Sweden during summer and somewhere else during winter. And I started a plan to make that happen

Cape Town. The love of my life. It's been more than 7 years now since I first put my feet on South African land. Since that first time, it has never been more than 9 months between the times I've visited. And in August 2012 I could move and work, FINALLY! I knew it was the right decision. The kids. The people on the streets. The women. They got a hold of me. I could NEVER leave them and never come back. The kids especially. I've seen some of them growing up and I love them as if they were my own blood. I just can not ever leave them.

But, sacrifices were needed. I knew I was gonna leave my full time job in Sweden that I loved. A job that also made me feel that I was ME and that it was a good thing to be who I am. I could give something and I was good at something. Happy as I am I can still work there when I am home in Sweden, which I have been at least 3 months every year. This time a bit longer ( do not ask me about that yet, I am not sure at all how I feel about it... haha )

And now?
For the first time in 3 years I feel a bit lost again. I am not sure what I want or need at the moment. But I've learned one thing, and that is to not stress about it. I can not force myself to feel anything. It needs to come with time. I will see, with a few more months here, what it makes to me.

It is a little scary that I hardly miss Cape Town at the moment.
I think it scares me a bit too, Cape Town. The break up with P has not been easy and I am really not over him and I do still love him. Being in Cape Town scares me. It's a feeling about never letting go and move on. That I will always miss him if I am there. He was the biggest part of my Cape Town life for so long and I have still not adjusted to the life there, without him. But. I promise, I will not make that be in my way. I am going back in January, and I just have to deal. I know I can do it. And I will.

Cape Town is still the best place I know on this planet, so far and I do call it home, more than I call Mjölby home. That says a lot, I think!

Life in a bag and a laptop

Since I left Cape Town 17th of June I have been around and about a lot. I have had zero/nada/none single day with just staying home and doing nothing. There has always been a meeting or work or a trip somewhere. I am still going on like that until the end of August. And then most of the fall too..

Restless Soul on the Roads.

Home. Right now home is with my mum in my hometown Mjölby. A city with 14 000 people. Yes, most people know each other or at least recognise you if you are around the same age. I really do not care though. I have my own room, fast wifi and homemade food. What more do you need? :) I do not have time to do much more than sleep anyway.

Work. For you who doesn't know; I am working at a home for refugee youth. They are 16-18 years old and coming alone as refugees from different countries. Most common countries are Afghanistan, Somalia, Eritrea and Syria. We are their family. 24/7 we are around and we help them with anything you can imagine a teenager needs help with, + a lot of personal stuff and things to deal with, coming from places that are very different from Sweden.. I love it. It's my place, it's what I'm good at, what I wanna do. It is important I get a touch of this every year. It refills me with some great energy and self esteem.

I wanna write so much more, but once again a whole day is gone in emails and chats and meeting.. So Im our, need a brake from the screen. My laptop is my best friend, I guess, no one or no thing is spending more time with me... :)

Over and out!

I'm leaving on a jet plane but I DO know when I'm back again

I also use to say "Cape Town I love you, but you're bringing me down" 

I love this city but I am ready for Sweden now.

“South Africa is a place of spirit-distorting paradox, a land with a bipolar disorder that swings you from joy to despair in the space of a heartbeat. It twists your arm behind your back and ties your sanity in a knot. It bullies you until you’ve forged your opinion on politics, crime, AIDS, the state of the roads, the economy or the politicians.

It’s not for the wishy washy or the fence sitters. It demands you know who you are and what you stand for. It keeps you fit, on your toes and looking over your shoulder. It steals your purse and holds your soul ransom. As much as I was, at times, on the edge of sanity living there, I was also stimulated, driven and felt bungy-jumpingly alive. The shades of happiness and fear mottled. I knew that leaving, like chemotherapy, would kill off the best things in my life as well as the worst.”

- Joanne Fedler

Afrikaburn and some other stuff

My friend Mari did this awesome video from her last visit to Cape Town.

I love it.

TVÅ VECKOR!

2 weeks left. GEEZ I am starting to freak out. Haha. I always do.
But it will be FUN. But I will miss some people a LOT.

Janilla, Hanna, Weronika, Katha, CJ, Martyn, Jon, Bub, Kurt, Gino, David, Alejandra and many more that have become to mean so much to me the last year.
I think Janilla knows me better than anyone in this world actually. There has been some rough times in my life and she was there, all the time. Thanks Janilla for feeding me and drinking wine with me when it was needed the most :)

Anyway, can not wait to get away from wind and rain and get some sun again.

Sweheheheheheden!

So. 3 weeks left today. That is SO short.

BUT, I am starting to really look forward to have some time at home. Or "home".
I see Cape Town as home and Sweden as where I grew up. Anyway..

I am looking forward to a lot of things. First, summer is gonna be awesome;

18-24 june: coming back home, seeing friends and family, celebrating midsummer ( big tradition in Sweden) and will also get back to work and that's a highlight, can't wait to meet all the staff and all the kids! Guess there will be a lot of new kids and probably much more people from Syria than last year, due to the situation in Syria.. Will be interesting. I miss to really work as a social worker full time, to really get to do stuff on a daily basis.

25-28 june: Mari is coming and we will go to Bråvalla Festival. SO MANY GREAT BANDS. Robbie Williams, Kent, Muse, Milky Chance, Rise Against, Mew and many many more.

29 june-1 july: work

2-9 july: Croatia! With SO many family members coming down at the same time. SUN, FOOD, WINE.

10 july - 28 july: work, friends, family time

28 july - 4 july : Munich! Visiting Karina. Haven't seen her in 1,5 year. And hopefully Nina will come over from Switzerland too!

As you can see, my first 2 months wont be hard to cope with :)

Then I will be on the roads from september - december. All over Sweden and maybe Norway and Denmark too. Visiting schools, universities, tourism companies etc etc. And I will visit friends everywhere. Will be fun to live in a suitcase :) The nomad in me is still alive.

YES, I am ready for this!

Afrikaburn

Afrikaburn. A festival based in the middle of nowhere in the Karoo of Northern Cape.

The only things you will get for free are toilets. Anything else you have to bring. Food, water, tent, clothes, drinks, drugs ( if you using that stuff eeeerhm..) showers (for pussies!)..

 You can not buy anything on the spot, if you run out there is only one way; trading. I got short of cigarettes quick because I was very friendly the first night and gave a lot away. I had to come up with an idea so I had a lot of lollipops to trade and it worked :)

Afrikaburn has no payed artists, no real stages. Everything is basically just brought there and anyone can do anything. Lot's of the camps have different themes and you can book your own camp in beforehand and be part of the map. Amazing way to reach out to people with your music, art, comedy or anything else! All the wooden art work get burnt down in the dark evenings. People have planned for this for a year and the art you get to see is amazing!

 I didn't know what to expect before we went there. Southern Ambition brought about 125 students, mostly americans, but it was very smooth actually. They were all as excited as I was so we all just wanted things to get done quick so we could start to explore the area. And oh, there was so much to explore, I didn't even manage to see half of it I think, in 3 days. But I had such a lovely time and I will go back, for sure!

 I have no words to explain this, at least not in my lame english. It's just a beautiful place, with super nice people and lots of cool art in all ways. Check out the pictures!

Words. About nothing. But everything.

So.
Life is pretty exciting.
I did just get home from Afrikaburn, which was such an amazing festival. I still do love Roskilde festival, but this was pretty close in awesomeness. Read Pags blog post about it HERE, Pags works with me at Southern Ambition and is a really great writer (and a really fucking funny person in general).

I have 1 month and 13 days left in South Africa this year. WOW. Writing that down makes it feels more real. And I have no idea how to feel about that. Not at all. A part of me says it WILL be amazing. I will have time to spend with my family and close lovely friends that I've missed so much. That I always am missing. But the other part of me starts to think about cold weather, dark days (yes it does get dark around 3-4 pm in winter) and boring weekdays. I am used to the life here now, where there is always something to do, more or less, that will make it hard to stay home even on a monday night.

Summer in Sweden is great. I truly love it. But I never have and never will like the winter. There is NOTHING that I love about it. Everything is better in summer. People are happier, days are brighter and there is so much more to do. I will only have 2 months of winter though. And I do know that I will come back here, come back HOME, with new energy and I will appreciate this place so much more. But, if I could chose... I wouldn't stay that long in the "middle milk land" (look up the word Lagom and what it means and you will know what I mean).
For those who likes football. Zlatan Imbrahimovic is everything a typical Swede is not. He is "too much". He likes himself and is proud of what he become. And he talks about it and he is just himself. But thats not how it works in Sweden. Check also the word "jantelagen" and you will understand more.

I always been very different, or, that's how I felt. I kind of got it proven the other day when my friend that knows me for 3 years now found out that my dad is from Croatia said "that explains SO much". That's based on that he met a lot of swedes here in South Africa and he never understood that I was from there, based on who I am, how I am. I am too loud, to non polite, too "much" to be a swede, they say. It's not a problem, but an interesting fact that I've always been aware of. I've always felt a bit like the weirdo. I've always been thinking to myself "If I could only shut up sometimes". But that thought is coming to my mind VERY very rarely here, bit still very often in Sweden.

Anyhow. I have no idea what I am writing about today. I just felt a need of writing some. I have had a lot of my mind the last weeks.

I do also feel like myself again. That breakup last year took everything away from me and myself. I lost myself for a good while. Even before the break up. But I am back on track again. I have moved on. At least to the part where I feel like myself again, that I need ME and not someone. I can do life alone, I did it before and loved it and I am doing it again and I am fine with that. That break up should have happened earlier, since we were not capable of seeing the solutions that were there. Then it was too late and that's when it's time to move on. I didn't see it until maybe 2 months ago. But now it's very clear. And it's such a relief. Such a good feeling.

There is even a person that has been making me feel like a nice person again. That has opened me up a bit and make me believe in myself again. I start to feel like that I am actually pretty awesome just as I am. I've missed that feeling.  I will always appreciate that person for that.

I just feel more accepted and more happy in South Africa. That's why the 6 months in Sweden scares me a bit. I do not wanna fall back to that Tania again, that I was a few years ago.

But I also know I won't. But the fear is still there and bothering me some days. Days like today when my brain is over loading on everything.

Back to Shameless, what an awesome series.

Say No To Xenophobia

In Sweden we have a lot of problems with xenophobia.
Mostly based on lack of knowledge. Or, if you ask me, a lot of stupidity and mostly selfishness.

In Sweden we have everything. Seriously, compared with most places on this planet, we have everything. Free School for 12 years, free food in school, free university, a social welfare system that makes it almost impossible to end up living on the streets, free health care, a very good public transport system, a high minimum wage, months of parental leave for both parents, very cheap daycare for children, cheap insurances and much more that makes life very easy to live, if you think about it.

We have enough to share, we have enough to take care of those running away from war, starvation, homophobia, dictatorships and other terrible stuff. We pay high taxes, yes, but that makes this possible. To help people that has no other choice than running from their home, their families and friends. No one WANTS to run away. No one wants to spend 3 months under a truck through Europe or on a small boat crossing the Mediterranean sea (with a high possibility of drowning). It's not a choice. It's the only way to maybe survive and give you children a future. Children that have no choice of where they are born. I am just LUCKY that I was born in Sweden with all these privileges it gives me.

I think we should all take a look at our selves and what we are complaining about. Concider yourself very very lucky and be humble and move on. Do not say that people from Somalia just come to Sweden and live on our tax money before you tried to understand where they come from. Someone that comes from a country without a working system (they got their first ATM EVER last year), with no schools, no government and no rules won't get into the swedish culture in a month or two. Would YOU be able to live like them if you had to move there tomorrow? Would you drop all your swedish traditions? Would you never speak swedish again with your friends? wouldn't you like to stay close to your family and friends?

Yes, maybe you do not wanna share, maybe you think we will lose all those great things if too many refugees comes to Sweden. Let me tell you shortly; It's not happening, I wont bring all the facts here, you can google it yourself. It is NOT affecting us to loose all that we have. We are ok! We will stay ok! Check the facts. The real ones.

Why I bring this up?
Because something terrible is going on in South Africa at the moment. South Africans are burning people alive, based on exactly this. Xenophobia. The thoughts are the same as I see a lot in Sweden; "they come here and they take our jobs".
Yes, South Africa has a way bigger problem with unemployment, I am aware of this. BUT, this has nothing to do with the fact that people are doing what they are doing now.
How can people, that live in a country that was ruled under Apartheid less then 30 years ago do this to other people? I am very very confused, upset, angry. WHAT are people thinking? How can anyone feel the right to abuse someone, even kill someone based in this?

I am just sad. People in SA should stand up and unite and make sure this wont continue for long.
Also, where the F**K is Zuma? Where is he now, why is he quit. Mr President, shame on you.

A pic from our office to stand behind Human Rights:

6 months in Sweden

So, it happens to be that I will be in Sweden for 6 months this year. It's very exciting and also very scary. It's WAY out of my comfort zone, for sure. But I am pretty sure that what doesn't kill us really makes us stronger. I think Cape Town showed me how to make every situation the best as possible and that it's actually up to me to make sure I am happy. I will not be that bored and depressed in Swedish winter this time as I would a few years back. There is always things to do to feel better.

It's not that I dislike Sweden. It's just that it's not "home" anymore. Not as much as Cape Town is home. It will be some days when I will struggle hard with the cultural differences and yeah, the weather in november/december :) But I will also have so much fun!

TIME TO MAKE LIFE AWESOME AGAIN!

The More About Nothing Show

It's really really weird to watch myself on video. My first thought was "I look like dad! And like my brother!" Anyway, a nice relaxed interview basically about what I do here in Cape Town and some thoughts about kids here compared with kids back home in Sweden.

 

New year new life

It's been a while.
Didn't have much to say. Not things that I wanted to share with everyone else.

It's been tough, the last 6 months. Some of the hardest months in my life. To go through a heart break in another country, far away from my closest friends and family and "my" life, it has been really hard. Nothing to really lean back to. But I am also VERY thankful for those who has been with me, on my side and done anything they could to help me to feel better. Without them I would have been gone crazy and probably left home to Sweden. I am proud of myself to been through this and that I didn't give up and I have been dealing. With my feelings, with my issues, with my anger, with my sadness. This is why I feel ok now. I did deal with it all. I talked to people, I asked people for advice, I've got so many different sides of it and it helped. I don't believe anyone can deal with something like this alone, in their own head. You need to see it from outside, you need people to criticise, you need to wake up and stop seeing things only from your own side. Otherwise You will be stuck in your own head forever and probably also be alone forever. I normally would stay home, stay in, alone, being sad, think, cry, feel shit. And then think that I'm good. But actually I didn't do anything to see what actually happened, what went wrong, why it went wrong.

This time I did, and it's been hard. On me. And on Him. But it was needed. I need to know that I understand what went wrong, and it's also important that He knows what I think about this. If he cares or not, I am not sure, but I know that I at least tried to tell him, tried to talk to him.

And I am happy now. I am so ok. I feel alive again. I've found myself again. I am not judging anyone in this but the lifestyle I had for the last 2 years is not for me. WAY too much drinking, way too little activity and days outdoors. I mean, I am in one of the most beautiful cities in the world and I wasted so many days tired or hungover or just lazy in bed when there is so much to do in this city.

The last month I have enjoyed this city so much and next weekend I will go camping. Just tents, food, drinks and friends out of town. Simple but so nice. I also enjoy work so much more, mostly because I am not tired when I go there. And my job is not a job, it's my interest, my passion, a part of my life.. I sleep better, I eat better, I drink less, I smoke less.

I do not blame anyone else for not being "alive". I had a choice. But it's also hard to be me and do me when the other person has no interest in knowing or being with the real me while I really enjoyed his life, his friends a lot. His life was all that was interesting for him. I could have tried more, but should I have to TRY so hard? No I don't think so. No ones fault then mine. I could have stepped out way earlier but you all know, love makes you stupid ;) And oh, I did love him, more than anyone else before. I still miss him. But... I have moved on. There were things that was able to fix. It's not anymore. Not at all. It's gone and wont come back. And I am glad about that, finally.

I have learned a lot about myself the last 2,5 years and it's mostly positive. I will get out stronger, better and smarter from this whole mess.


I AM BACK and it feels great to be alive.


I just realise that TODAY it's exactly six months since the break up. Six months to feel alive again. It's not too bad if you see a whole life time. I knew I needed time. Actually more time than this. But, I've learned the biggest lesson; DEAL WITH YOUR SHIT, AND DON'T DO IT ALONE. That will help you a lot. 

What are you hiding from?

Last month had been weirder than any other month.

You confuse me so much.

Life confuses me so much.

I need to get my shit together and get motivated and happy again.

2015. Bring it on!

- I still love you more than anything

Five steps back

You know when you feel like you are progressing. You are moving forward. It all feels a little bit easier and better. The days are a bit lighter. Life feels a bit more happy again.

Then.... Then some shit happens and you are taking five steps back and it's all a fucking mess again. Your head can only think about one thing, your tears are coming way too easy again, the nights are full of shitty dreams and you lost your apetite and you don't feel like you can laugh.

I am very very TIRED of this.
I have never, ever, before experienced anything like this. I have been dealing with some shit before. But this is different. I am sad. Truly sad.

It's tiring. I am tired.

Every FUCKING morning.

Every morning I wake up with a terrible feeling inside. My brain goes nuts from dreams I have all night. I think of him EVERY morning, the first thing, when I wake up. It's fucked up. HOW can someone be so special to anyone else? How can I not be special to him anymore? HOW the hell do I get over this shit? I just wanna disappear. I'm too tired. Tired of this. And he wont understand. He never will. He is fucking ice cold and mad and angry and tired of me. It hurts. He wont give me time. He wont have time for me anymore. He doesnt care. He just lives on, moves on. I even guess he is with other girls already, having fun, while I cant even talk to another guy without being irritated if he even tries to flirt with me. I can not even think about being with someone else yet. It makes me feel sick. I do not want anyone else to touch me. Never.

I AM FUCKED UP.

OR.

I LOVE HIM.

And it sucks. He is not worth my energy. Really not. I know that deep inside. But I do feel what I do feel. And he just moves on, without me. I hate this.

Tired of crying. Tired of lost apetite. Tired of killing my brain with alcohol. TIRED.

Hittar inte orden längre

Jag måste skriva på svenska. Orden faller inte på plats på engelska. Inte när det handlar om det här. Jag letar efter ord, efter fraser, efter känslor. Jag hittar dom knappt på svenska, så på engelska är det i stort sett omöjligt.

Det har gått tre månader nu. Egentligen fyra sedan jag började förstå att något var fel på riktigt. Men tre månader sedan jag fick allt bekräftat.

Det gör fortfarande så sjukt jävla ont. Antagligen för att vi råkade umgås igen förra veckan. Sjukt dumt och väckte bara en massa känslor till liv igen. Känns som jag tagit 4 steg tillbaka i hela processen av att gå vidare.

Jag vet att jag måste gå vidare, släppa taget, bryta kontakten helt. Men jag är så orehört dålig på det. Seperationsångest.

Jag saknar honom varje dag. Varje morgon tänker jag på oss. Nästan varj kväll tänker jag på oss. Flera gången om dagen blir jag påmind om att han inte är en del av mitt liv längre. Det är så jävla jobbigt. Jag vet inte hur man kommer ifrån det. Ingen aning.

Jag är arg för att han inte vill. För att han gav upp. För att han inte ville se saker på ett annat vis. För jag vet att vi älskar varandra. Det finns fortfarande där. Han vet det. Jag vet det. Men det fungerade bara inte. Men... I mitt huvud så löser man saker, man reder upp, man försöker. Jag vet att det inte alltid fungerar så och möjligtvis så hade vi aldrig rett ut vissa av våra problem.

Kanske är det för att jag är van vid problem som har med svek att göra. Att bli sårad. Saker som man absolut inte kan lösa. Nu känns det som att vi gav upp kärlek som jag aldrig kännt förut. Respekt. Jag respekterade honom så mycket. Fortfarande när jag ser honom så blir jag varm och glad pga den personen han är. Han är så jävla konstig och märklig men på ett sätt som gör mig glad. Jag kunde vara mitt konstiga jag med honom, mitt riktiga jag.

Jag saknar det. Jag saknar honom. Varje dag.
Jag önskar att det bara kunde gå över. NU.

Dreams

For many years I have been struggling with dreams. I often dream "real" things. I woke up and don't know if it happened or not. And the feeling lasts for half the day, sometimes longer. It really affects my mood. Last night I slept like 4 hours because of a mosquito in my room. Then I dreamt a lot, because I didn't sleep that deep. So I remember the dreams better.
Can I just tell you that this is a shitty day?
Well it's friday. That's something.

Get one!

Love our clothing! Southern Ambition fucking rules. Get one! Now!

Work work work. But tonight drinks and talks. Still have a hard time being home alone. Too much time to think. I'm so glad for all the awesome friends I have in this town. It helps more than anything.

Also...

I wanna let you know I am ok. Life is fine. I do a lot of fun things and I enjoy friends and work. I feel more alive than I did in a long time. It's true, the relationship was not perfect. We had issues. Issues we should have been dealing with but not really did. Things that took up a lot of energy and made me forget a bit of MYSELF... So, I think I found new energy in all this mess and sadness, weirdly enough. I found myself again I'd say. So, I guess something good always comes out of bad things too. But, there IS a piece missing, it is. But it's not killing me. It doesn't change the fact that I am where I wanna be, I'm doing what I wanna do and I feel all ok with being 30 :)

Just wanted to say that.  

Bye

I had to say good bye to 2 people this weekend.
One because I love him too much to not have him as close as I want to.
The other one because I like him too much to not be close to him, but I am not ready for it.

I had too. It sucks but it's the only way.
I need to be strong, alone. That's it.

I will always miss him. he has no idea how much he meant to me and my life and what it is he is throwing away. No idea.