Open but closed

I know this is gonna kill me inside, slowly. I am gonna close up. No one will get close to me, in a LONG while. Maybe never. I'm not sure at all.

It took me about 3.5 year last time after I got heart broken and it was not like this. It was something I wanted, I needed to end it. It still hurt a lot. But I knew it was the only way. This time, I do NOT think it's the only way. I still think we could have fixed it, I really think we only needed more communication, more understanding and more willingness of letting the other person explain. That's why it sucks so much and I have no idea how to get over it, or how to ever wanna open up for anyone again. I refuse to think that he doesn't miss me anymore or that he NEVER think about it. I know he loves me somehow. He knows that I know. But he is better at pushing everything away and just pretend and move on. Good for him. For now.

I should also had known. I was his first serious relationship. Not in a while. FOREVER! I knew. But I didn't wanna think about it. I wanted to think that feelings and love and attraction and the way we had so much fun, was gonna fix it. I should have seen this coming.

2,5 year ago I ordered papers and information about how to adopt a child as a single woman. I was serious about it. I do not even feel like Im sure I want kids. If I get pregnant, that's what it is. I love children, over everything on this fucked up planet. But I do not need my own. I could easily run an orphanage and then I have all the children I need in my life. The thing about having "My own" children is only a selfish thing. Why would it matter if it's my blood or not? It's a child! And there are som many children that needs a grown up in their life. Why make new babies then?

I have no idea what I'm trying to say here and I'm seriously thinking of starting to write in swedish again so that I can really express what I'm actually trying to say here.

I do not blame myself for all of this. BUT I am struggling hard with some of my issues and I am actually scared that I will never get over these issues. It's freaking me out and closes me up even more.

Well. I am ok. I'm not dead. I am not alone. I am not bored. Life IS good otherwise.

BUT this sucks. Way too much for me to be able to smile and say "Im good" when someone's asking. My answer for the last 5 weeks has been "I'm ok...... "
That's how it is.

It's time I fix myself

It still sucks.

This is gonna be my song.

"Seems like I've left my heart outside your door"

That thing called love and my broken heart

I have been waiting to write about this here.
I still feel like I want to. I'm not the best to talk about things. Writing is much easier. And I have time to really get down what I really wanna say about things. But it has been too painful. I've started to write but just started to cry rivers and rivers...
I think I can do it now.

Things did not end up like I thought they would. Maybe I was naiv. I didn't wanna hear what he was trying to tell me. But I really didn't think it was that serious. I know the distance when I was in Sweden was bad for us. I screw things up. He did too. Bad communication and really bad listening. Two stubborn people that want things to be their way.

One big problem. My trust issues. Always had them, they have been worse than now, they have been better. We both did things to play with those trust issues. Again, stubborn and not really listening to the other person. We were in love. We just wanted the problem to go away. And they did, for a while, but then came back again. Just simply because we didn't REALLY talk about them. Not to the point where you really can understand each other and try move on and try to respect the other persons feeling. Most of the time it was all good, very good. I still think we can be good. But we lived on those moments and didn't handle what was not that good. We ran away from them.

The hardest part for me was that I really woke up in Sweden and could see my part in this much brighter. I knew I was gonna come back stronger and show that I knew now. I knew I could do it. I could start to trust and start to respect. But I never got the chance. He already gave up. He stopped trying. He started to move on, slowly. I really didn't realize that. I thought he just needed space and he got a lot of it. I mean, I was one other side of the planet.
But maybe was it just that? That I was away and he realized he was happier without me? I am not sure. While I felt I wanted him more than ever. Really felt ready to be the real me again. It truly sucks. And again that is a big communication problem.

I just know deep in my heart that I love him more than I ever felt for anyone. I never felt so relaxed and myself with anyone. I respect who he is and what he is coming from and his values about life so much. He is clever. He is funny. He is loving. He is caring. He never ever made me feel I couldn't be myself in any possible way. He is very very different from any guy I ever dated before. He is one of the few that really made me a better person, just by being there, next to me and listening to me and giving me advices. He is the rational one when I freak out. He used to get me down when I was way too "high" up..  And I know I made him open up a lot more than he ever did before. I know I showed him lots of things about things in life he never really even thought about before. I know he appreciate me a lot because of this.

I have a hard time to accept that this is what he really wants. I know he still loves me and that he still misses me. I know he knows we can be good together. But he has already moved on much more than me and he took the decision of letting me go. I know why, I do. But I just think it's wrong. The reasons are things that are far away from not fixable. It doesn't feel fare at all. I really feel like he just gave up. And that hurts.  I felt like he didn't even give me a chance to come back and take it slow and actually sit down and talk about it all. It went too fast. I didn't even try to think about a decision in Sweden. It's not possible when you are not seeing the person. NO ONE is good at long distance. I would never do it more than 2-3 months. Never. I do not think relationships are meant to be like that.
Yes I simply do think he gave up something that could be fixed. And trust me, I've tried to fix fucked up things, this is NOT the same. This is another story.

But. There is nothing I can do about it now.

And it hurts. Every day. Every morning. Every night. I can hardly eat. I am tired all the time because I cry too much or I try to hold my tears back for too long. As soon as anyone asks me about it, I cry. I can not think about it. It hurts in every part of my body.

And I am not scared of being alone. That's not the thing. I was totally fine with that before I met Peter and I know that feeling. I just simply love him and miss him in my life and I do not want this to end. But it has already. I'm just trying to really understand that.

This will take lots of time to get over.

And yes.. Im crying again.

That shit happened

One more drink and I'll go home, just one more drink and I'll go home
Cause you're not here and I've been trying this for weeks now
Just one more drink and I'll go home
One more bar on my way home, there's still one more bar on my way home.
I called some friends; they all had other things to do now,
There's still one more bar on my way home

No more thinking about you
There ain't gonna be more thinking about you
And I don't miss you, I can't even remember what you look like,
So no more thinking about you

Didn't I hear you say, you're gonna stay forever?
I think I heard you say, you're gonna stay forever?
No I'm not bitter; I just wonder how the hell you could leave me now
And I think I heard you say
You're gonna stay forever
So, one more drink and I'll go home, just one more drink and I'll go home

Cause you're not here and I've been trying this for weeks now
Just one more drink and I'll go home
Just one more drink and I'll go home

Leaving home to go home.

2 months has passed by very quick, but also very slow.

This summer has been a roller coaster. I have gone through a lot in my head. About family, about friends, about love. I realized a lot of things that is gonna change a lot for me.
All my life, or as long as I can remember, I have struggled with some kind of separation anxiety. When it comes to work, family, friends and boyfriends. This has made me very emotional but at the same time very very closed about myself and my feelings. I do not get too close to anyone. I do not open up to anyone. Not about some specific things. I get very emotional, make things bigger than they are and then it's kind of too late to take back my actions that comes out of these feelings. My closest friends knows. They know how scary it is to me to lose anyone. That I will fight in to the latest to fix any kind of relationship. But at the same time I keep them in a distance so that IF I lose them, it's not my fault.

I have to stop this. And I will stop this. I have really realized this now. I have to change. That's how it is. I will never change who I am, but I can change how I am. And I will.

At work. With friends. With family. With Peter. With my free time. I will change this, I am already in the progress. And I have to do this alone. No one can help me. This will be inside of me mostly. I will need to talk about it, but no one will or have to do anything for me to make it easier. It's all about me and what I do and do not do with myself. I won't ask anyone to change around me or even think about that I am going through something. Im in the next step. The real "doing". You won't probably even see it. Maybe just as something positive in me that is changing. You will see.

It's interesting when I think about who I decided to hang out with the most this summer in Sweden. It's simple though. It has been those who I feel I can be myself with. 100% myself. It has been one of the best summers in a long time and still I didn't "do" much. I have just been sucking in ( and trying to give back) as much positive energy as I could.

I will say thanks to some people a little bit more than other. But all of you that have been part of my summer; Thank you!

Thank you Madde, Matilda, Paulina & Johanna. Without you this summer would have been a real struggle. For many reasons. But thanks to you guys I did not have one single day that was not worth it.

I will go back to Cape Town on Sunday with a new and fresh feeling of feeling relieved, liberated. Liberated from all those thoughts that's been in my head for years. A feeling of never been enough. I know I am enough, I just have to see it and use it and act around it. 100% me. All the time. And TRUST that that is enough. And if it is not enough. Let it go.

All Capetonians; be ready to see the real, positive, open minded, spontaneous and also a little emotional Tania. I can't wait to catch up with all of you! 

Back on track

Needed a week to go low. I need that sometimes. I just need to totally break down and feel shit and think a lot to actually get back on track again. I have always worked like that. The difference now is that I know I have to get out of it. I can't stay there. I need to really go through it all in my head and make sure I know why I'm low at the moment. Before I could stay in that place for months. Depressions. I'm pretty sure I had depressions, especially in winter time in Sweden. I could not see it then. But I'm pretty sure now. My way of thinking was not healthy and I thought I was exactly how I was supposed to be, but I was way too low and sad and emotional unstable.

I also know I have to find a better way to handle stress. I'm working on it. I never had a job before that stressed me as much as my job i SA does. I love the job, I do. But it stresses the hell out of me sometimes. I'm not used to work in such an unorganised environment. I'm not used to NOT know what I am supposed to do, and to make up my own plan. I am not used to a 9-5 job! It actually stresses me out much more than to have unregular work hours. In Sweden I've always worked days/evening/nights/weekends in a mix. I'm used to have some days off in the middle of the week, or to work in the weekend or start late in the afternoon. I've worked like that since I was 19. So it's a big change for me to wake up every day at 8 and always "only" have Saturday and Sunday off.

I have a feeling that it's gonna be great from now. I can see it in front of me. I have new ideas, new thoughts and am feeling positive. I am the only onw that can really change my own life. That's how it is. Had a long skype talk with Peter last night and I got it all out. I must say, it's still very hard for me to express myself in english, when it comes to things like this. I have it all in my head in swedish and then I have to translate it in english and when I'm done I don't even remember half of what I wanted to say. Very frustrating!

The life I've chosen.

People in Sweden and South Africa often ask me "How do you do it? Don't you miss family and friends? How do you and Peter handle long distance? Are you staying in SA forever?"

For over 6 years I've known South Africa suits me. I have tried to find a way of living there. Since 2 years the dream really started to come through and this week I got my work permit. Finally. It's for real now.

I'm not good with winter. Coldness and darkness always made me depressed. I didn't see it when I was in it. But when I look back at it, it's so obvious.

But. Just because I chose this and just because it's a dream coming through it doesn't mean it's easy all the time. It's actually a every day struggle at the same time. All the questions I get make sense.

This summer I really feel it. I feel confused and lost. I feel stressed and scared. I felt for the first time "is this the right choice?" I got the work permit which means I'm "stuck" at that job. Can't change my mind. I also freak out a bit I guess because I realise how much Peter means to me. I do never wanna lose him. That is scary shit.

I do not feel "home" in Sweden as I do in Cape Town. But I do miss having family and close friends around. And work wise ... I need to make sure that my job in SA is becoming more developing for me, personally. I miss to work closer to children and to change people's life. I had way too much office hours in 2013/2014.

I guess it's impossible for anyone to understand that never tried this life, how it feels like. And I don't expect you to understand. But I do expect my friends to understand that I'm human and I do have bad days even if I'm very very happy about the life I've got. It does not help with "come on. Stop complaining. You got what you want. Chill. Be happy". That is very disrespectful. Right now I have lots on my head and it's stressing me out. But I will be fine!

Croatia

I've been VERY bad at updating.
I know. I'm in Croatia at the moment.
Back in Sweden on friday. I will try to write some more soon!

SOOoooooooooN!

Im leaving next week thursday. I have to say I am not too sad to leave this weather. Yesterday it was about 8 degrees, rain, hail, stormy weather. The worst part is that it's so fu**ing cold inside too. I am used to cold. I am from Sweden. Facts. It is cold in Sweden most of the year. But it's always warm inside. I never have to be cold inside. Here, in winter, it's cold both outside and indoor. No central heating. Cold floors. Doors and windows that are not sealed. I can sometimes feel a breeze in my room.. Brrrrrrr.

Last year I was really nervous about leaving 3 months. It felt so long. And I was scared that it would be weird for me and Peter also. We had just been dating for 6 months. This time it all feels much better. First of all, it's only 2 months. And I feel more comfortable with everything. Me, Peter, work. And I'm also REALLY looking forward to meet all the people in Sweden. Friends, family, people at work etc. And Croatia... oh... Croatia. I think that is my favourite place in the world. Not to LIVE in, but really my favourite place to visit. More relaxing place is hard to find.

So. Last days here.. I'm expecting a lot of friends, party and happiness.

Why I think we need the word feminism

A lot of men (and some women) are saying "why can't we just use the word equality or humanism? Feminism has become such a negative word since a lot of women use it as a ALL men are bad. ALL women are victims?"

This is an example why I don't think equality or humanism is enough:

Earlier this year a woman got sentenced for slapping a man in his face. Nothing wrong with that, you think. The things is, before she turned around and slapped him, he pinched her butt. This man was a stranger, he saw the woman in the bar and thought it would be a "fun" way of flirting with her. The woman got chocked and angry, turned around and slapped the man in his face.

The man went to the police and reported her for assault. There was a trial. The woman told her story. Why he slapped him. Self defence, you could call it, right?

The judge thought that a pinch isn't that bad as a slap. The woman got sentenced for this. The man? Nothing!

So. Let's use the words humanism and feminism here. And let me explain why I think humanism is not enough.

Humanism and equality would only see that both of them did wrong. And that is the case, I say too. Both of them were wrong. Even if you got pinched, you should not slap. You should go to the police and report the man for sexual harassment. Now, since she slap him, both of them should be sentenced maybe?

Since the man got NOTHING on this I wanna use feminism here. Because... It's ok in this world to pinch someones but. It's ok to take advantaged of the woman's body. This is what's wrong. The law is not enough, because the judge did not think a pinch was "that bad, he just wanted to flirt with you". We need the word feminism to see the deeper problem in this case. Humanism would not do that. It would only follow the law, that both of them did something against the law.

Sexism is not clear enough in the law system.

And no. I do not think women in general would do the same to a stranger in the bar. hardly no woman. I am pretty sure much more men would just laugh about it and think it's "not that bad, it's just for fun". Because objectifying women's bodies is and has always been ok. Not for everyone. but for too many people. The same with strip clubs and porn. Same thought. "It's not that bad, some of them even like it"

Another example:

In the 60s/70s people in USA were fighting for equal right for black people. It was ok to say it was for black people. No one talked about "people" or "humanism".. At least they talked about it all as one case. It was ok to say there was a group of people that had less rights then others. Blacks had less rights than white.

During apartheid people did not JUST talk about humanism and equality. They actually talked about black and coloured people and their rights in a country ruled by whites.

Why can not 50% of the world be a group seen as a group that actually has less rights than the other 50% That is the truth. And MAYBE not in your country or around your friends or in your village. BUT we need to see the bigger picture. We need to see it as a world wide problem and stand together in the fight for women's rights.

Sexism IS big, and it IS bigger against women then men. And no, we wont stop to fight for men's rights just because we talk about women a lot. BUT, can't we women just be allowed to get a little extra attention since the problems are much bigger around us? In some countries some women get stoned to death because they did something a woman should not do. And yes, it has a little to do with religion, but mostly it's culture and the bad way of seeing women. Not ALL muslims would stone a woman to death, right? One thing is for sure. NO man at all would be stoned to death for the same crime as the women..

This is why we need feminism. We need to see the problem as a problem against women. Because it does exist! And we will continue work for men's problem ALSO. One thing does not exclude the other! During apartheid, did they just STOP talking about all other problems? Would they not call the police if a white man was shot? Yes they would. They would work on both sides. BUT the problem against black and coloured was a LITTLE bit bigger at the moment..

No real feminist thinks ALL men are rapists. Thats bullshit. If anyone says that, just do not listen! Do not let the crazy people take over the word that we need. That's the same thought as some people has in Sweden. Just let the racist go on, ignore them, they talk bullshit. Let them think that we can not take more immigrants, let them say we can not allow mosques in our country, because all muslims are bad people. NO, we have to stand up against it and keep on fighting. Not give up and let them be right.

But we need you men on our side in this, to make more people see what feminism is about. (sadly we need that help, yes, to open up some peoples eyes). What we do not need is men, that are actually great people, to turn the back and say "feminists are crazy, they have been taking it too far". That will never help. At all.

So. There you go. If you do not agree, please tell me why, I am always open for a discussion.

I have no words for how people voted in the EU election. I'm just sad. And ashamed.

Respect

I had so much in my head last night that I wanted to write about. But I was too tired. Now most of it is gone. This is my problem, this is why I sometimes bomb people with text messages when I feel something, when I wanna say something, because I forget. I want it to be told so I just HAVE to do it at the moment it comes to my mind.

The basic is. I have so much respect for a lot of my closest friends here. And Peter is one of them. I respect his thoughts, his view of life, his way of respecting himself and his principles. He is probably the most open minded guy I have ever met. And with me, I think I'm also very open minded and have a big passion for politics, feminism, refugee rights, being against child abuse etc, you kind of have to be that person to handle to have me around. Haha, I don't know how many times I been on "fire" because of talking about feminism, hitting children, refugees rights and much other things. To able to actually talk about these things and be respected for it... It means a lot. I respect people that respect me. Might sound easy but seriously, I met a lot of people that couldn't handle me being like this. You know, a girlfriend "should" be nice, quiet, sweet, understanding, caring and loving. Not questioning, annoying, loud etc... :)

I also respect him for wanting to learn new things. To change without changing who you are is a very important thing if you wanna be in a relationship at all. I learned a lot the last 10 years. About me and my behaviours. I learned to respect myself but also to respect that everyone is not like me. To compromise is very important to keep people in your life, I learned. I am still learning though, and Peter has changed me a lot. I learned to trust so much more. I learned to breathe, to not freak out about everything and to TALK about things. Talk talk talk talk. It sounds so simple, but it isn't always that easy. Especially when I have to do it in another language than my own language. Thanks to text messages I say, it works out better. I can write it down, slow and think about it, instead of trying to find words and phrases in the moment I am upset. Peter also learned me to be patience. To give it time to think about it and let things sink in first, before I react too much. Rationality is a bigger part of my emotional life now than ever before.

I blame the south european temper I have in my blood for my irrationality, haha!

I also know I taught Peter a lot when it comes to a lot of things. But that's not my thing to tell you about.

OK, I'm not sure what I wanted with this blog post. But there you go.

We will see..

I have an idea in my head. Something I wanna write about. I wanna write about how my love for P is based on so much respect and it has been from the beginning. I have the words in my head, in swedish. I just have to try to write it down in english. We will see..

If not. You can always ask me when you see me next time and I will try to explain.

I simply just respect so much about him.

And I know you know that I have been a little sad because of me and P the last weeks. BUT every relationship has its ups and downs. I just chose to write about it in public sometimes, when most people would not. I never been scared about letting other people know I'm sad. I just always been bad at telling. So writing it down here or on facebook or wherever does actually help me in the progress of trying to sort things out. And it may sound more dramatic than it is. It's up to you to read it however you want to, but if you actually did care, you would have asked me how I am a long time ago anyway...


Yeah, I will definitely write something tomorrow again. About a lot of things. Got many ideas now..

Good night.

The feminist is awake

I get so tired of the discussion about strip clubs. "Some girls actually WANT to strip, they think it's fun. Everyone is not a drug addict or poor and MUST strip. For some it's a choice "

It is NOT the problem dear little manly man. The problem is that we live in a world where women are supposed to entertain men, preferably as undressed as possible. The problem is that there even ARE strip clubs. If someone likes to undress in front of strangers, that person may do so at their free time. It should NOT be a profession. The majority of those who work at a strip club doing it because they have no other choice at the moment. Because it gives money. How many men would do the same to put food on the table? Probably not many. There you have the problem. Society has decided that it's a little more ok to do some uncomfortable things for money, if you are a woman. I wanna vomit on so many men around me that still, 2014, can not see that this is wrong.

Do not go to strip clubs. Do not support anything like that. You might as well buy sex from a prostitute in this case, with the "I just want to be nice so she can earn money and eat food for the day". You know what? If that's WHY you go to a strip club you may as well just wait until they finished their shift and then just give the girl some money?

And no. It's not a big difference between prostitution and strip clubs.

Why is it so hard to understand this?

It's not fucking fare

I'm tired of it actually, and that's not a good thing.

I start to think. REALLY!?

Ok, the thing is, life is good, I'm happy in a lot of ways, and a part of this is good for me. I start to realise what I've been missing out on. And THAT I'm gonna change now. Bring back old friends in my life, and not gonna take people for granted.

But. The BUT is; I can do both parts. And that's what I wanna scream out.. PEOPLE can change. In a good way. Start to fucking believe in people, and maybe in yourself too!?

BAH!

Tomorrow is gonna be a better day!

Needed

I have not used my blog for writing about me and my feelings in a long time. It has not been needed. Because, I only need to write when something is wrong. And my life has been good, happy and giving for a long time. But, there will always come hard times, every now and then. Now is one of them. Hard times. Complicated times. Worried times.

I still don't wanna write too much. My integrity has grown more important to me. And the integrity of my closest too.

This thing called relationship. It's not easy. Everyone knows that. It isn't. There isn't a thing called "if you are right for each other then there should not be any problems"
How come, that if you have a friend it's ok to be angry, irritated and annoyed with her/him. But if it's your boyfriend you freak out as soon as that happens. Then you have to step out, push away and break up. Why is that not fixable as easy as a friendship?

I believe in progress. Small steps. Learning from each other. Get to know weaknesses and strong sides of each other. And, sometimes you take steps back again, but you will fall and stand up again and try fix things. Together. If you love someone, you do not give up. Maybe, if you wanna give up, you don't love him/her anymore? If it's not worth some sacrifices, yeah, well, then I do not believe it's love.

Or, maybe people are scared, just scared as hell to take that next step, and they get blind, and leave people behind that they should not. That they will regret leaving behind? Just because they were scared.

I say; Scary shit!

To figure this out, TALK. Always talk to each other. Do not close the other person out. Anything you need to say, say it. Then discuss. Listen. Talk again. Things are very rarely solved after ONE of these talks. It takes time, progress, small steps. Learning from each other.

1,5 year.

Time flies! It's been 1,5 year now since I met Peter the first time. When I think about it, when I think about the relationships I had before him, I get amazed about how we made this. How me went through stuff without too much drama. My whole life been too much drama. And yes, most of the time I started drama, because of my lack of trust and my insecurity. Also, I dated a lot of assholes, or people that were not ready to commit at all. A lot of feelings has been hurt on the way. But I am stronger now. I am more calm. I really love my life and I think that is the answer. I feel like I am where I should be. I love myself much more now. That is the key to a lot of things.

Anyway. 2 more months in Cape Town, then off to Sweden for 2 months. I am really looking forward to it. I'm gonna take walks in the middle of the night, eat home made swedish food, drink NICE milk, see all the amazing people, have a beer in the park, swim in the lakes, drive on the right side, longboard, drink good coffee, swim in my sisters pool, play with my niece and lots of other great things. In august we will have some amazing reunion days in Stockholm. Me, Peter, Mumz, Malin, Elin, Anna, Felicia, Karina, Rebecca, Berber. Hopefully everyone can come!

 For now it's a lot of work. Mostly preparations for next semester. I have a LOT of students coming for Internships. It's really cool how the word of mouth works. We don't spend a lot of money for advertising at all. It's all facebook or word of mouth. Amazing. We starting to get a really good rumour in Sweden. We are growing!

 Some pics from Sweden last year.

My Longboard Homie Diana

My brother Peter and my uncle Magnus

At my sisters house with my sisters and husband, my mother and my nieces

My Niece Othilia

Swedish kebab Pizza

six years later and still alive

This weekend it's eastern weekend.
This weekend six years ago I got robbed in Athlone, with a gun. You might think that is the scariest thing that happened to me in this country. But no.
Let me tell you about the craziest thing that ever happened to me here:

It was a saturday in february 2008. I was with Irina, another Swedish girl. We were both volunteering at a home of safety for boys between 8-18 years old. This saturday we were gonna take some of the boys to a football game at Athlone Stadium. Ajax Cape Town was playing Kaizer Chiefs. Top game of the year! It was sold out. We had our tickets though. We were standing outside the stadium and I started to hand out the tickets to the boys. One man cam up to me and asked if we had extra tickets. We had, because some of the boys couldn't come, so I said "Yes we have 2 extra tickets". I shouldn't have said those words.
Suddenly there was about 5 men asking me, insisting on getting those tickets. Just seconds later there was at least 50 people around me, shouting at me, asking me for the tickets. I started to feel threatened. Irina took the boys and stepped back a bit. I started to walk away slowly. Everyone followed me, still shouting "give us the tickets, we want tickets, we know you have tickets".
I started to walk faster. I was almost running. So, I ended up at a fence. Trapped. I sat down. All the men (at least 50-70 according do Irina that saw everything) was in my face, shouting. They were actually not touching me, just shouting. I just remember I was thinking "NO, these kids have never ever been to a football game in their lives, I am not gonna give the tickets away to these stupid men". I remember myself starting crawling out of the group of people, between their legs, I got out and ran over the street, scared as hell, didn't even look for cars, I just ran.
I ran into a restaurant, I think it was a Nandos or something. I threw the tickets to the staff and just said "hide these for me please". The second after all the men were in the restaurant, in my face again. Shouting. Going f*cking crazy! At this moment I was so angry, upset, scared and frustrated. I took my bag, took out my camera, phone, wallet and told people "here, take whatever you feel like taking, but I do NOT have tickets anymore, they are gone and the children wont see their first football game, thanks to you idiots". Eben, one of the smallest guys (about 8 years old) came to me, between all these angry men, hugged me and asked if I was ok.
NOW, finally, the police came. The crazy men left and it was all ok. Kind of. We went outside, I explained to the police what happened and the police man asked me "so where are the tickets?" ... They were still in the restaurant. The police man went to get them. Of course there were like 5 missing. The staff in the restaurant probably thought they should have something for helping me out... Who knows. Anyway. The whole thing ended with the police driving us inside the stadium in his police car. The kids loved it. The women working at the boys home, not so impressed by the swedish volunteers....

WHAT A CULTURE CHOCK, haha!

The story about me getting robbed with a gun, the guys taking my phone, manage to film themselves with the phone and send the video to my friend and then I had to go with the Police to Cape Flats late at night to his sister because she was the only one with internet, to see the video my friend send me of the robbers..  that's another story. Maybe for another time.

Life is damn great!

So. I just found out my first day in Sweden will start with an Arcade Fire concert. And 2 days later I will go to a concert with my Swedish favourite band Kent.

In may I will probably go to Zambia for work. Finally I will see other parts of Africa.

In july I go to Croatia. In august Peter will come and visit me in Sweden and we fly back here together!

Pure happiness.

Some pics from the last 2 weeks

Håkan, Malin and Petra. Håkan is from Stockholm, we ran into him at Neighbourhood,
now he's a part of "us" and have begun to volunteer at the shelter in Salt River with Malin.

Wine time way too early on a saturday.  

Malin and I went to Kaospiloternas presentation. 

Matilda is back in town!!!! 

Guys don't dance? Well, in South Africa they do! 

I wanna live in this area... (tamboerskloof)